Final Entry, Final Thoughts
Trip Start
Aug 08, 2007
1
45
Trip End
May 19, 2008
Beijing,
China
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
First, I thought I'd describe my final experience in China.
On Monday at 2:30, the week anniversary of the earthquake that hit Sichuan, China began a three day period of mourning. I was in the airport when the loadspeaker came on announcing that China was entering a mourning period, flags would be at half mast, and all ships, trucks, ect would sound their horns before entering a moment of silence. Then music, a classical peice, comes on playing throughout the airport. Imagine a giant international airport, full of people, coming to an absolute standstill, complete silence, everyone is standing in place, some people are crying, I almost was it was so overwhelming. In some ways I felt I shouldn't be leaving, it felt like I was abandoning China at her time in need. At the same time, though sorrowful, I was grateful to have such a moving final image of China. I've had many rough times with China, but seeing that unity right before leaving left me with an amazing sense of compassion for China.
Coming back has been interesting for sure. Cultural adjustment hasn't been what I thought, but then again, how can you predict these things. There are little things, like hitting the lightswitch the wrong way because they're opposite in China, or forgetting that I can actually flush toilet paper and don't need to throw it in the trash. I drank from a water fountain in the airport in Chicago. There are larger things too. I find myself staring at black people, as black culture pretty much is nonexistent in China. What I didn't expect at all is how I stare at white people, and keep thinking I recognize them. I don't know what it is. Maybe I've become so Asian that I think all white people look alike, or maybe it's because I did know most white people I ran into in China, but I keep thinking I recognize people I clearly don't know. It's getting better, but it sure was strange for the first few days. I also feel more scared in the city than I used to be, as I'm remembering that I'm not longer in Asia, where crime, especially against white people, is rare, and that I'm back in St. Louis, where I need to be on my guard. Again, I'm getting better at that too, but I was a lot more edgy than I've ever been.
I went to the Rib America festival the other day, listening to a rock country band, seeing a whole other type culture I had almost forgotten about. For now it's kind of charming or endearing, whereas usually older drunken men with American eagle tattoos, old band T-shirts, and baseball caps hitting on my usually gets me pretty disgusted and annoyed. This charm I imagine will also fade fast though.
It's been nice eating Western food, I had Imo's when I first got back. I was so happy just listening to KDHX and having good music everywhere. And honestly, I don't feel all that behind with pop culture and stuff. I turned on one radio station the other day and they were playing all old songs from the 90's, so I guess I'll be ok.
I've been happy seeing all my friends, though I really miss my friends from China. They all but one live on the East coast, so we've been using texting, facebook, ect to keep in touch. I got really close to my friends in China and made bonds with people unlike any I've really had before, so it's been rough being away from them, especially since we saw each other so often. We're already looking into trips to visit each other. I'm sure we'll stay friends for quite some time, but you know, it'll never be quite the same.
I think what's been really rough is the feeling that I'm not quite sure where my home is anymore. St. Louis has been more home for my entire life really, but at this point I feel a bit more like a nomad. I've been in China for the past year, this summer I'll be in Chicago for an internship, and after my final year at SLU all be hopefully back in China for awhile, and then off to grad school somwhere likely in New York or DC. I realize that my time in St. Louis is really coming to an end, and while I'm excited for moving on to newer bigger things, having a final year to finish off at SLU now feels a bit like a burden, which I don't want it to seem like for sure. I'm sure I'll enjoy my final year, and I'll be really busy, I just don't want to take it for granted. I know I'll just have to work on taking in everything day by day, get caught up in the moment, and not focus so much on my future that I loose sight of all the good amazing things and people around me.
So China...by far the mose amazing experience I've gone through. I can't even really tell yet how it's changed me. I think it's definitely made me more relaxed, as I've realized you just have to go with the flow with some things and that it'll all eventually work out. There are some things in life just not wroth worrying or getting stressed about. Again, take it day by day. I also thing I'm much more confident in myself, and more independent. While I had a lot of help in China, no one was there the whole time holding my hand, and as you probably know from my entries, I had to go through some difficult challenging situations on my own. I just have a lot more confidence that I can handle any situation. I also feel more confident just in my relationships with other and much more open towards others. I met a lot of amazing people who I know in a normal environment at SLU or someplace I probably never would have met or spoken too. It's taught me to be a lot more open to others and perked my interest to hear everyone's story. Finally, I guess, China has given me a sense of direction for what I want to do with my life. Part of going to China was to figure out if I liked it and if this was a place I truly wanted to work with in the future. So while if was difficult and often frustrating, I've fallen in love with China, and I know it will be a major part of the rest of my life. Just talking ot ther friends and such, who feel so perplexed trying to find a purpose, I feel very grateful at least having a sense of what I want to do with my life and some sense of direction.
And so one chapter of my life has come to a close but at the same time it has opened many doors for me and I am by no means done with China. She's sucked me in and I don't see myself getting away any time soon. I'm looking forward to my internship this summer and to the senior year at SLU, and even more so to the future that China holds for me. Thanks for reading and following my excursions, I hope they've kept you entertained, and perhaps in the near future I'll be having some more for you.
Zaijian
Jonas
