The Highland Humor Newspaper
Trip Start Jun 01, 2002
74Trip End Sep 11, 2007
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(This will probably only make sense to the guys on the trip. Enjoy! )
- A UK tourist "Ian I Will Get it" has been discovered unhurt in the
Scottish Highlands after falling off a cliff. In discussions with Ian he
said the following "Well, you see the ball was rolling towards the cliff and
I started to chase it. All my friends were yelling for me to stop (well
that is what they tell me now) but I thought they were saying "Keep running,
slip on some sheep shit and slide on your arse down the cliff so we can all
have a laugh". "But you will be happy to know that I did not hurt malaig
(myleg)." Ian has secured a contract with Movie giant MGM for the sequel of
- All parents have been advised by doctors and police around the world to
bulk up their kids. This bizarre request comes out after reports of a new
pedophile on the loose. We cannot name this person as of yet but for the
purpose of the report we will call him Adam. Adam's friends raised their
concerns with the police after 'Adam' finished a game of Football with a
group of friends and two boys and commented "It is great to see those kids
young and healthy. You know they just look good and fit". HH has taken
this information and passed it onto the KGB in Russia as Adam is believed to
be heading there next.
- The Lafian Becks and Posh couple; Ramunas and Ramute have denied
allegations that they were sponsored by beer and whisky companies in their
last promotional tour. "We just like to have a drink at every opportunity -
it is normal for us" said the couple. Boddingtons Beer and Scottish Whisky
distillers have supported the allegations, it is great for drinkers all over
the world, just not Scotland. Further investigation will follow.
Food and Science Technology
- A New Zealander woman "Gwen" has been given a scientific grant by the NZ
government to help support her belief that there may not be Pork found in
Pork Rolls. The 11 million NZ dollars (£124 pounds) will be spent over the
- Tim "the card shark" Scott has been banned from 212 casinos around the
world. This banning has come from Tim's ability to predict the card being
drawn from the pack. Instead of using this skill to his advantage Tim yells
at the top of his voice, the colour of the card, the suit and the number and
when the dealer confirms he is correct, he takes a big swig of beer and high
fives the other gamblers around the table. Irish officials have taken Tim's
skills and now are using it to predict the time that Rosin and Cormac will
be returning from their walks...
- Scientists and Historians are in awe after discovering that Charlie Prince
Boning has been found as a goat hanging from the review mirror of a MACPAC
BACKPACKERS truck in Scotland. This amazing discovery was found after the
driver reported hearing the sheep tell him "I have sailed and come far and
now Scotland is my home, not this stupid f***kn truck - get me off this
mirror you Scottish Git and my name is not Margery"
- "No more vampires" is the cry from the people from the Isle of Skye. In a
weird turnaround, the little island has been plagued by vampires for the
past 2000 years, but after a tour group came in a cooked some meals in house
the vampires have not been seen since. FBI agents have discovered a recipe
for "Normal Garlic Bread", where the ingredients contained "4.5 Million
cloves of Garlic". Mulder and Scully are being flown in to investigate
- Three football players have been signed up by Doris Beach Football club
this week. The unheard Scottish club has secured a great team this year and
will be playing the Champions league before they know it!
- Colin "Chelsea Missed Out" showed pure skill in the last game at Doris
Beach. His skill and control of the ball was unquestionable. The only
problem the team may come across is Colin's lack of attention to the game
when a pint of lager is in a 60 metre radius!
- "Drew the Defender" has secured a 3 year contract playing for the unheard
of club. Drew commented "I am very happy with the deal and as long as the
tide stays out I believe that Manchester will want me and will move the home
games to Doris Beach by 2006!". In addition, Kieren "the Kid Striker" has
secured a 1 game deal for the Doris Beach Club for a cool 45 million pounds.
Kerien was not available for comment as his mum had told him to do his
- Scotland has a new player... "Timmy McSkills" has come from no where to
take the Scottish Football league by storm. But with the recent training
accident he will be sidelined for the first 3 games. A witness told HH "It
was a standard training session at the Port of Skye, where McSkills had pure
control of the ball (as normal) until he attempted to kick over his head....
that is when he smashed and broke his nose". His kilt was unaffected by the
- Three international spies from Korea, Australia and Canada "Mad
Myang","Saussy Sabine" and "Cool as a cucumber Claudine" who were sent to
Scotland last week to watch the workings of the Scottish and determine if a
takeover bid (known as operation Edward the 2nd) was worthwhile has returned
home in a trance. Officials from the agency have commented "Our agents are
very shaken up at the moment and keep mumbling "sooooorrow, soooorrow, my
heart is broken, sorrow sorrow - we believe this to be work of the terriost
group 'The PRO CLAIMERS" placing our agents in a trance! Officials said
that they would walk 500 miles to find a cure...
- Columbian Drug Queen "Camilla" has been jailed in Scotland for the
importing of vast amounts of cocaine into the Highlands. A Scottish MI5
agent commented to HH "The queen was importing cocaine in a very cunning
disguise of Milky Way Bars..... You know what I mean.. yeah! We were tipped
off when a Scotland Tour Group starting playing Rolling Stones at an
incredible level of volume through the Highlands.... you know what I mean
alright". London MI5 has sent a translator up to determine what the
scottish are saying... The Drug Queen told the court that "the Milky Bars
are on Me"
- In an absurd trend in Ireland, new leader in fashion design "Cormac and
Cormac" have released their new winter styling.... Plastic bags. The
plastic bag on the head is really taking off reported our Ireland reporter.
Cormac and Cormac even commented on the new trend "We knew it was going to
take off, it is stylish yet casual. You could wear this to a wedding perhaps
or even if you popped down to the "River of Youth" and it was raining! Don't
you agree..... Top of the morning to you!"
- Celebrity chefs Vanessa "so you want a stew huh" and Catherine "Bog Sauce
Princess" have both been jailed for 25 years each for the murder of their
apprentice chefs (Paul and Ian). Catherine told the court "I told him to
slice the onions in rings, but he diced them in cubes - what is a chef to
do"! Vanessa also told the court "Ian always did what he was told, but then
he questioned my work style... I cannot work like that". Parole will be
available in 10 years.
Music and Entertainment News
- Ossais frontline Brothers; have confirmed that they have two other illicit
brothers "Paul and Tim Gallagher" have been heard singing at the Black
Friars Entertainment Centre in Inverness. Paul has thanked everyone
involved with the release of their new single titled "I Wonder wall my heart
is Broken". As an exclusive, the Illicit Brothers have told HH the title of
their new single to be released for the Xmas Number 1 will be titled....
"Our success was all to the Psycho Pink T-Shirt Wearing Fan".
- Up and coming new comer who was also been discovered at the Black friars
entertainment centre "Jack" has been in court this week to secure a
restraining order against "Jay" who keeps wanting him to play "that cool
guitar tune".... we will keep you informed of the result.
- More music news, Irish superstar "Roisin" has released her new Single "The
colour is not black, but more mildly grey, like the Irish Weather". The
sexy singer believes that the truth should be told and that black in not
really a colour at all. Her next gig will be played at the "Black friars
Entertainment Centre". Tickets are selling quick!
Business / Finance
- Sotheby's are investigating the auction of a Tony Hawk book that was sold
in an unauthorized auction in the Scottish Highlands last week! A spokesman
from Sotheby's commented that "We believe this book to be worth more that
the £4.14 it was sold for. We understand that it has been signed by a Paul
Gallagher, the illicit Gallagher brother which has increased the value to at
least £250,000. We are trying to source the buyer to make an offer...."
- Honeymakers are outraged in the drop of sales on honey throughout the
world. People around the world have stopped purchasing honey to avoid being
"stung". One purchaser from Scotland told HH that he was stung by a bee just
yesterday, "20 quid for a jar of honey......"!!.
- Finally in gossip news, Scottish and Turkey officials have denied that
there was an affair going on with the country representatives from both
countries. Country representatives "Tim 'nothing under my skirt" and the two
stunning Turkish Ladies "Sirin and Didem" who have been tagged as the next
"Cheeky Girls" have all declined to comment saying something about "What
happens on the country trip, stays on the country trip". The pink panter
will be brought in to investigate Di dum, di dum de dum ....