Police - High Security Not!!
Trip Start Jun 01, 2002
74Trip End Sep 11, 2007
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Firstly, upon arriving back to London from Amsterdam and working myself to my bed to rest ones weary head I figured I would take the opportunity to sort through the postal mail that had been collected for me whilst my absence.
Hmmm, bank statement, old payslip, advertising, hmmm what is this Sussex Police?? I cautiously relooked at the name on the envelope - yep Mr. Justin Cormack, correct address. So I opened it not expecting to see what I saw. I read the first paragraph:-
Dear Mr. Cormack;
"You are alleged to have been the owner of a Jaguar X-Type V6 SE AUTO vehicle registration number BD52LKO on 11/4/2003. On that date the aforementioned vehicle was seen parking illegally." Blah blah blah - if you do not pay you will receive a court summons - blah blah you get the picture".
What else to do in this situation, so I picked up the phone and contacted Constable S Ward, from the Sussex police:-
"Hi it is Justin Cormack here, the owner of Jag! Right, that is the one, Just thought I would let you know a few things about me, because being the police and all you guys are always right!. Hmmm I have £200 in my bank account with approx. £22 in my wallet, I am currently unemployed and my prized assets include a small TV and a walkman. I have been living out of backpack for the past 2 months and I would like to thank you personally for telling me that I am now the proud owner of a Jaguar X-Type V6" - I will pay the fine no problems, but would like to report it STOLEN because it is not in my driveway anymore. Actually it never was in my driveway!"
But of course I did not do that, that would be suicide. So I ticked the box that says "You have the wrong guy buster" and put it in the mail! So that was a bit of a laugh and a nice welcome back to London I thought...
Then only last night I decided to head across and catch a couple hours Wimbledon with my housemate and co. Being the unemployed person I am I thought I would get there early and sus out "the situation". Noticing that the line for tickets stretch for approx 1.5km, I worked my way to the exit gate to see if I could "pick up a free ticket" that was being used by someone leaving. I monitored the situation with a keen eye and after about 15 mins watching,I actually noticed that the passes were being stamped on the way out - hmmm guess I will have to just join the queue like the rest of the plebs. This time last year I would have had a mate doing security work and sneak me in - where were you Coxy???
Now walking the length of the line back to the end would take a long time. Being the creative/lazy person I am, I decided to walk across the golf course/come car park and proceeded towards the direction of the end of the line. Walking walking, I notice that what I thought was just a boundary of trees, is actually a boundary of trees in front of a 7ft "will rip you apart" spiked fence. Hmmm line for tennis on that side, me on this side.
I follow the tree line down until I get to somewhere where there are no people and no normal way of entry. I peer through the trees and notice an Athletic track behind it - ahh surely that will have an exit gate and I can join the line and all will be solved. So I climb the fence with great agility and ability and ensure that the "you know what's" do not visit Mr. Spikes and before you know it I am over!
Ahh there is the gate, I mumble to my self as I approach the exit. Ahh there is a police van, oh and another police van, oh there is 2 no 4 police people! Hmmm. So I immediately put myself into James Bond come Lara Croft and immerse myself in the tree lines once again - camouflaged....not!. After initial thoughts of ordering my helicopter or my trustee horse I decide - "fuck it" - will just climb over the fence and see what happens.
Get this - not only do I jump over the barbed wire fence and land square bang in the middle of the Wimbledon Tennis Police Compound (ie 30 Police Vehicles, 2 dogs (tied up thank god) and 50 odd police people sitting around chatting), I actually get to walk about 200 metres towards the gate before someone questions my existence.
"Excuse me, what are you doing" Him, "Going to line up!" Me, "How did you get in here?" Him, "Over the fence over there" - pointing a spot between 4 other police officers. Then the guy questioning me gets a bit nervous.
Him - "Take your hands out of your pockets and put your bag on the ground, please sir"
Me: "Just trying to get a ticket" (placing bag on the ground).
Him - "Bag down and step away from it"
At this stage one of the other sleepy policeman decide to go through my bags and the main man wants to know my details etc. Now at this stage in my life and only at this stage I wish I studied some sort of Law Course because I would have loved to rattle off something about "Under section 2 paragraph 4 - blah blah blah. But I didn't so I stood there nodding at the right times.
Eventually after determining that I have no weapons of mass destruction in my day pack, and my last name is not Hussien/Bin Laden,they escort me to exit gate which is actually right near the end of the line (knew I was on the right course).
"You know that this is a secure area don't you" Sergeant someone says on the way over. "Of course it is, but so was Prince Williams birthday last week" - I say with Australian humor oozing with a smile - luckily for me he saw the funny side of this also and closed the gate behind me. And off I went!
So there you have the security of London in the safest hands around! At this exact moment, my flat is probably being searched and they are going to get a surprise when they open my dirty laundry drawer!!
Oh the tennis was pretty good after meeting up with everyone and getting the tickets! But with Lleyton Hewitt out - there is really nothing to say about it.
Hope is well and sure I will talk to you all sooner than later.