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  Shanghai, China
Thursday, October 19, 2006

OK, so it is pointless to say that my life is pretty unconventional at this point in time. For some odd reason the world has brought me here today to Shanghai, China. Most people in this world would probably say that I am kind of strange? The only thing I do know for sure is that my mind is always a thousand different places at once. My head often gets muddy at times from all the nonsense passing through it. My thoughts can usually range anywhere from "life purpose" to "really how many licks would it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Tootsie Pop?" to "I wonder if I went over to that old sleeping Chinese guy and gave him a "Wet Willy" would he think it was funny?" Oh the madness that a mind can create when you spend countless hours alone with nothing but your thoughts to keep you occupied. I decided the other day that I think the world comes down to 2 distinctly different types of people. There are those people that accept things for what they are at face value, and there are those that ask the question "why?" I am for sure one of the latter. I always want to know "why?" Here is a pointlessly long list of my observations/thoughts about my first few weeks in China.


For some reason Chinese people are suckers for dumb things being sold on the street?
The other day I saw a pair of nunchucks being sold. Of course the first thing I thought of was that "I want that!" Then I remembered when I was a kid and I had a pair, I always ended up hitting myself in the "biscuits?" Then I laid my eyes on an even bigger prize! They have ninja swords for sale everywhere!!! I thought to myself "what a useful item it would be to have with me while I am backpacking!" If anyone would start to give me a hard time, I would just have to pull out my sword!
*The Nomad asks the question:
Would you mess with a crazy looking white guy in Asia with a sword?

For some reasons the Chinese like to "get physical" early in the morning.
Chinese people flock to parks early in the morning to exercise. They like to do Tai Chi, run in place, Jazzercise, etc. I almost "soiled my draws" a few days ago when I was walking to catch a early train and I came across a group of aging Chinese people exercising with swords (to music I must add.)
*The Nomad asks the question:
What would Billy Blanks do if a gaggle of aging Chinese man came after him with swords?

For some reason in China the concept of standing in line means nothing?
When I first got to China I was appalled by the way people treated me when I got in line. Granted "cut the foreigner" is a popular game played everywhere in the world! Chinese are super aggressive when it comes to getting onto a bus, train, etc. A nice looking little 4 foot Chinese lady may look sweet and innocent till it comes down to getting a seat on a bus. After a few days of getting pushed around like John Stamos at a Compton swap meet I decided it was time to stand my ground! I thought to myself "what would Charles Darwin think about this situation?" According to his theory of "survival of the fittest" there is no reason a 6 foot tall man of steal like myself should give up a seat to a Chinese lady-hobbit! So now I get down and dirty with them!
*The Nomad asks the question:
What would Rosa Parks do?

For some reason Chinese people like to take pictures of themselves in front of every semi-impressive thing that they see?
Not just they like to take a picture in front of every building, church, mountain, statue, etc.... They always do a peace sign in the picture?
*The Nomad asks the question:
Would John Lennon be proud?

For some reason Chinese women think it is necessary to pluck off all of their eyebrows? They pluck them all of them off then they draw them back with a make-up pen? Sometimes they use a matching color to their lipstick (which they equally abuse?)
*The Nomad asks the question:
If you they are just going to draw them back, why pluck them off in the first place?

For some reason I keep ending up in Chinese barfaramas?
I was in a small van full of people a few days ago and it got dirty! There was a girl in the front of the bus that started vomiting. After about 3 minutes of that girl blowing, the girl behind her starting going in a bag. After a few more minutes of that, her friend on the side of her stared sharing the bag with her. So all together there was 3 of them throwing up at the same time. I am not 100% sure but I think the really old guy sitting in front of me might have thrown up in his jacket? And this is just one of my vomit stories!
*The Nomad asks the question:
Are Chinese allergic to the Nomad?

For some reason Chinese babies do not wear diapers?
The little kids here wear these pants with a hole cut out to expose the bum. When the kid has "to go" the parents hold it over the side walk so it can make "poo" on the street?
*The Nomad asks the question:
Would it be OK if I made "poo" on the street? Is there an age restriction to making "dookie" on the street?

For some reason Chinese dogs hate me?
When I walk down the street Asian dogs go wild! They usually want to eat me! The funny thing is when I had a Japanese friend visit me in the USA my sister's dog went crazy as well. Maybe the dogs are confused by the different smell?
Private Nomad thought: "Keep barking at me you little bastard, you are going be a sandwich soon enough!"
*The Nomad asks the question:
Would you eat a dog that was willing to eat you?

For some reason everything in China is built with people under 5 feet tall in mind?
I have trouble fitting comfortably on buses, sleeping in beds, and even taking a pee in a urinal. The first thing I do when I get on a train/bus is to find a free set of seats. I try to take up as much room as possible between the 2 seats and then I make a conscious effort to look as "crazy" as I can. I go all out, I mean talking to myself, I might even occasionally bang my head against the window for effect! My logic is if I look crazy enough no one will want to sit next to me.
*The Nomad asks the question:
Would you sit next to me if I were drooling on myself?

For some reason Chinese people love a good smoke?
Everyone in China seems to smoke. I do not think smoking is off limits anywhere in this country? The other day I went into an arcade to avoid a rain shower. They had one of those classic arcade games, the one with the crane that reaches down and grabs prizes. The only thing different was the prizes for the kids to win where packs of cigarettes.
*The Nomad asks the question:
I wonder if the Marlboro man was a pedophile?

For some odd reason Chinese people are into spitting?
They spit on the floor everywhere: buses, trains, restaurants, malls. It is really gross! They do the really obnoxious clear their throat noise before they spit as well. I always give them a mean look when they are spitting on the floor of the train next to me.
*The Nomad asks the question:
Is that why Asian are so good a basball?


For some "odd reason" when Chinese people go on vacation they like to wear matching outfits?
They usually like to wear a matching item of clothing. Some couples even take it a step further and get matching shirts painted with the other ones face on them. I lost it the first time I saw this because it made me think of home. When my parents go out shoping they usually like to wear matching silk shirts?
*The Nomad asks the question:
Do all Chinese look enough alike that they have to wear distinguishing items to tell each other apart?


At least I do not have to worry about premature balding.........~J to the NO

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