Lost in Lombardy:
A Tale of 11 Americanos in Northern Italy
**Disclaimer: Due to the epic nature of this trip, this is only a short preview of what I'm sure will evolve into a novella of sorts as time goes on and people add to it. Think of this as the trailer...**
Early in the morning of March 25th, 10 American travelers descended on Milan Malpensa Airport. They were soon met by their 11th member. There was a joyous meeting at the arrivals gate, and they quickly started out on their week-long trip in Northern Italy. The Cast of Characters were as follows:
- Fr. "Doctor" Moore: Amateur Travel Agent
- The Monsignor, Uncle Dickie
- Dr. Cheryl "I'm a Dentist" Branon
- "The Sistas":
- Corinne, aka "Gelato"
- Pat, aka "Rick Steve's BFF"
- Gail/TiTi, aka "Pissiano's favorite daughter"
- Bette, "DECAF, certo??"
- Gene, aka "Gennaro": The Chauffeur
- Nancy, aka "Linda": Native Italian Speaker/Master of Charades
- Jenni: The Interpreter
And there was someone else.... OH YEAH!
- Gracie "Silenzio" Amen
Right from the start the trip was an adventure. After the initial meeting, the travellers picked up their two shiny new rental cars. Everything was great until they realized that Italian cars are much smaller than American cars. And they tend to be manual. And there were 11 people. And 20 suitcases. And no one has driven stick in a few decades.
In a feat only matched by the clowns at the circus, they managed to fit the people AND the suitcases in the two tiny cars, and pull out. I could try to describe how this looked, but believe me, it needs to be seen. Let's just say that if someone had brought an extra pair of pajamas, it wouldn't have fit in the car.
After stalling only a few (re: 7 +) times in the parking lot, it became apparent that no one could get the van into reverse. But that's not a problem, right? After all, they were already out of the parking lot...
In the full length version you will hear such great stories as:
- Unable to get the van in reverse after making a wrong turn into the town of Monza, the travelers push the van backwards and then jump in, Little-Miss-Sunshine-Style.
- The travelers drive around the two roads of Briosco looking for their villa. They don't believe the several different locals that they ask, because the building they're all pointing to looks like an old run-down factory. Upon further inspection, this old factory was indeed the Villa. Once inside the walls, however, the villa turns out to be a gorgeous old estate once owned by the Medici's.
- The owner of the villa, Senora Giulini, henceforth referred to as the "Contessa", turns out to be an antique musical instrument collector. She, as well as the Villa's secretary, Paola, petition the travelers roughly 3 times a day to purchase the highly valued "concert". Supposedly this "concert" is held in the Villa on the antique organs and is quite the experience. It costs 1800 euro. The travelers all agree that it better be "quite the experience" if it costs that much.
- The travelers ride the funicolare in Lugano, Switzerland without buying tickets, a rare instance of "free fun". Several choruses of "funicoli funicola" were sung.
- After the lovely trip to Switzerland, the travelers get "lost". And "lost" is putting it lightly. During this 4 hour journey they discover many new facts such as: Italian road signs are NOT helpful or correct, no one (not even the people in the next town) know where Briosco is, highways only lead you North or South and it's almost impossible to travel East or West, there are entirely too many traffic circles in Italy, and Italians as a rule do not know or use street names/numbers when giving directions. Thank God for Adam, the catering manager back at the villa, who called numerous times attempting to give directions.
- A trip to Venice goes off almost without a hitch, not counting an all-day rain storm, and a long and tedious fight with a stubborn Italian who would not give up his seat on the train.
**AND find out answers to these burning questions.....**
- What do the travelers do on Sunday when northing's open?
- Exactly how many suitcases did they fit in the cars?
- Are the travelers interested in purchasing the Concert?
- Is it possible to get a gallon of gelato to-go? What if you bring along your own bowl?
- What happens when you use the Contessa's name to make reservations at a restaurant?
- Are there really slot parlors in Northern Italy? And if so, where?
- Which Italian waiter did the travelers like the best?
- Exactly how many pianos does the Contessa own?
- Bellagio, Menaggio, or Varenna: which is the best town on the lake?
- Have the travelers given any thought to the Concert?
- How mini is a mini pizza?
- Why isn't Lake Pusiano as famous as its sister to the north, Lake Como?
- Is it pronounced "PISSiano" or "PUSSiano"?
- Is George Cloony nice in real life?
- How many Americans does it take to figure out an Italian ATM?
- How many Americans does it take to figure out an Italian Slot Machine?
- Will Gracie ever shut up?
- Is the waiter absolutely sure that Sr. Bette got decaf?
And finally...
- ARE THEY INTERESTED IN THE CONCERT???????
All this and more, as you join the group and get Lost in Lombardy.....
More thumbnails ...
1 vote 
