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Oporto presents..........
Entry 33 of 58 | show all | print this entry |
Oporto presents.........................the first annual Best/Worst awards for mainland Portugal!
That's right folks after the success and critical acclaim of the Spanish Best/Worst awards Jamangie brings you a new and hopefully even more amusing event live from Oporto!......ok it's not live......not even close......in fact its well at least a month since I wrote notes for this blog..............not that I write notes or anything......it's always completely spontaneous isn't it?!?........
'Get on with it' sigh the crowd with a thinly veiled Python reference
'Get on with it!' they cry.....
Ok first up tonight we have 'BEST STOLEN LANDMARK'
Lisbon is a great city, but strangely a great city that has uncanny similarities with San Francisco......eerily so......both cities sit on wide estuaries which empty into the sea, have an island prison, steep narrow streets and many many trams......so what does Lisbon do when it needs a bridge? well they build a copy of the Golden gate bridge of course?!.......I guess sometimes you can't be bothered thinking can you......
Honourable mention in this category also goes to Lisbon and their weak attempt at copying the Bom Jesus of Rio de Janeiro........Build it bigger stupid!
'BEST SUBVERSION OF A PAGAN RITUAL'
Now you see the Christians were never good at partying........in fact in ancient days they sucked at partying so bad that they had to steal other people's festivals to give them a little cred....and who did they turn to the most, that's right the funnest of all ancients the Pagans!.........now we all know about Easter and Christmas but the Portuguese festival of Sao Joao takes the cake......and evidently this award.......ok so the crux of this party involves the cities residents emptying onto the streets armed with plastic hammers and bunches of herbs or if you're lucky long garlic fronds.....and basically......well getting pissed and staying up all night.....walking up and down the street hitting anyone in arms reach with your plastic hammer and trying to avoid those pesky garlic fronds going up your nose!.......Brilliant............I mean really............what could possibly be more fun.
'BEST/WORST SNACK MOST LIKELY TO LEAD YOU TO AN EARLY DEATH'
Ah the 'Francesinha'........that 'snack' which not even Homer Simpson or Elvis could have have conceived in their best nighmare........the 'snack' that confusingly translates to 'little french girl' and consists of the following:
A sandwich containing four different types or meat (Mortadella, Veal, Chorizo, and Linguica) piled to a stomach churning three inches. This 'Sandwich' is then covered in a thick......and I mean thick.....layer of melted cheese. And to top this monster off they serve it swimming in an inch of thick cheese sauce!?! A more appropriate name for this snack would be 'Heart Disease'........or 'Triple By-pass' but i guess the idea of eating some 'little french girl' was much more appealing to the residents of Porto.......perhaps understandably so........
'BEST CARNIVOROUS MEAL TO CONVERT A VEGETARIAN'
I don't think you should ever try and convert a vegetarian......it's just not polite.............but if you ever have a friend that has been possessed by vegetarian demons agaist their will then the meat to give them is 'Javali' that most mouth watering of all flesh..........'Javali is wild boar, a speciality of Northern Portugal and we ate it in the mountains of Geres after taking eight hours to do a four hour walk........(ok we were lost dammit!)......and despite obvious hunger this was the most impressive meat we'd ever had. For tradition and flavours sake this should be served to your possesed vegetarian friend skewered on a sword and barbequed.............mmmmmm wild boar......now we all know what Asterix and Obelix were on about!
'BEST/WORST EXCESSIVELY LARGE MEAL'
The Portuguese love to eat.............and they love to eat big.........thankfully for us feeblings they offer half doses of most of their meals..........the funny thing is these half doses can easily feed two or three! So I wasn't that hungry when I though i'd play it safe and order a half dose of whiting fillet..............wrong again jimsan.............what did i get..............four massive fillets of some supersized mutant whiting, a mountain of vegetables, rice and comically chips!............(is it just me or is serving chips and rice with a meal a little excessive? clearly not in Portugal!) First prize to nameless restaurant in Evora, honourable mentions to every other restaurant in Portugal.
'MAGELLAN AWARD FOR WORST DIRECTIONS'
The Portuguese are famous for providing the most baffling of directions to any intrepid taveller brave enough to ask. Directions from any local will be something like this.....'follow the road that goes up.......till you get to a building......I think its painted blue......then go down the street that goes up until you get to a fork in the road......go across the road and follow the one which has more brown buildings then go up,up,up,up...........etc etc
ad nauseum
So when you're in the montains you would think that the tourist office would be the safest option..............big mistake.........we asked a simple question..............is the renovated monastery hotel by the great Souto de Moura nearby?.......oh yes she exclaimed......did you come bus.......oh well you went past it, it's just down the road......no worries we thought........drop our gear off and we'll be trekking by lunch.............wrong!...........six laps up and down the main street in Geres confirmed it wasn't nearby...........so we risked asking another local who thankfully informed us we were on the right street but what we were looking for was 18 km down the road!?!.....farken...
So first prize in this category goes to the tourist office at Geres.............damn their eyes!
'BEST/WORST AWARDS FOR ARCHITECTURE'
Why are Architects continually so bad at providing enjoyable living structures for the economically and socially disadvantaged? Surely this is a category that Architects should be good at, after all aren't all Architects economically and socially disadvantaged?!?.......ok maybe not............but why do Architects insist on providing environments more reminscent of a DeChirico painting than egalitarian social harmony?...............First prize for social housing scheme most reminiscent of a DeChirico painting goes to Alvaro Siza and his Malagueira housing in Braga. But while ol' Siza may have be off the mark in Braga he certainly wasn't when he designed the Boa Nova tea house in Porto.....(god it must suck to build one of your best buildings at 29!.........where do you go?) this building is the ultimate pleasure to occupy and speaks volumes about what architecture can do when its done well, to heighten ones experience of space and the environment beyond. I could write reams about this splendid building but for the sake of non archi-types i'll leave it here.............First prize for architecture on mainland Portugal goes to Siza's tea house................just go there.
'BEST/WORST AWARD FOR MOST STUPIDLY SCALED TOILET DOOR'
Dear Rem Koolhaas I realise you're a tall man, and a man who gets big fuck off commisions but really!........Rem people put so much effort into deffacation and what do you do for them? You spend 80 percent of the toilet budget on a 4 metre high dunny door that weighs a tonne!.............give us a cistern we dream to fill you......you......you............talented world famous architect you. First prize in this category goes to the toilet doors at Casa da Musica in Porto............which in fact provides a fantastic facility for that most fantastic of cities....despite the dunny door!
ok we are almost there............it's probably monday morning where you are .....it's cold and wet...........and you don't want to be at work.............so you've had it with hearing about summery type places........but there is one more prize..........
'PRIZE FOR LEGENDARY KINDNESS ABOVE AND BEYOND THE CALL OF DUTY'
There was a clear winner for this prize............'Ze Duarte this is for you.............this champ managed to meet us every day and provide us with the best local insights into Porto and much humour despite working a ludicrous 4 jobs often into the middle of the night. 'Ze you are a legend and are always welcome wherever Jamangie rests.
ok peeps much love to you all
jamangie
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