Internal battles are the Greater Jihad
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Dubai,
United Arab Emirates
Thursday, March 8, 2007
WARNING--LONG, BORING SELF REFLECTION FOLLOWS:
Without getting too graphic, I've been working hard to overcome some of my more debilitating issues. I think victory has finally been achieved.
Beautiful People
The girls in this school have gotten me in a fighting stance, mostly because of what they have done to chip away at my friend--a fellow Cincinnatian's--self confidence. She's a powerfully built, thickset girl; and she has had a lot of bad stuff happen to her, so she has had to work against a negative "body image". Then two of my fellow Americans--one of whom is working to become a fashion designer--decided to try to "fix" her, and my friend confided in me that no one has made her feel so bad about herself in the recent past!
Now up till that point, I'd been feeling sort of lousy myself, because I am in no way, shape, or form one of the "beautiful people" around here. Needless to say, I was FURIOUS to hear this story, and it certainly cleared my mind! I don't want to be beautiful, if it makes some innocent person feel bad about herself. So, anyway, I'm no longer kicking myself...although I certainly feel like kicking a few other people!
Alcoholism
I'm NOT trying to overcome alcoholism, I assure you. I'm trying not to lose my temper with others, actually. I think these people are actually very craven: it's like they can't just be silly without a blood-alcohol content higher than their GPA!
Like me, I'm just whacky anyway. I was sitting alone in my dorm room the other night trying to do homework, and I got this brilliant idea to stick the inserter-end thingy of my earphones into the chocolate cake--so I could listen to chocolate! Yes, I was that tired of the radio; no, I was not drunk. (It was like two in the morning, though, that helps to know.)
Slacker!
It's not so much that I slack off, but I slouch off. My posture is a terrible problem, as it has been all my life, and several people brought this to my attention all at once this week. I have found a way to combat this--I bought this massive necklace, and if I even slide one little bit out of line, it starts thumping around.
Okay...actually that's just my excuse for buying a massive necklace. But I want you to take note of this fact as it reflects my environment--I'm not someone who EVER wears jewlery.
Identity Crisis
I already mentioned that I can pass for like any Caucasian nationality imaginable. In addition, each person here has told me their impression of me: I've heard that I am intimidating, and also that I slouch and will be easily victimized in the real world...which is it? I've heard that I have cool clothes, and also that I am a total dork and need fashion advice (same girls as above). I've been treated with extreme respect, and also treated like trash. People have told me I am fun and social, and also that I am insecure and withdrawn, and tense. I only know one thing for sure--I am not, nor have I ever been, insecure. That's why I can take all these comments in stride. Now, what if I were one of those people who really depend on others to define who they are? There really are people like that! I'd be all tied in a knot!
I know none of this is interesting, but I feel like I can't just add another inane little story; I feel like I need one entry anyway of introspection, self-study, and sensitivitiness! Because this is a journal. And also because there is more to study abroads than cute stories. Anyway, those are some of the things I've been overcoming.
I think that's enough fighting for this week.
