Smuggler caught with contraband into China

Some days, you do ordinary things. Some days, those ordinary things become extra-ordinary. Most days, we all keep a low profile, carrying no with our lives. And fortunately no one interferes with our run-of-the-mill daily activities.

coffee machine - yeah right

But what if you are a drug-smuggler? Or if you are couriering stuff across borders?

This is a new story that never made it to the newspapers - thank goodness.

"A New Zealand man was arrested today at the Chinese border of Lo Hu when attempting to cross into Shenzhen from Hong Kong carrying illicit goods. The man, who has been granted name suppression, was detained by Chinese customs officials and later formally charged with smuggling prohibited items into China.

Deputy head of the Shenzhen Customs Service of the People's Republic of China, Wang Xiao Bao, said an inspection of the man's baggage found a number of possessions which should not be brought into China, as well as a few items which had been exported from China and we about to be re-imported back into the Middle Kingdom.

nuclear reactor

"We've had to put on extra staff to cope with this big haul of prohibited items. Many of the things we found in the man's possession are not known to us, but we suspect they are drugs used in the West."

Wang Xiao Bao said customs border security officials took the man aside when they noticed he was carrying four bags, none of them the low-price plastic fabric red-white-and-blue 'Australian Gucci' bags favoured by border smugglers. "The man was carrying more than 35kg in four different bags - two backbacks, a duty-free bag and a plastic bag. When we saw him on the closed-circuit TV we knew we were about to bust a serious criminal: a foreigner living in China."

The Customs Service today released a list of items found in the man's bags, and in a written confession obtained detailed descriptions of the items as well as information on the use of each one.

These included:

Packets of biological weapons of mass destruction - claimed by the offender as cultures and vegetable rennet for making cheese.

A club-like weapon and four sharp sticks - claimed to be sporting equipment from England.

Religious material - pictures of outdoors and religious designs - which the offender said were calendars from his home country and featuring local minority images.

Suspicious packets of white powder in clear plastic bags - which the Customs Service were told was the drug 'Edmond's Sure to Rise' baking powder.

Two large tubs of a white thick gel - possibly explosives - which the offender said was Recovery Rub for after-exercise.

Measuring cups - probably for making weapons - claimed to be for home baking.

A vicious weapon of steel and plastic - which the New Zealander claimed was for assaulting potatoes.

An egg-shaped white object which could be a bomb - claimed to be an egg to encourage hens to lay eggs.

Bottle stoppers and pourers.

A pair of sandals - similar to those worn by known terrorists Jesus of Nazarath, Osama of Afghanastan, and Ghandi.

A striped dressing gown which could be used for evil leisure pursuits.

A glass bottle of a New Zealand plant essence - called manuka - which claims to heal wounds.

Enough dental floss to strangle a whole planeload of China Southern Air passengers.

Various acids - tartaric, citric - for making sour bombs and also ginger beer bombs.

A yellow powder claimed to be seameal custard powder, but found to be not tasty by our staff.

Two jars of a black thick substance which could be an industrial compound - claimed to be with the streetname Marmite.

Small bags of black flakes and substances claimed to be Indian spices for making tea.

Bondage equipment including leash and plastic ring - claimed to be for dogs, but we know these kindy, decadent foreigners.

A large 11-litre container possibly for making projectile weapons - claimed to be for making beer.

Sachets of biological weapons of mass destruction - claimed to be yeast for making beer and bread.

Various packets of substances originating from India, next to evil Pakistan - claimed to be for cooking Indian food.

Seeds of various plants, vegetables, flowers, etc for waging biological warfare on China.

Two cakes of Coal Tar, possibly an illegal substance, but claimed to be soap.

Coloured sweet things called makhwas from India.

Large plastic devices for suffocating people, each sealed in lubricated packet, claimed to be for preventing children, but know for the mass killings by condoms in Tianjin city in 1997.

Metal tins with indentations, possibly a bulletproof vest, but claimed to be for 'making muffins'.

Customs officials are investigating other items and trying to identify the remaining items in the man's possession before they lay more charges. The man claimed he was merely bringing in materials he could not easily obtain in south-west China.