kristina in hell

You might think it's funny or a joke that I titled this entry "kristina in hell" but if you didn't get this impression from John's entry, you will from mine: Vipassana meditation is torture. Honestly I'm amazed that I made it. When day 10 came and I found myself sitting for the last evening meditation hour of the 120 hours of meditation that we did, I was astounded that I was there and that I had made it. Maybe I have more will power and self determination than I thought I did- but of course that was part of the point.

gate of ashram

To begin my account of the course, I will introduce a quote and an analogy that came from our nightly discourses which speak directly to the heart of my experience.

great lunch

-Quote:The first nobel truth of Vipassana meditation is the ability to observe misery

-Analogy: Our instructor likened our meditation process to that of a surgery, but with a couple of differences. In western medicine, surgery is performed by trained doctors who cut you open while you are unconcious and unaware. This type of surgery as most of us know can be pretty bad. Vipassana meditation though puts the discomfort of "real" surgery to shame. In Vipassana, each individual is the surgeon on himself, untrained of course. And in addition to being untrained we also don't know what we're looking for to cure, and if we did find something, would have no idea of how to cure it- all without anesthetics.

indian sweets

So much of the time I felt like this poor confused surgeon and patient at once. Performing something incredibly painful against myself that I didn't understand. For me the experience was a mental battle and especially one against time and the hours. Sitting through the pain was something that I disliked but was something that I could manage. What I couldn't manage was knowing that I have 40 more minutes in this sitting and then would have 6 more hours of meditation today and then have 5 more days of meditating after that. I counted down the days, the hours, the minutes in agony. Sure for the first few moments when you discover a new sensation there is a moment of exhilaration but then you still have to pass your mind over that sensation one hundred more times and it is no longer fun but a chore that must be performed. Here's a good example for you of how much the time plagued me. On the third day while we were still in the Anapana part of the course, merely observing our natural breath, I couldn't feel my natural breath. Forced breath yes, natural breath no, and really I had no idea which was my natural breath and which was my forced breath so I let go of the desire to distinguish one from the other and let my mind do as it will. A few minutes later I found my whole body to be a mass of vibrations. I was comfortable. I no longer had any pain and I was able to actually observe my body from above. An out of body experience, crazy right. For a few minutes I thought so but then I thought but I have 30 more minutes, I better find something else.

john at gate of ashram

The battle against time and the battle to feel the elusive sensations can probably best sum up my experience. What was interesting though is that everything that I initially thought would be difficult weren't at all. 6 hours of sleep or less, but I was never tired. Less than 2 meals a day, but I was never hungry. No one to talk to, but I was never lonely.

Something else that intrigues me is that although the 10 days were inexplicably unpleasant, I was never unhappy. I was alone, no companionship. I hurt. I was frustrated by my mind that never performed as I would have wanted it to. I restlessly counted the hours and the minutes, yet I was never unhappy. I was never miserable. I have had periods of time in my life when I have been unhappy, I have been miserable, and after this experience I wonder why. What is it that makes a situation miserable rather than just unpleasant. I don't have the answer but I'm wondering.

kristina in ashram

Despite the pain and the long hours I'm glad that I took the course. I'm impressed that I was able to sit through 10 days. I am capable of it. It was also fascinating to experience another component of human ability, capability. If I train and hone my awareness enough, I can be aware of the most subtle vibrations that DO envelop my whole physical body.

The 10 day course was merely an introduction to the process, only the first step down a very long road. I don't know if I'll continue the practice. I may in a few years. But right now I'm 22 and it's great to be exposed to and to experience new and different practices as difficult as they may be. May all beings be happy. Namaste. Kristina

kristina meditating

Meditation Gang

pagoda

sarah meditating