Shear genius in China

  Kaifeng, China
Thursday, November 22, 2007

As many of you know, I like the 1980s a lot.  I also like John Stamos a lot.  What do they both have in common? Mullets.  What do they have in common with China? Mullets.  What did they have in common with me for a couple of hours this week? Mullets.
 
I've been joking about getting my hair cut for awhile.  My students have spectacularly bad haircuts (they make the time I cut my own bangs when I was five look like I was talented) and it was a little baffling to me that they would go into a hair salon and actually ask for that.   
 
Minglun Jie has about five hair salons on it and they all consist of the same elements - flashing lights, pop music pumping out of it, and legions of boys with a hair style we have dubbed "the boof."   One of the salons used to have everyone wearing the same track suit that featured the Canadian maple leaf on the back, but those suits have inexplicably disappeared.  But it was the music that usually attracted us.  Never before in my life have I heard "I want it that way" or "Everybody" by the Backstreet Boys pumped out through large stereo systems so earnestly.  One day as I was eating lunch at the jiaozi restaurant, Max ran in and grabbed me so we could run back to a hair salon in time to dance to Enrique Iglesias' "Escape" in the street.
 
But mainly it was fun to joke about where I would get my hair cut.  I would change my allegiances to hair salons based on their running track record with music selection or how many people were lounging about on the couches that were their own brand of Chinese chic.  One time, a hair salon had a KTV set-up going on and I instantly proclaimed that was where I was to get my hair cut.  Karaoke and a haircut at the same time? What a great combination!  So it was in this spirit the other day when I decided today was the day.  I was going to get my hair cut.
 
Armed with pictures of what I wanted, thinking and hoping that I had chosen a hair cut that was impossible to mess up, especially with the provided photographic consultation opportunities, I headed to my first Chinese hair salon.  Persuaded by Icy and Cherry who were acting as my translators, they lead me to one of the non-KTV hair salons.  They actually took me to the hair salon that first caught my eye when I came to Kaifeng.  It has a giant couch next to the window with the largest teddy bear pillow I have ever seen.

teddy bear!

  The first week we were here, I saw the same guy with his boofy hair lounging on the couch - with his elbow propped up on the teddy bear's head, hand supporting his face and slack jaw, and a vacant expression - every day for the whole week.
 
But this time there was no slack-jawed Chinese youth propped up by the teddy bear.  Instead there was a Chinese Elvis wearing patent leather shoes, a flared collar, and the best Elvis 'do an Asian could do.
 
    "Oh God, check out the boof on that guy," Erin and Ben said as we passed the hair salon on our way to dinner.
    "I hope he's the one that's going to cut your hair," said Ben.
    "I hope not," I said, thinking that the one thing I did not want from this experience was to have the Asian boof.
 
Apparently, my hope wasn't strong enough.

boof profile

When we first walked in, Elvis stood up immediately to claim me as his next client.  As I was trying to reconcile the fact that the Elvis impersonator was going to be cutting my hair, Icy and Cherry tried to tell him what I wanted.  After showing him the picture, the first thing out of his mouth was "Do you want a perm?"
    "Oh God," I thought.  "This is already not going well."
    "What did you say?" I hesitantly asked Cherry and Icy.
    "No, and that you want to be able to still pull your hair back and you want some layers," Cherry said.

So, while Elvis busied himself combing and plaiting my hair into different sections while running off to do something for several minutes at a time, I patiently waited.

scary scary

I tried to avoid looking at the poster right next to the mirror in front of me with five Asian men sporting varying degrees of boof and stylized Asian mullets.  Yet, despite all of my efforts, my eyes kept going back to their smiling, spiky hair in all of its mullet glory.
 
Then, without so much as a warning - a nod, a smile or a grunt would have been nice - it started.  With a quick movement of his hand, his scissors silently took the first slice out of my hair and before I could blink he was holding way too much of my hair in his hand.  It was too late.  I couldn't stop him.  My hair, which had been the longest it's ever been in my memory, was suddenly two inches long on top.
 
    "Cherry Cherry Cherry Cherry Cherry Cherry!" I said, as her name shot of my mouth clenched mouth.  "Make sure he does NOT go any shorter."
    "Oh, oh that is very short. Um...." She said as she turned to Elvis and muttered some questions in Chinese.  As she looked at me in the mirror, Elvis handed her a chunk of my hair to hold up as she tried to tell me that everything was going to be ok and that he was just giving me layers.  Suddenly, I had no problem not looking at the poster of the glorified Asian mullets.  I was watching Elvis' hand movements like a hawk. And with every movement, my hair just kept getting sliced out of my head too quickly for me or Cherry and Icy to say anything about it.  It's not that I was emotionally attached to my hair.  I usually don't really care, it's just that when you suddenly lose about six inches of hair without your control, you suddenly find that there isn't a lot of air in the room.
 
    "Emily, does your hair grow quickly?" Icy asked me.
    "I don't know, it grows normal?" I said. "Why?"
    "Do not worry.  By the time you get back to your country..."
    "Oh shit," I thought.
    "It will be very very long again."
 
At this point, Erin, Alex and Ben came in to the hair salon (equipped with a camera) and instantly started to laugh.
    "How does it look?" I asked.
    "Well....." said Ben.  "I think you're going to look like you came from your favorite decade."
    "I don't think it's big enough," said Alex, as he eyed the increasing size of my hair as it dried and fluffed out.
    "Shut up.  It's big enough, thankyouverymuch," I shot out of my mouth.
 
As Cherry, Icy, Erin, Ben, Alex and myself watched, Elvis quickly continued to machete my hair.  Slicing here and there, twisting and turning my hair so I had no idea what he was doing, the amount of hair on my head quickly diminished as the amount of me on the floor grew.
    "There is so much of your hair on the floor," Erin said laughing.
Cherry and Icy were talking to Elvis and all of sudden I just heard them gasping.
    "What? What? What is going on?" I asked.
    "Um, we just asked him if you would still be able to pull your hair back and he said no," they told me.

Now I realized that most of my students probably didn't go into hair salons asking for their haircut.  I realized that they had been victimized by Elvis.
 
    "Ok, well can you tell him that I don't like big hair?" I said as I eyed his boofy asian jerry curl.  "What I mean is, I don't want my hair to be as tall as his."
As Cherry and Icy told him this, they started to laugh at his reply.
    "He says that the bigger you make your hair, the more beautiful it will be," Icy said.
 
Oh God, not only is Elvis cutting my hair, I thought, but I'm also getting my hair cut at a Dolly Parton hair salon. In China.
 
After awhile as he kept cutting, I realized I had enough.
    "Cherry, please tell him to stop cutting.  I do not want it to be shorter," I said.
    "He said it's ok, he's almost done.  He's trying to make it as close to the picture as possible.  It will just be a few more minutes," she said.

photographic consulation

   
    "Do you not like it?" Icy asked.  "If you don't like it, you can blame Tianey.  She told us this was a good place to go," she joked.
    "No no, it's fine. It's just...different than what I am used to," I said.
 
Elvis then did some flourishing finishing touches that made my haircut involve a flipped out duck tail.
    "I have a mullet, don't I?" I asked the fellow laowai.
    "Um....yeah," said Ben and Alex as they nodded their heads.
And suddenly, just as quickly as it started - he was done.  Elvis had finished my hair.
 
    "How much is this going to cost?" I asked.
    "Five kuai," Cherry told me.
    "I got a mullet from Elvis for less than a dollar?!" I thought.
 
As I put my coat and scarf on, Erin, Ben and Alex stopped and said "With your scarf on it's actually a really good haircut! You don't have a mullet!"
    "The barber wants to know if you like it?" asked Icy, as Elvis was standing behind her, lighting a cigarette.
    "Yeah, tell him it's fine.  It's what I was looking for," I said.

me and elvis

As we walked out of the salon, Erin turned to me. 
    "So, we can fix that mullet part for you when we get back to your apartment, or do you want to wait for Jess to see it?" she asked.
    "Well, considering I made fun of her for having a mullet when she was younger, I don't really think that would be a good idea.  I would never live it down," I said.
    "I mean, you have a mullet and that makes it pretty awesome," said Ben.
    "Yeah, it kind of is," I thought.
 
But that didn't stop me from cutting off the mullet part when I got back to my apartment.
    "You know, I think this will grow out really nicely," said Erin.  "Just as long as we keep an eye on the mullet part."
 
Trust me, we will.