Recovering Balance in the Eye of Bird Flu's Storm

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  Kolkata (Calcutta), West Bengal, India
Saturday, February 2, 2008

It is not coincidental that, just as I am blossoming inwardly once again, a compelling distraction has been whirling around me in the form of the West Bengal bird flu epidemic. Coming from the family that I do, where 3 generations have proudly wielded our opinions like flashing, sharpened swords in private and public venues, I am easily drawn into the fray. The impulse to answer the call of alarm to right whatever wrong of the moment is almost irresistible for me. Then fighting the dragon takes over. It consumes my life, then leaves me toxic and hard, dry and dead.

I only have 3 more weeks here. Mounting a campaign for a more conscious response to a world health hazard is not why I am here. I am here to regain the organic center of my life after fighting for the women of DR Congo for 15 months, 12-14 hours a day, every day, and for my husband's survival from cancer for the 5 years before that. I will not be able to make any meaningful contribution to life if I lose, once again, the precious and hard-won, opening thread that is leading me so sweetly back to the life of the sacred.

After my blog was picked up by a number of avian flu watch/discussion websites and those who follow them, the number of those reading my blogs shot up over 500% over the last 2 weeks. It is all very flattering to my ego to feel I have a special role to play, that others around the world are looking to me for vital information.

Predictably, I found myself spending almost all available energy and attention researching and communicating about bird flu rather than attending to my all-too-recently and tenderly relit inner lamp. The intensity of the lamp was starting to dim. It wasn't quite as accessible with my head getting more and more full of bird flu this, bird flu that. Getting obsessed with keeping the world informed about the latest bird flu reports and what I am seeing on the ground here in Kolkata, when I am utterly powerless to alter the course of what inevitably will or will not happen here, was exacting far too high a personal cost.

Yes, yes, yes - there is much to be alarmed about in West Bengal right now. (The most recent, among many serious failures in protocols for responding to the epidemic, all of which have potentially disastrous human consequences, was reported in today's Times of India: many bird flu culling teams were not held in isolation to assure that they did not take the disease home to their families and communities. Many culling team members who were quarantined left every day and only came back for morning and evening roll calls. Other teams refused to take Tamiflu. Some culling team members were not provided with protective aprons during culling operations.)

After talking to the manager of my condominium about specific vulnerabilities for pathways to infection which should be addressed with residents here should an outbreak be confirmed in Kolkata, I came to a conclusion. India functions from the top down. Period. Hardly anyone at the bottom can impact that mindset, least of all me. I am not in control. I need to surrender to that reality and recognize a 6 foot thick brick wall when I hit it. Who am I kidding, anyway? If information comes out about a human case or cases in West Bengal, everyone on the web will get that word as soon as I do. So if I don't refocus on why I am here, I will have sold the life of my soul, and the rarest of rare opportunities that I have been given here, for a very paltry illusion indeed, however significant the global drama might be that was involved.

So, my dear bird flu concerned friends, I have to step back. I cannot carry this burden. I cannot get overwrought about the bird flu. I am being very aware and careful, keeping informed. I will be conscious, but I refuse to be afraid. If the epidemic goes human while I am here, I will do all I can to help and educate other human beings. If anything truly significant surfaces in terms of a human case or human-to-human sustained transmission developing, I will post a blog entry on that as soon as possible. More than likely, you will have find out about it at almost exactly the same time as I do, because you are on the web.

Please consider this, though: I believe some measure of detachment here is in order for us all. None of us can ever be fully prepared for a world health crisis. Losing my husband to cancer after our heroic efforts to prevent his death, I thought I was ready as he moved closer to the inevitable. But I wasn't. We are never ready. We can only do our thoughtful, measured best to be ready, then we need to let go. We need to nurture our spirits and calm our minds. We need our souls intact. We need inner peace and stillness, so the higher, creative and beneficent cosmic intelligence can subtly inform and guide us on how to respond to every moment. Only then will we be able to respond most appropriately, most humanely, most consciously, to whatever upheaval a given moment might bring.

If my life has taught me anything, it is that we are all inescapably vulnerable as human beings. A certain peace comes in reckoning with the truth of that. There is something immeasurable to be gained by surrendering ourselves to that vulnerability and seeking a higher wisdom with which to hold it, all while we do our best to prepare for what we see on the horizon. I pray that we all will make the most beautiful, inspiring moment possible of this and every moment. Then, whatever comes, we will have the courage and grace and presence to meet it.

Peace and love to you all,
Ann/GlobalGramma

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