Emotions, Feelings, and Thoughts

Trip Start Oct 02, 2008
Trip End Nov 20, 2008

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Flag of United States  , Rhode Island
Monday, November 10, 2008

I'm home. I'm emotional. I'm lost. I'm hopeful. And I have no clue as to the future.

I must be getting used to traveling because the 24 hour plus trip home this time was as easy as a trip to Mexico. But the leaving and arriving has gotten much more difficult. I couldn't stay in Vietnam any longer, still, I feel my heart hanging in the humidity of Ho Chin Minh City. I'm glad to be home, still, I wonder...what next? I feel scared, sad, and totally unsure of what I am supposed to be doing with my life. (Pretty weird for someone my age.)

The last afternoon in Saigon I spent talking to university students in the park. Every minute enjoyable and interesting. The last night I spent talking to a woman on a park bench. She offered her body in exchange for money to buy food. I gave her money and instead of her body I took away with me her desperation. The conflict of Vietnam somehow got packed in my bags as I departed for the safety of home. I'm at once hopeful and despairing. My life feels like a mess with no path in sight. At the same time underneath that cloud I feel peaceful and closer to the truth of what life is than ever before.

I am restless, rooting, and running. I am more determined than ever to be still and listen. I am learning that what appears to be one mistake after another is really life offering me one lesson after another because I am willing. More than ever I repeat Krishnamurti's secret: "I don't mind what happens." I am peace in the center of the cyclone.
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