Brisvegas Baby!!
Trip Start
May 26, 2004
1
13
20
Trip End
Ongoing
Brisbane,
Australia
Wednesday, June 30, 2004
01-Allriiiiiiiiiigght buuuuuuud!!
.Now all this didn't happen but yer man was such a dick I really wanted to plant my two (blunt) swords up his arse but after the problems I had with my visa and the fact that he was technically right (but being a wanker about it) I kept my mouth shut and left him to his rewarding and very important job of pointing people at desks. The drama wasn't going to end there for me though, oh no!! Fiona was able to go ahead through as an Australian citizen so she waited patiently for me to come through. Once I managed to fight my way to the front I was then informed that once again there was a problem with my visa. It seems they had left my middle name which appears on my passport off the visa. So I was waved through while they sorted it out and eventually they fixed up everything and I was allowed to leave. Unfortunately they also never gave me an entry stamp which was to haunt me for the next year. When we got our bags we were approached by a customs agent with a sniffer dog who was smelling it's little heart out. It was the cutest little beagle and of course Fiona was loving it. For some reason the dog was loving our bags and stayed sniffing around them for about 2 minutes which might not seem like much time but we were sweating a bit. They must however be trained to bark if they find anything cos they wandered of without saying a word to us which was nice considering the trouble I had getting into the country I didn't really want be kicked out before I'd seen the place.
So we had finally arrived in Brisbane. Unfortunately we got there fairly financially insolvent and so I guess we needed to make the most of what would be one of our last holiday times for a while. We had organised a hostel from Japan in the main street in Brisbane so we high tailed it over there and got ourselves settled in
02-Like a hairy Buddah
. No dorm of course (we were a bit broke not povo!!) so thankfully all we had to worry about was our 2 ton of luggage falling through into the room below but at least if the floor held it was safe. Due to this one of our first decisions was to scrap our flight to Sydney. All the stress and hassle with luggage and swords and visa just was becoming a bit tiresome so we decided that we would drive down from Brisbane to Sydney when our week ended. We could then use the flight to get us to Perth for a wedding of one of Fiona's friends in September. So that decision made we were free to relax and enjoy ourselves. We had flown over night so we got some kip and then headed out and about for a look around the city. The hostel had a bar and a café downstairs which would come in very handy. It was the first of July which in the southern hemisphere is the very depth of winter. So as we went around all of the winter sales watching the natives' bundles up in coats and hats we were a bit confused. See it was 26 degrees or so and me strutting around in my g'er, Fi as red as a sunburnt beetroot and both of us sweating like a priest in a nun's bedroom we looked slightly out of place. Except of course for the other Irish around the place that you could spot a mile away. County jerseys, freckles and a bogger tan line so straight that it looked like it had been done with a T-square. One of the first culture shocks was every shop you went into every body was real friendly and was asking how we where. Now when I was a supervisor in Virgin and in the cinema I was always trying to drum into my guys to meet the customers with a smile and a "how's it going" instead of a grunt
03-Wombat
. Now these guys took it to a whole new level. Every shop it was like "hey, how are you guys today. How's things", which obviously got real annoying real quick. They didn't seem to take the hint at all. I mean if you walked in with 10 fully cocked skunks tied to you with a sign proclaiming "STAY BACK OR I'LL SQUIRT" there would be more than one Brisbane shop assistant having the old bleach shower that night. At one stage I had planned to turn to the next person who asked me how I was and start with "Well I'm glad you asked" and proceed to tell them, quite loudly, several real and imagined unpleasant problems but Fi didn't want to cause a scene so we just got on with the shopping.We didn't have an awful lot of time so we checked out a couple of tours. First stop would be a trip to lone pine Koala reserve followed later by a package that included The Big Pineapple, a honey factory and Australia Zoo (Crikey!!). For the meantime however we had to amuse ourselves in the local boozer. Luckily as I mentioned before there was one just downstairs. So off we toddled and first thing we saw was a sign pronouncing $10 for a dinner and a free pint. This was both a good and a bad thing. Good obviously cos you got a steak and a pint of beer for about 6 Euro. Bad because as we were guzzling down the XXXX by the pint load we were being lured into a false sense of security, not knowing that once we hit Sydney (or another pub in Brisbane) and went to the bar and ordered one of their finest brew of hops, yeast and yes, barley we would be presented with something known as a "schooner". I think renowned poet, wit and self proclaimed world's greatest penalty kicker; Ross O'Carroll-Kelly described it best as a "Fisher Price Pint". This has left many an ex pat limp wrested and unable to hold their beer as tales of sculling 10 beers with the lads just don't sound as impressive if you are sitting there with a glass of beer like your Great Aunt Betty
04-New fashion accessory. Koala bag
. Further horror was to be ahead when I found out that some people in Australia are so poor they need to buy beer by the mouthful in something known, somewhat ambiguously as a "middy". If that's a middy, I don't even want to contemplate a smally.Anyhoo as is often the case when discussing beer and the vessels for the amber nectar I digress. There we were having a nice pint and some succulent dead cow when all of a sudden some fucker snuck in the UCD student bar when we weren't watching. One minute there was a sedate few people enjoying a snifter of port or two and then there was shot filled belly buttons, banana filled crotches and whip cream covered nipples from wall to wall. As far as I could tell no one gave the DJ head but I wasn't watching the whole time so who knows. Obviously we quickly finished our meal and well, joined in. There was many a jug and hotly contested game of pool had before we hit the town with a couple of randomer's, got completely lost and ended up back in the hostel a little the worse for wear. One of the best things apart from the sunshine and cheap beer that we noticed in our time was that there was no ridiculous no shoes - no entry rule. This was good, cos I didn't have any. So one you looked semi respectable the fact that you were wearing runners wasn't a problem (and in some places county jerseys were acceptable - we stayed away from there). Finally some common sense
05-Chillin like a villian
. So far a positive start to our time in Oz. The next day was our trip to lone pine Koala Park so we were picked up nice and early, fashionably hung over and we were on our way. Fiona's not a huge fan of Koalas as they are known to be quite violent in the wild. Apparently they'll have your eyes out and eat them like grapes if you are not careful. Once we actually got up close I was a bit sceptical. These things are about as lively as O'Driscoll at 3am in D2 on a Saturday night. They actually sleep for about 20 hours a day. Then spend the rest of the day eating. Now while I know this does sound like the life for more than one of the people reading this they are actually really lethargic for the few hours they are up and are constantly being splattered across various highways. They are mad looking things with two thumbs and their fur was really coarse. They were just sitting around relaxing and we got there at a good time cos there were a good few babies to be seen clinging onto the backs of the mothers. Of course we learned all about them and how the young are born and then we got to take a picture holding one. That was pretty cool and they are heavy bastards. We were told to stand still so that they think we are a tree. Dumb shits. Anyway we saw plenty of Koalas and moved on to have a look around the rest of the park. One of the highlights was they sheepdog display. They had a proper Aussie farmer with his sheep dogs and they herded a flock of sheep around
06-get that camera out of my face
. There was a lot of whistling and "come by" what ever the hell that means. He had one small little dog who he used to move them around in tight spaces and he would jump up on the back of the sheep in the pen. It was funny as. Of course Fi couldn't look as it was a bit too soon after leaving Daisy behind to me looking at other dogs. They had a pretty big selection of animals. They had Kangaroos running wild around the place. Smoking, loitering, cussing, intimidating people that kind of thing. It was cool though cos for a donation you got a bag full of food and they would eat it straight out of your hand. There were lots of joeys around again and it was funny as to see them hopping along and jumping into the pouch. Some of them were quite big too with their feet and their legs sticking out. They had wombats (Fi's favourites) and all kinds of other Australian animals. Some of which are funny looking things!! There were a lot of wild birds who lived in the area. There were the Lorikeets which Fiona loved which are really brightly coloured red and green birds. They had feeding tables for them which were little platforms you could hold in your hand and they all flock around. They perch on your head, on your shoulders, wherever trying to get at the food. My favourites were the Cockatoos. I love their punk hair, their little fat legs and their fuck you attitude always has me in stitches
07-What's that skippy?
. They had a few eagles but they were tied up cos they were injured. So we wandered around for a while taking in the sunshine and the wildlife and what have ya for another couple of hours. Then we headed back to the hostel for another night of old style drunken debauchery. We had to take it easy though cos we were up early for our monster trip to the gold coast and Australia Zoo.We positively bounded out of bed the next morning like the proverbial Kangaroo. We were picked up outside the hostel and brought to the centre to get on our coach for our trip. We got an and were presented with the most aussie guy I have seen (or heard) since Alf from home and away (come to think of it I've never seen the two of them together, Hmmmmm interesting!). This guy was fully kitted up with the outback hat and the khakis and bizarrely a pair of shorts and knee high socks. Apparently most bus drivers and a lot of other guys wear this ridiculous looking outfit. Imagine getting on the 77a to Tallaght and seeing the driver behind the wheel flashing some pasty white peg between hid shorts and his FMS (fuck-me socks). I mean, how could he look the junkies in the eye when kicking them off the bus. He'd be a laughing stock. Saying that though the guy looked like Herman Munster so any comments I had about his dress sense (pre-disposition for diddling little boys) I kept to myself. We headed on our way to the Zoo
08-Fi and the local wildlife
. The trip consisted of a stop at the Zoo, the big Pineapple, some honey place (oh the joys of writing two years after the event) and a trip to sea world. First and most exiting was the Zoo. On out way there the driver regaled us with some tales about Queensland. Some true some probably not. Though it was a shock to hear that the largest City in the world was there and also the hottest temperature ever recorded in Australia was there. A skin blistering 53 degrees. He also gave us some spiel about Steve Irwin and it helped pass the time. Once we got to the place it was enormous. There was so much to see but we were on a deadline so we had to make do the best we could. We saw some baby tigers but not as close up as in Thailand. Posed for pictures with the crocodile hunter's truck and checked out as many exhibits as we could. There was also some turtles that were over 100 years old and they were enormous. I mean their shell must have been 3 or 4 feet wide. We were also there for the feeding of the elephants. They marched 3 of them down one of the main streets and came along with a bucket full of food for them. You just grabbed a piece and the elephants took it out of your hand and in the gob. They had potato and apples but the nelly's didn't seem to like the potatoes so everytime they got one the just tossed it aside. We needed to see as much as we could before the croc show. We packed into the stadium and there was a bird and reptile show with some snakes being brought through the audience. Then we got onto the main event
09-Me and Ken (the Kangaroo)
. The croc show. Steve Irwin wasn't there that day which was a bit of a pisser but it was exciting enough. You really don't realise how huge they are until they are up close. They are of course completely untameable and will bite the bollox off ya if you get too close. Which the lunatic in the compound did, repeatedly. Unfortunately he kept getting away from the croc so there was no gore but it was an excellent show none the less. So after a few more pictures we were back on the bus and on our way to the big Pineapple. It does exactly what it says on the (DelMonte) tin. It's a big pineapple plantation with the tackiest looking giant Pineapple shaped building. They grow thousands of the things here and you can see them stretching for miles. We were given a tour and an explanation on how they are grown and reaped. They also had dozens of other fruit grooving in the area and they had a nice little train which pottered along through the middle of it. For some bizarre reason they had Alpacas and a farm too but basically that was the jist of it. Kinda pointless really but it was part of the tour so what can ya do! Next stop was a honey shop called Superbee. Now I thought we might see some bees or maybe a part of the honey making process but all it did was sell honey so it was a bit of a disappointment and we were raging that we had to leave the Zoo for these two duds. The place also inexplicably had some birds and chicken and this was about the only highlight
10-i'm knackered
. They had these truly mad looking chickens there. They had this flap of skin basically covering their face and they actually looked deformed. They also had normal non-children -traumatising chickens and the old reliable Cockatoo. Again I questioned the point of visiting the place but we were soon on our way to sea world. So we got there and it was pretty cool. Plenty of sharks and turtles and at the start we were even allowed put our hands in the tanks with the rays which felt weird. So we stayed for the seal show and the otters and as much as we could before we had to head back to the coach for the trip back to the hostel. All in all it was a good tour but all killer-no filler it certainly was not. The Zoo and the aquarium were excellent the middle portion could do with a bit more work.So our trips out of the way all that was left was to organise our flights and hire car. We had another night in the quality establishment downstairs and got up bright eyed and bushy tailed for our trip to Sydney. We had managed to change our flight to Sydney to go from Sydney to Perth with not too much difficulty and we found a place that would allow us to pick up a car and leave it in Sydney so I picked up a nice little Suzuki hereby referred to as Suzy Suzuki. We packed the bags into the boot and got on our merry way. Now we had a look at a map obviously and we knew we had to head south and it was one big straight road
11-One man and his dog.....and sheep
. There was about 1000 or so kilometres to drive so we wanted to head of nice and early. Now Suzy was an automatic which had it's own problems, like getting out of the car park in one piece. Once I got the hang of it though it was all good but the brakes were as tight as a badgers arse and one sharp tap was enough to send you through the windscreen. We found the road to Sydney right enough and there was little to tell about the first few hours of the journey. Around a place called Surfers Paradise we had gotten a bit pissed off with losing the radio station every 30 minutes and our bellies were rumbling like Ali vs. Foreman so we stopped for some CD's and a bite to eat. The place was like something out of an American soap. It had a kind of O.C. feel to it. It was a small town but had shops full of Armani and Gucci. We picked up our CD's and a subway and headed back to the car. When I got there I had gotten a fine for parking illegally. Apparently just pulling into the space isn't good enough for the rich folk. No I got a $80 fine because I didn't park with my rear to the kerb at a 60 degree angle. Ever so slightly miffed we headed on only to realise 2 albums and 90 minutes down the road that they had neglected to put the disk into one of the cases. So back we went to ripoffsville. I slowed down just enough for Fiona to commando roll from the car and as I refused to park I did a couple of circuits of the main street shouting random obscenities until Fi came out of the shop and dived Duke of Hazard style into the window and we got the hell out of there
12-Oh man...Total gridlock
. Again not much happened for the next few hours. I had great fun barrelling along the highway but when it came to overtaking there was a slight problem. I don't know if any of you have driven an automatic but there is not as much control over the acceleration cos there's no clutch so what I had to do was prepare to overtake, but the pedal to the metal and then wait a second or two before it kicked in sufficiently to actually move the car. So we pottered on our way down the road taking in the scenery, trees, trucks, endless miles and miles of road, the splattered remains of several dead animals, you know all the good stuff. The fact that we had to continuously play the same 3 cd's over and over and over didn't help the situation. We passed several motels but it was too early to stop as we had a lot of ground to cover so as it was getting late we passed a motel and I said we'll stop at the next one. Which we did. 3 long, long, loooooooong hours later!! So we finally came across this Bates Hotel looking mother trucker. Fi was a bit apprehensive about staying there in case a serial killer got her, which looking at the place seemed likely, but I had just driven for 8 hours so I over ruled her. We went inside and I swear it was just how a horror movie starts. Young, attractive, horny couple desperate for a place to stay rock up to the counter where the sweaty slob behind the counter checks out the young ladies rack while handing over the keys
13-Is it my go yet!!!
. Then we park in front of this seedy paint peeling door where we go inside and are horribly mutilated by some guy in fishnets and a mickey mouse mask. Thankfully the reality was a bit more mundane than that. Fi did her customary scout to make sure nobody is in there waiting to kill us while I was more worried about stains......if you know what I mean! We were able to get some food across the road and I was able to get some much needed kip.We headed on our merry way the next morning refreshed and still in possession of all of our limbs. We finally arrived in Sydney in plenty of time to return the car however that wasn't the end of our drama's, not on your Nellie!!. We found the hostel with no issues and unloaded our bags only to be told that we weren't actually booked into that hostel as we should have been so the kids went back into the boot and we went around the corner to another hostel. One we got there we unpacked and got ready to drop back the car. We were looking for 101 Elizabeth street and could find 104 and 102 with no difficulties but we couldn't for the life of us find 101. We went up and down the road so many times we must have left furrows in the street. We went around in more circles than a one armed rower and we had to give up and call the place and let them know we would drop it off in the morning. We found out the next morning that one whole side of the road was a park and 101 was up at the other end of it so we found it handily enough then. So we had finally arrived in Sydney. Brisbane was great but we were very broke and we needed a job plus we knew some lads down in Sydney so it was probably best that we left. The beer was pretty good though we were to find out that neither Castlemaine XXXX nor Fosters is readily available in Oz with them more than happy to sell it for a fistful of Fosters dollars in student bars in Ireland. The weather was amazing and the fun was just about to begin.
Yeah baby!!
