Willingness
Trip Start
Aug 08, 2008
1
3
17
Trip End
Ongoing
Tucson,
Arizona,
United States
Friday, August 8, 2008
onto a Greyhound bus
Take a little blue pill
and forget about us
...
By the time I get to Phoenix,
I won't know your name.
Those soft green eyes...
...So sings Tim McGraw anyways.
I'm off to Phoenix in a few hours and I don't actually know what else to write. I'm in definite "survival mode"- woke up at 4:30am this morning and had to force some crackers into my reluctant stomach. I'm overwhelmed and as a consequence, my body, mind, and emotions don't know quite what to do with themselves. I realize it's kind of a moot point- they'll do what they'll do and force me to take one moment at a time... and that is part of the beauty of travel for me. I expect that time and distance will clarify things, and am looking forward to the 60 hours of bus and train rides ahead of me.
A few days ago, back when I could actually feel and think, I was writing a lot in my journal about how life pretty much boils down to willingness. I was amazed and grateful at the way everything seem to be falling into perfect position for my trip, like God was laying down a cosmic path for me, straight to Mexico. I know that's all still there and it is a source of comfort, especially now that the world feels way too big for me. It confuses me when people speak of courage because this has nothing to do with that, or with me even. Really, it is all just so, so easy.
I know this sort of contradicts everything I wrote a week or so ago about fighting... and yeah, all I can say is welcome to one of the central paradoxes (one of many) that is Danielle.
I've been a little obsessed with (of all things!) this Australian Nike commercial I ran across on the internet: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1sElYG7LmUU. It's basically this shows this man in the throes of an internal battle about whether to keep running or not. There's one "side" of him that is trying to get him to stop, and another that's pushing for him to keep going. When I first watched it, it was painfully familiar, and not just in terms of my running either!... that's pretty much the story of my life!
I was thinking about that commercial a lot this week. At first I felt angry about being the guy in the ad (it is, after all, a hell of a lot of work), but after a few minutes, this incredible wave of gratitude washed over me, along with the realization that I love the way I am! Like I wrote about in my last entry, I love the battle. I love feeling and thinking such a wide range of things (despite the fact that it sometimes causes me a lot of pain and drives people I love crazy). I want to take in all of life, and if it means struggle and pain, that's okay. Right now I'm both incredibly scared and incredibly excited, and the depth of my feelings (both of them! all of them!) is a blessing. I have faith that, like the runner in the ad, I'll keep moving forward.
That's all I'm doing now- willingness- and it's beautiful.
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