Today's truth about why

Trip Start Aug 08, 2008
1
2
17
Trip End Ongoing


Loading Map
Map your own trip!
Map Options
Show trip route
Hide lines
shadow

Flag of United States  , Arizona,
Saturday, August 2, 2008

I leave Tucson in a week and feel very ready.  Over the past several days a lot of my energy has been spent trying to tying up annoying, relatively trivial "loose ends"- registering with the State Department, securing travel insurance, registering to vote abroad, figuring out what to do with my cell phone contract... not necessarily the epitome of adventure and spontaneity.    Shopping/packing and trip research have also been a drag.  I know that don't need to buy, bring, or plan anything special (in fact, my mantra is "less is better"), but I end up using research and preparation as an outlet for anxiety and stress.  The danger is that it can get out of control very quickly and develop into an obsession.  I'm ready to be done with it and get out on the road already; this trip needs to hurry up and save me from myself.
 
I've also experienced a bit of a paradigm shift this past week.  For many months now I've thought tons about growth and self-exploration.  (Not a bad thing in and of itself, but this too can be an obsession.  Also, wanting something so badly almost always ends up pushing it farther away.)  Last time I wrote, I talked about really wanting this to be about raw truth and finding myself, but also about how I'm secretly worried these living up to these lofty ideals might not be the true intention behind the trip.  I feel a lot of pressure from friends, co-workers, family, and myself (especially myself!) to leave "for the right reasons," whatever the hell that means.  The unspoken message seems to be "if you're giving this up, you damn well better be sure" so I find myself "spinning" my Mexico trip. I've spoken about it as everything from a quest for happiness to a wise career move.  All this talk has been for other people though.  How can I know what it will be?  Trying to predict that is even more pointless than planning and packing.
 
Because I'm tired of trying to pretend I'm so damn enlightened, here's the truth:
 
I've been lusting for a fight for a long, long time, and Mexico is going to give it to me.  Something about traveling feeds my soul, if for no other reason than the excuse to act stupid, stand out, and be dirty.  I'm going to enjoy having the vocabulary of a two-year old and being (or pretending to be) culturally ignorant.  I want to have fun and be selfish and lazy.  I want to be able to choose when to be alone.  I want to survive, but only if it means a hard, painful struggle.  And as much as I deny it, part of this IS trying to re-live the past.  Some of my very favorite things about Tanzania were throwing trash out of bus windows and shoving people out of my way to get a seat, and while these things (even writing about them) aren't going to make me popular or understood, but it doesn't matter because they make me feel alive. ...and that's what I'm really after right now- an affirmation of life.  Knock down, drag out, hard and wonderful, this-moment-is-all-we-have, Life.
 
Maybe I'm looking in all the wrong places, for all the wrong things, for all the wrong reasons, but I don't care.  So what if it's a mistake?  So what if it's un-understandable?  So what if people think I'm a horrible, confused person or a fraud?  I'm going.  Viva Mexico.
Print this entry Tucson hotels