A month
Trip Start
Aug 08, 2008
1
17
Trip End
Ongoing
Tucson,
Arizona,
United States
Sunday, July 13, 2008
I haven't actually decided if I'm going to keep up blog and send it out to anyone; I started it tonight on impulse. I liked having my Tanzania travelpod, but remember that it was sometimes difficult knowing how much to include, how honest to be, etc. Walking that line grew old fast, so I've promised myself that if I do this, it'll have to be raw, which is exciting but also scary. Also, I've started keeping a personal journal since being back stateside, so navigating what goes online and what goes in there could be difficult. I like to write though, never have a shortage of things to say, and would like to put some effort into staying connected to everyone
My route
. In that spirit, here's some stuff that came out when I sat down to write tonight: (please keep in mind that it won't always be this kind of heart-on-my-sleeve stuff. Once I get across the border, I suspect this blog will be much more of a narrative.)----------------------------
It's less than a month now until I officially begin this journey. Here's some of what I'm feeling:
-Extreme confidence bordering on cockiness- a by-product of my prior adventures. "If I can do Siberia in winter, what's Mexico?" I know that statements like that are incredibly naive, but I'd like to think of them as expressions of my trust in the universe. I'll be taken care of- no doubt about it- and knowing that feels good.
-Confusion centered around people's reactions to my plans (or, more accurately, my lack of plans). A lot of people are really scared for me- something I wasn't entirely prepared for... something which makes me feel loved in a weird way, but also induces guilt. There are the typical "you're crazy"s (which are often go unspoken but are still perceived) and the "I could never do what you're doing"s. I've gotten those for years now and have, for the most part, come to know them for the BS they are. Harder to deal with are the people that seem angry with me or jealous. Balancing them out, are people who seem genuinely happy for me. It's a little overwhelming being asked to explain this very unexplainable thing over and over ("you're doing what?!"), and never knowing how people will react. So far, the most comforting things someone has told me is "it doesn't matter if you go to Mexico or not."
-The slow stripping away of my identity. The prospect of walking out into the world naked is what keeps me moving towards Mexico. Who am I? Mexico- removal from my friends, family, job, country, language, culture- is an attempt to force an answer. Not to say that it's easy though. It's scary and sometimes painful. My nieces are sleeping a few feet away from me as I type this, and I just got back from a dinner party with people from work; my life, the way it is now, is beautiful and full. Looking at my blessings knowing that I'll be walking away from them in a few weeks is hard, but seeing them from this prospective is a blessing in and of itself. Letting go- even the anticipation of it- feels so damn good.
-Doubts about my intentions. Unfortunately, my confidence only extends as far as my physical safety (I know I'll find a place to sleep, good people to talk to, food to eat, etc.), which, ironically, is what everyone who's scared for me seems to be the most worried about. Outside of knowing I'll be able to meet my basic needs, I'm a wreck. I constantly think about why I'm doing this. My biggest fear: this trip is nothing more than running away, or an attempt to prove something to somebody.
-Emotionally fragile. It was a long time before I let myself feel anything whatsoever after Tanzania. The last time I traveled (Mongolia) it was more about being alone and completely detached than anything else. I want Mexico to be the opposite of that, but barely feel recovered from the old wounds. Am I really willing to open myself up to the possibility of Mexico breaking my heart the way Africa did? I'm not sure.
Basically it boils down to an intoxicating mix of excitement and fear, and the fact that, in less than a month, I'm going to Mexico. Despite it all, it feels right.
This is a private blog 
