Cum See My Test Tube

Trip Start Apr 01, 1979
Trip End Ongoing

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Flag of Germany  ,
Monday, December 26, 2005

My Traveling Companion (MTC) from previous entries on my Germany trip has decided to write a bit of a tale as well. Here it is, recounting some portions of our trip. Feel free to let me know how much better of a writer MTC is than me. Anyway, read on, I think you'll enjoy:

The burning question I think all of us have had or will have sometime in the course of our lives is: Where can I get a half-liter of wine in a giant test tube?

I actually didn't get the chance to ask that question before it was answered for me. Thinking about it now, though, I'd probably come up with the following answers:

1. Winery;
2. Chemistry or other such science lab (probably food related), or
3. Reenactment of a scene from Revenge of the Nerds (though if my memory serves me, I don't recall that there was such a scene - oh well, you get the idea. I imagine Poindexter concocting it and serving it to the group, but then again, I also see Wormser in that role...well, whatever).

None of these is right. The answer is in a quaint (hmm... that's probably a stretch), local football-loyal (and therefore themed) restaurant in Lambrecht, Germany.

Our young garage band looking waiter gave us a bit of a strange look when we ordered the half-liter and even asked us "each?" to which we replied, "no, one will do," imagining the carafe and two glasses that would show up with our meal. Instead a test tube filled to the .5L mark was placed gingerly upon the table and the waiter disappeared. We got some strange looks from others in the restaurant, but hey, what exactly did we do wrong?

In the end we requested glasses, which eventually showed up (complete with .25L mark on the side - we didn't exactly each get that much since I'd guess about half of the wine ended up on the table as we tried to pour it out of the non-spouted test tube).

That was just the middle of the fun encounters my traveling companion and I had with Germans. Though my ancestry is German (and by that I mean my grandparents, great aunts and uncles, etc.), I had no idea they had so much fun with their food and drink. I guess by the time I knew 'my' Germans, they were all gumming their food.

Anyway, on to some other German food and drink experiences...

In the days leading up to the test tube, we had found a couple of bakeries from which we alternated getting breakfast. These breakfasts consisted of such items as croissant and mandelplunder (a delicious pastry despite the fact that it sounds like the name of a big German guy who waits around corners for unsuspecting passers by only to bash them in the head with a sledgehammer). The pastry sellers and patrons in both venues treated us to the utmost German hospitality (?). In one bakery, we left with a gift - 5lb. hunk of bread - in the other, the 5 or so other customers all chimed in with a collective "tschuss" when we left.

Despite this, my traveling companion (the owner of this travel blog) insisted on referring to our gift-giving baker as a 'dirty whore'. Yes, her hands may have been a bit soiled from baking, and yes, we did see her dust off her knees and wipe her mouth as she came out from the back along with two truckers passing through town, but hey, I still think that's harsh. She gave us bread!

The only bad part about these breakfasts is that the coffee was complete shit. Now, we may have been in the wrong places, but every cup of coffee, whether from the bakery, a restaurant or café, was total crap. I didn't learn if Germany is known to have bad coffee, but when I go back, I'm sticking to beer or wine.

Our German food experiences only got better from there.

The next foray was into an exciting venue called "The Lifestyle Pub." Yeah, what you think it sounds like... that's what it is. We (and I'll use that term loosely here) decided to go there so we could see what this German lifestyle was all about. The entrance had a somewhat abstract - hmmm, what shall I call it? - booby painting and the inside had other paintings of various body parts all scantily- or un-clad. As it turned out, the food was not too bad (though we have some suspicion that it really was made "with love," which makes me cringe when I think about it, but I guess we all have eaten some nastiness while dining out).

We were the only people in there save a few skeezy looking men at the bar, our waiter and his friend. After our food and a beer or two (no coffee please!) we asked our waiter for a picture (of us... though I can't imagine what he would have given us had we not specified that) and headed home. We considered going back on perhaps a more lively night, but thought better of it in the end.

In any case, despite the fact that it might seem like I made a list of unsavory dining experiences, the food was generally quite good. I ate a lot of schnitzel (yes, pork schnitzel for all of you naïve Jews who think that schnitzel comes only in lamb or chicken - though I suspect none of you is actually reading this or ever will), which was always delicious and also enjoyed my fair share of various wursts.

In the end I would say yes, I will return to Germany, eat her food and drink her beer and wine. I can only hope that by the time I return, chemistry-themed dining will have become somewhat of a fad and I will be able to pluck my wursts, scoop my sauerkraut and sip my wine all from one giant test tube. That would be awesome.
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