Mmmmm, Tastes Like German Choco-nuts

Trip Start Apr 01, 1979
Trip End Ongoing

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Flag of Germany  ,
Sunday, December 25, 2005

My trip to Germany was good, albeit shorter than I would like. (My ideal vacation length, which I've just now reasoned out, is 7 years. Here me out, okay? Have you ever been on a vacation that you thought was too long? Most of us have. Well my idea is that this is something that one has to push through to get back to having fun again. For instance, next time you're on a vacation that is running too long, say a two week stay at the log cabin up by the lake, decide to stay an additional two weeks. Once that is over decide to stay an additional month, thereby consistently doubling your time until you've been there 7 years. At that point, return home. Trust me, you'll be refreshed!) Even if I could probably draw out every little interaction into a 40 page novella, which would be great I'm sure, I'll just sum up the rest of the vacation with this little effort here. You can always email me if you want to know more. Or you can just email me to tell me how much of an idiot I am and how I've ruined your life. I'll probably reply to tell you to get in line because I've ruined A LOT of lives. Anyway...

- The Christmas Markets
When I first told my mom that I would be visiting Germany for a few days, she replied immediately in her perfect Mom voice, "Oh! Daniel you must visit the Christmas Markets! They are so lovely! Oh yippee!" I said, "Mother, did you know that my traveling companion (MTC) is not of the Christian faith?" "Daniel," she replied indignantly, "No I did not know that, but always remember that Christmas is a merry and blessed holiday, and if your little whore of a friend wants to rot in eternal hell fire, well then that's her business, but MY SON WILL NOT BE GOING TO HELL!!!" Okay, I'll admit I'm paraphrasing this conversation just a tiny bit, but nevertheless, she did recommend the Christmas Markets and so we went. Overall, save a taste of spiced wine here and there, they were pretty lame. I did though manage to visit three that I remember: Heidelberg, Speyer and Mannheim. Each was wasteful, but a slice of culture is always nice. And the food was fat-o-licious! I love fat. I love food.

- Warming Booby Oil
I know that it's somewhat redundant for me to say that some dumb American tourists (in this case MTC and I) went into a foreign dirty store and saw something shocking that they goofy laughed about for weeks on end. But that's what happened people. The porn and the giant dildos didn't do it for me, but sitting in the front display window was the magical box labeled, "Warming Booby Oil: Variety Pack." That, to me, is worth the price of admission. Needless to say, we only browsed.

- Things We Saw and Didn't Do
Luckily MTC and I share a philosophy on travel that is incredibly bizarre when you break it down. We refuse to go into any place that charges an entrance fee. Funny when you think about it since we spend hundreds of dollars flying across and ocean only to get there and be too cheap to pay the 5 Euro fee to see some of the world's finest art work or whatever. So we saw and didn't do a lot, and decided that since we didn't actually visit we should take a picture at each of these places... just to not remember them by I guess.

- Holiday Inn Christmas
When I was a kid, on Christmas day after ripping open all of my crappy gifts (I mean really, a G.I. Joe tent! Okay, honestly, I loved that tent. I know that now. And knowing is half the battle.) my family always went to Holiday Inn to eat lunch. It was usually some kind of big, crazy buffet, and a fat kid like me was in heaven. There is still a picture of me and my sister at Holiday Inn on some random Christmas floating around my mom's house. We both look like giant floating pontoons. Good gravy we were fat! Anyway, so I saw this Holiday Inn near the village where we were staying. Out front was a sign for Sonntag Brunch or something like, and I went in and got the absolute last reservation for Christmas brunch (on a Sunday in 2005). But man did that crap suck! It was some sort of weird fish brunch, and considering we were deep in the heart of Germany, far removed from any ocean, I doubt anything was even remotely fresh. The place smelled like a cross between a sardine can and the inside of my grandfather's garden shoes. Filthy! Plus, the brochure promised a lobster, also known as a hummer in German. While I may have been excited for the wrong reasons, I mean everyone knows what hummer means in English (ba-da-boom!), I got neither the lobster nor the blowjob. And people, that blows!

So this was my first lengthy trip to Germany in 15 years, and I have to say things were a little different. First of all, I was no longer the stupid kid who couldn't say two words of German correctly. Rather I am now the stupid man who can't say two words of German correctly. But the biggest difference between that Germany and this Germany is that I'm older and I can drink. I tell you what people, I love to drink, and Germans love to drink, and the beer there is the best in the world. I'll still admit that my very favorite beer is Belgian, but German beer is so consistently good in so many different iterations that, good golly peeps, I love it. While I was there I hardly ever drank water, preferring the beer option, yet I never once got drunk. Rather I stayed in a complete prune-like state of dehydration, totally mellow, and having a great time. I could wax poetically on the state of the German nation in the EU, but I know you probably care about that less than I do. So I will say this, I love Germany. I love the food, drink, people, sites, activities, weather, and soccer. So thank you Germany... thank you so very, very much!
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