Thanks-(for nothing)-giving

Trip Start Apr 01, 1979
Trip End Ongoing

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Flag of United States  , Florida
Thursday, November 24, 2005

My recap of my T-giving. I hope you're offended. I was, and it was me who offended me.

Thanksgiving was interesting to say the least. Let me tell the story... So my Great Aunt always throws the big parties with all these really old rich people for T-giving. Anyway, I have to dress up in a jacket and tie and of course I forgot to bring shoes so I'm wearing my tennis shoes with my fancy suit. Of course by fancy suite, I just mean the one I bought off the rack at Sears. That used to count as fancy back in the day, at least in the South. And since I'm from the South it's okay, right? (Speaking of Sears, when I was a kid I went there with my mom to buy pants. I was a little big so we had to shop in the husky section. That really makes a kid feel good.) So anyway, before dinner we have cocktails (always bloody marys) and I have a few. I hate bloody marys, but then again it's free booze. If someone asked me how it tastes, I think I'd answer it tastes free. And that's darn good.

Then dinner comes around and I started drinking Yellow Tail Shiraz Cabernet, which is great. And I keep drinking and drinking and drinking. And before you know it I finished a bottle of it by myself. And then these rich old people started talking all republican-like and I get saucy. This guy starts yapping about intelligent design and I say, "I know another term for intelligent design." He's asks what. I blurt out, "hocus pocus!" Then he says what came before the big bang if there isn't a god. And I said the big boom came before the big bang. Anyway, this guy is like 90. So finally it gets broken up and we start to leave. (In another version of the story, which incidentally is an untrue version, I get up on the table and begin to pee on his toupee. I then start screeching out, "where is your god now old man?! Luckily that version is fake. Lucky for him that is.)

Later, my aunt asks me to carry this huge flower vase back up to her apartment, and I take 3 steps and the flowers just jumped right out of the vase onto the floor. I don't know what happened, but they absolutely defied all laws of physics and were soon in a heap on the carpet. I was trying to shove them back in and nothing was working, they just kept jumping back out of the vase. By the time it made it to her apt they were all messed up and broken. She was like, what happened? I said "intelligent design". I then walked off, lay on a bed in my suit, tie and tennis shoes and went to sleep for 3 hours. It was great!
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