Smart Phone Usage Linked to Mental Infertility

Trip Start Nov 08, 2006
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Flag of Thailand  ,
Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Entertaining myself in BKK. My homage to The Onion.

Smart Phone Usage Linked to Mental Infertility

New research has linked cell phone usage to a massive increase in infertility in both the male and female populations. However, this is not impacting traditional procreation, which remains high due to inoculations of tequila and chasers of unemployment-induced low self-esteem. Instead, it is believed radiation from smart phones and tablets is limiting the ability to give birth to new thoughts.

"What we're seeing here is a rapid decrease in cognitive function," says neurologist David Hinklemeierheimen. “What most people don’t realize is that neurons are quite similar to sperm in regards to motility, and when they lose the ability to move rapidly or in the correct direction, there is a sharp decrease in the conception of ideas, particularly viable and well-developed ones. Consequently, there is a massive increase in the number of people who simply cannot 'think.’”

Researchers also suspect that phone radiation is most easily absorbed through the fingertips, which is why the exploding popularity of texting and smart phone usage has accelerated the process of mental degradation, dramatically impacting the ability to properly develop nascent thoughts.

According to Dr. Hinklemeierheimen, “Early signs of mental infertility include poor spelling, the inability to distinguish between ‘your’ and ‘you’re,’ and the almost complete abandonment of punctuation. But soon, it’s not only an issue of output, but a total degeneration of both communication and cognition.”

This is particularly worrisome now because longer exposure also leads to greater severity of symptoms, which is why 19-year-old girls seem especially susceptible.

“Only a decade ago, young girls didn’t get their first phones until they were in their early teens, but now we’re seeing spot usage as early as 8 or 9 years old. Doctors have had patients experiencing a full flow of data before they’re even in junior high. It’s quite a mess.”

Dr. Hinklemeierheimen goes on, “Even worse, tests have shown while there are seeds of ideas in the mental menses, they’re so underdeveloped that they hold essentially no value. So what we’re seeing are essentially mental miscarriages.”

Of course, the epidemic is not unique to women. Men of all ages are firing cerebral blanks, evident by the existence of Jersey Shore and any moniker beginning with the word “The.” And even when thoughts are formed, they’re relatively weak. One young man admitted, “I haven’t had a good hard thought in months. At this point, I’ve pretty much given up.”

So the results are obvious throughout the population. Just as troubling is that consumption of this “information” may also be to blame. The ability to constantly read inane twits, updates, and extensive descriptions of what kinds of muffins casual acquaintances are eating at any given moment also exacerbates the phenomenon. A quick glance at social networking sites clearly exposes the extent of the problem. As historian Debra Zinnvonnegutadams laments, “It’s like those million monkeys really are banging away at keyboards in the hopes of writing the complete works of Shakespeare. Unfortunately, thus far, it reads more like Polly Shore writing Twilight fan fiction.”

Consequently, the world is experiencing a pitiful level of discourse not seen since the Dark Ages, when scraps of parchment were known to read, “IC U got tha plague again, your sooooooo ded. :P” and “ur mamas so fat, but nuthin is revolving round her cuz the earth is the center of the universe.”

Regrettably, pharmaceuticals have little to no efficacy in preventing or reversing this terrifying pandemic. However, several homeopathic solutions have shown exceptional promise. Paper, for example, seems to absorb a great deal of the excess radiation, so reading books has been proven to mitigate damage. Coffee shops, libraries, and parks have also been shown to positively impact test subjects, perhaps entirely removing the need for expensive medicinal solutions. Even more comforting is the fact that thoughts lasting more than four hours…pose no threat whatsoever.

Special Reporting by Dane Phillips
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