The Perfect Date with ME!
Trip Start Sep 20, 2007
150Trip End May 16, 2008
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He thinks of everything down to the last details.
It was date night so I did what I do on date night. Dress up. Shave, Shower, cologne, hair gel to spike my hair. I'm a cool dude, just like Kokopelli. I brought some dress cloths on the Journey but hadn't worn any of it yet. It was a country concert so I had thought of wearing western wear, but I changed my mind. Black dress pants, Black dress shirt that I bought in Rome, tie I bought in New Orleans with a saxophone on it, dress watch. I was wearing my Suunto watch but the cuffs on this shirt are quite narrow so I switched to my Seiko dress watch. I hadn't worn it at all through the trip.
First stop. Dinner at Fleur de Lys, the French Restaurant in Mandalay Bay where the beautiful hostess had helped me out earlier. I ask to sit in the lounge and one of the hostesses leads me in that direction. I notice the tables are all quite low, not the supper eating kind. I say that I'll sit in the restaurant. The hostess directs me to the last table for two along the main wall. I notice that this table has only one place setting. The five tables prior had been set up for two. The table just past me is a booth set up for five. It's just after six and the restaurant is mostly empty. It slowly starts filling up.
I order my Filet Mignon and a glass of wine. This place is ritzy. Reminds me of the restaurant in the movie No Reservation. I'm not too sure who's my server as it seems like they all are coming to my table. A salmon sampler in a saffron sauce is offered to the patrons, compliments of the Chef. In the movie No Reservation, the Chef is renowned for her saffron sauce. I have plenty of time to observe what's going on around me. I'm enjoying taking it all in. By the time the restaurant is full I see what's going on here.
I've noticed pretty well every form of relationship. The booth next to me that was set up for five has four people. A male/female couple and a gay male couple. Sitting at the five table for two are a father and his young daughter, a newly married couple (I overheard the woman asking a waiter what was included in the wedding package), a young couple, an empty table, and an another couple. There was the table for six, three older couples, males sitting on one side of the table, women on the other. A couple of tables where there was an older man with two beautiful young women. The couple who didn't fit in, this was way too classy for who it looked like they were. Earlier I had noticed a couple walk by towards the back of the restaurant and I couldn't see them anymore, the woman was dressed quite provocatively, I would guess an escort. There was a table with three woman and a man. The table with four older women. The mixed race couple table. The female friends out for the night.
As I'm eating I'm slowly coming to this realization, but notice that there is no older couple, but then I see them at the tables for two which was empty earlier. I've seen the father and daughter, but where are the parents and son? Then I see them. Something else I noticed was that, to me, everybody had their chairs, as much as possible, pointing in my direction. To my right, at the circular tables where there was only two people sitting, the largest empty space was towards me. To the left, it was the same. At the booth for five next to me, when they needed only four chairs, they removed the fifth that was closest to me.
So I'm either conjecturing that the tables were purposely set up to make me the "center of attention", for whatever reason, or that basic restaurant design ensures that the tables are set up for the ease of use by the servers. To the left behind the booth was the kitchen and service area.
I check my watch at some point in time during supper and it's not working. The battery is dead. I haven't worn this watch in a long time. I think of asking one of the servers for the time, but I decide against it. I won't be late for the concert.
Ah yes. What form of relationship am I missing? The single person. Well , that was me. The extremely funny thing? Across the room from me were a couple of large round mirrors on the wall. The one exactly opposite me reflected me perfectly. I could see me perfectly. There were no individuals sitting at any of the tables between me and the far wall that reflected in this mirror. I was out on a date with me!
There's another couple I haven't mentioned yet. An Asian couple a few years older than me are sitting at a table not too far away. The guy looks very familiar. The woman is facing me. I only see the guy by profile. I would swear that he is my boss. Not my direct report, but the one in charge of our area. I never had to deal with him face to face much. The one with whom I've been reporting on my condition since I left work last May. In January he sent me an email to ask how I was doing. At that time I wasn't doing very well and that's what I told him.
I know when I get to Calgary I have to make a decision. Either I return to work or put all my faith in What? Is!
This evening has been staged. I've been set-up by What? Is!
I leave the restaurant and the crowds are moving towards the arena for the concert. I have plenty of time and find my seat as the arena is still quite empty. My seat is the third one in. The stage is quite unique. The main stage is on the left from where I'm sitting. Directly in front of me is a backwards "E" with the middle part longer and attached to the main stage. The top and bottom of the "E" are shorter so that some fans can be inside the "E". At the other end of the arena is a raised circular stage. Up by the rafters is a bridge that I'm assuming will be lowered and allow the band to move back and forth from the main stage to the circular stage.
The opening act is Kellie Pickler. She's young, hot, sexy, has all the right curves in the right places and knows how to use them and show them off. She was on American Idol in 2006 and was kicked off in the final 6. She has a rags to riches fairy tale story. You can read all about it on her website www.kelliepickler.com/site.php (select the about link). The summary is that her mother abandoned her when she was 2, her father was an alcoholic and in and out of jail all her life. Her grand-parents raised her. Her grand-mother died when she was 18, the year before she was on American Idol.
During the show she sang for the first time in front of an audience a song from her new album, titled, "I Just Want Someone to Love". A song she wrote after laying in bed one night and crying herself to sleep from being alone. I don't know how a woman this beautiful can be alone, as I figure, every, non-gay guy in the world would want to be with her. I know I did. She's gorgeous, funny, and caring. She believes in God and even though her career is starting to skyrocket she finds the time for philanthropy. Throughout the show I found that she was doing this for the crowd, not her.
This is what she had to say about her rise to fame, "What I've learned the last year is that no dream is too big. You can let things bring you down or you can use them to make you stronger. I used everything that happened to me as fuel to get me where I am today. You can't give up on your dreams 'cause sometimes, that's all you have. You should always give yourself the benefit of the doubt."
Her presentation over it was time to set up the stage for the main act, Rascal Flats. To the left of me were two couples. This heavier guy was sitting next to me. The seats are quite close together. He's not very talkative. Actually he hasn't said anything to me. To my right are a couple. They sat down after Kellie started her show. The woman is sitting next to me. At the break we start talking. This concert is a milestone birthday present. They've driven a few hours from a small town in southern Utah, a name I haven't heard. They have three kids, the oldest is thirteen. When she mentions milestone birthday, I say 30 and she says to her husband that she likes this guy. She's 40. She doesn't look anywhere close to 40.
When I try and pinpoint where she lives, as I will be heading that way over the next few days, she mentions St. George. I've seen that name on a map when trying to map out my stops on the way home. George is the name of Andrea's baby that was born on December 25.
The stage is all set up and Rascal Flats comes out. The crowd goes wild. They've added a riser at the back of the stage that comes up another 8 feet or so. At this level the band is about the same level I'm at. The stage flashes various colours. One of the first songs played is "My Wish" . Then the light bulb comes on. I'm here because of my blog entry where I posted this song.
Rascal Flats has a similar, live the dream story. As is written on their website www.rascalflatts.com/site.php?content=biography "They remain in awe of the success they have earned through the years. "We dreamed some big dreams," says Joe Don. "We were looking for the rocket ride. But I don't think we ever dreamed the things that have happened to us. Everybody in the industry sees the same charts and sales figures every week, and for us to see our names at the top of those lists gives you a whole different perspective. It's gratifying and it's humbling." "We just want to make the best music we can," adds Jay, "and I think we've been surprised ourselves with how much the fans have loved what we've done. It's incredible how much we've been blessed." For Gary, the bottom line is consistent and easy to understand. "We've worked really hard from day one," he says, "and we know who employs us. It's the fans, and we've tried to give back to them musically what they've given us. We love them like they love us."
It seems like every song has been written just for me and that I've experienced and written about their songs throughout my Journey. They have a song titled, Backwards, about what you get when you play a country song backwards, I wrote a blog entry backwards. Another song is titled, Bless the Broken Road, that rings true to my life, and the final song of their set, prior to the encore, was "He Ain't the Leaving Kind". It partially goes like this...
He ain't the leavin' kind
He'd never walk away
Even from those who don't believe
And wanna leave him behind
He ain't the leavin' kind
No matter what you do
No matter where you go he's
Always right there
As this song is playing a scene is projected on the stage backdrop. The scene is a stained glass window with a cross. During the song these Marines march onto the stage and the crowd goes wild. There seems to be a movement going on where our Troops are being constantly recognized for their sacrifices.
During the show they moved part of the band to the circular stage at the back of the arena. The people in these seats are usually forgotten during shows. This band is different. Everything is about the fans. The band acknowledged their appreciation for the fans even after 8 years of success that seems to continue to grow. They are What? Is! band. His message is written in all their songs and how they achieved what they have.
During the show various people would bring their young child close to the stage so that their kid could touch a band member or get something signed. At one point a young girl of 7 or 8 came up. As she was going to walk away a security guard took her and lifted her onto the stage. As the band sang the song the lead vocal grabbed the little girls hand and walked across the stage, then they walked arm in arm. The singer made the little girl wave at the crowd. I can't remember the song but it seemed that the words were being portrayed in what was happening on stage. If I hadn't seen the mother in the crowd crying from the sheer joy of seeing her daughter on stage I would have said that this was a set-up.
At the break I had seen this group of people taking a group photo shot right in front of me. One of the young woman was pregnant. During the show I notice that she's in the front row. After the show as I'm exiting this same young woman hands a purse to one of the guys in the group. The way it was done was almost like she was handing it to me. Some comments were made between them and me about that.
The two couples next to me were quite annoying. One woman wouldn't shut up. They were constantly leaving and coming back with drinks. They would stand up and block the view of the people behind them, whom I had heard say before the show something about not standing up.
I don't know what else to write here as the whole evening was surreal. I could write pages and pages of what I saw and I don't know what is a sign and what is coincident. It was like my Journey is coming to an end and everything I have written had to be summarized in this evening. My life flashing before my eyes in fast forward.
I haven't heard back from Hannah. Which, as I see now is not surprising. All my important messages have been provided to me by Angels. All these important Angels are also those that I have given my card to or have communicated with in some way. Once their message is complete they disappear, never to be heard from again. There is no female saviour about to be born, a giant joke by What? Is! where I was the butt of it. String me along for a while with all these signs then say, HA HA, Got Ya!
When I started writing this I read the lyrics to one of Rascal Flats songs, I can't remember which one now, and I started crying. And I cried out, "I BELIEVE, but I don't know what you want from me!" There are signs everywhere and then there are none. Some are and some are not. How do you know which are and which aren't? They exist. I know that for a fact. I've proved that in what I've written. I don't know if I'm suppose to write a book or make a movie. What's real and what am I imagining?
I feel like a guinea pig. Document in a live version play by play what Rascal Flats, Kellie Pickler, Walt Disney, Elvis, Don Garlits, Milton Hershey, Mother Angelica, and all the rest of the people I've written about have done with their dreams, their prayers, their faith in their ability to succeed and be and have what they want.
I chatted with Nick again and indicated some of these things. The kids seem to log on and we chat as though it's pre-planned. Part of a script. Life that we know is already written. But people argue that we have control over our lives. That's the contradiction. It is, but it isn't.
I started looking for the song that I had seen earlier when I started crying. Then I found the words to:
You feel like a candle in a hurricane
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Alone and helpless
Like you've lost your fight
But you'll be alright
Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause its all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you Stand, Then you stand
Life's like a novel
With the end ripped out
The edge of a canyon
With only one way down
Take what you're given before its gone
Start holding on, keep holding on
Everytime you get up
And get back in the race
One more small piece of you
Starts to fall into place
Before I am done reading all the words I have a total melt down. I can't stop crying uncontrollably. Then the realization dawns on me. I have lived my life doing what I need to do to fulfill my dreams but I don't have any. I have the recipe, I have the ingredients, I put it all together, but I don't know what I'm making. I never wanted to be an astronaut, a fireman, or a famous singer or actor. I've never said I wanted to be a successful businessman or rich and famous. Someone will argue that none of those things are important as long as you believe in God and have faith. But you can believe in God and have faith in God all you want but if you don't know what you are aiming for then that doesn't mean anything. You can end up in a Monastery or Nunnery and pray your whole life long and you end up back where you started. Dust to dust.
We can't all live like that. God or What? Is! or whatever you call life requires each of us to fulfill their purpose by dreaming. Everything I've believed in throughout my life has come true. Good and bad. I do not believe in a God as interpreted by the Catholics, or the Jews, or the Muslims. I believe you can dream and not actually go to Church every Sunday and follow some religious dogma. If you dream, believe it and live a life of love and service to others than your dream will be fulfilled. When you forget to love others and thank others and do what made you a success for others than you will start failing, get addicted to something, lose it all, tragically die before your time.
I have spent my life doing, mostly, everything for others. I believe in my kids and they are successful, I believe, because of it. I have given countless hours of my time to various organizations volunteering. I succeed where I have told myself I am successful. I have not where I believe, either because of social mores, or my upbringing, that I should feel ashamed or not worthy.
I am perfect but some long dead guy wrote in a book a long time ago that God is the only one that is perfect. That is religious bullshit. We are what we think we are. Who's definition are we using. A perfect diamond to a gemologist is only a pretty rock to a 5 year old. If society thinks that there's something wrong with a beautiful young woman like Kellie Pickler to be in love with a 40 something guy than that affects me as I believe it is wrong for me to fall in love with someone like that. If you think it's OK than go ahead and do it. It feels right for you. If you think you want to be a rich and powerful businessman and screw everybody along the way, do it, and I believe you will suffer in some way. Do it with love and you will have success. Think of Bill Gates and all the good he is doing with his billions of dollars.
I believe everything that I have written these past 6 months were written for a reason. I Believe in a power that all that I believe in will be accomplished. I also believe that we will be given information that is incorrect to test out faith. We need to have doubts before succeeding. We all need to suffer. I believe that we live in a World where good will prevail.
Hannah wrote to me about relationships. My restaurant experience and many other things I saw at the concert confirmed all this. The purpose? I am perfectly alright with being alone, now. I got perfect tickets to two concerts, last night and at the Grand Old Opry, because of it. Everything happens twice. And a lot of things only happen once. And some things happen 3 or 4 times. It doesn't always mean something.
I am rambling and haven't the faintest idea where I am going with this anymore. I believe in me, and what I believe in, and if you don't, tough shit!
I also know that this is being written this way for a purpose. Why? Because everything I've written before has been written for a reason.
I'm going to shower and head to the Casino and win a lot of money. And if I don't, then so be it. I'm tired of trying to prove anything, guess at signs and figure what life is all about.
Figure it out for yourself. You have a brain. Use it! The information is all out there. Find it. Use it! Believe in it.