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Scuba Wrestling
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Scuba wrestling is a sport. It happens underwater. It's more fun that way. The objective is to drown one's competitor before one's air runs out. Matches are held in freezing cold water so that the loser(s) can be brought back to life without brain damage, sometimes. As the season progresses, the water becomes warmer and warmer so that more and more brain damage befalls the loser. Better ratings that way. The winnings are donated to the Jack Kustow Center for Brain Damage Resulting from Scuba Wrestling Research and Development. Jack Kustow invented scuba wrestling. Incidentally, Jack Kustow was also the first person to lose in scuba wrestling. In the early days, freezing cold water hadn't been invented to prevent brain damage. Jack Kustow didn't really invent scuba wrestling, he just thinks he did. The actual inventor is a 96 year old working girl from Lithuania, but she and everyone else agrees that it's better for Jack if he thinks he invented scuba wrestling. In reality, the Jack Kustow Center for Brain Damage Resulting from Scuba Wrestling Research and Development is just one of 127 Centers for Brain Damage Resulting from Scuba Wrestling Research and Development. They all start with a different name. Most of the research has to do with finding lost M&M's and getting hamsters to hold their breath. They're making great progress.
Sometimes there are sharks at the big scuba matches, but sharks aren't really into scuba wrestling because they think it's fake. Sharks are condescending elitists who think that just because they're evolutionary billionaires they're better than everything else. Dolphins are nicer than sharks but they don't care much for scuba wrestling either. Dolphins consider themselves to be too sophisticated for such trivial competitions and generally prefer scuba painting and scuba reading to scuba sports. Occasionally a dolphin will stop in passing to observe a match or two, but for the most part, a dolphin wouldn't be caught dead at a scuba event. If you ask a dolphin why they'll say, "Oh, it's just that growing up we were more of a scuba basketball family." and then they'll change the subject. Tuna love it, but then again, tuna love all scuba sports. Many of them watch for the commercials and the scuba cheerleaders. It's really just a distraction from their dull tuna lives, but I guess in way that's what everyone's after, who can blame them. Humans don't really watch scuba wrestling as much as they float around and ponder how strange everything is. Many fish attend scuba events just to make fun of the humans. Fish can be mean sometimes. "It's a good thing they're so damn tasty!" Jack Kustow has been known to say, but he could be talking about M&M's. It's the only thing he's said since the day he invented his fingers. He has an IQ of 19843woofsi43pskl;r394. He makes the tests. He's the best damn scuba wrestler who ever lived. Everybody says so and they're never wrong. How could they be? They all have IQs of 19843woofsi43pskl;r394.
Latest Comments (2)
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Unrelated (reply)
Oct 3, 2006 01:47 EST by cjs150
Jack Kustow is of no relation to Jacques Cousteau, and Jack does not appreciate sound alike impersonaters claiming his accomplishments as their own, but he would like to meet this mysterious grandson of his whom he can't seem to remember fathering.
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Jacques Cousteau* (reply)
Oct 1, 2006 00:33 EST by freepower
you know i heard some whispers about scuba wrestling,
sounds intense
incidentally, i attended a renewable energy convention in iowa city and they keynote speaker was jacques Cousteau's grandson.
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