Mourning, Gratitude and an Update On Life
Trip Start
Jul 07, 2008
1
17
24
Trip End
Jun 07, 2009
San Diego,
California,
United States
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Mourning:
The last few days have been tough and I've had a hard time smiling. I've got two artificial hips and have been thru numerous surgeries. One side has gone thru tremendous trauma, and has a contraption in it unlike typical artificial hips. Recently I've realized I'm in more pain then I realized. Although physical pain has been with me for all of my adult life, there are times when it is almost none existent and many other times it is quite pronounced. Of course another surgery would probably fix it (this would be my ninth) but the thought of putting myself thru surgery with Isa somewhere without me is excruciating.
So I finally decided I would apply for disability again. (I pulled myself off of it before) it was an emotional decision. As I filled out the paper work I realized because I lived off my savings and was self employed I don't have enough work credits in the last ten years to apply for disability (now able to smile as I write this). Oh the irony, all the emotional work I went thru to accept the idea of getting help only to realize help is unavailable. Looking back and knowing I could have applied for it before but at the time, wanting to stay as self sufficient as I could because I believed it was (and still believe) the right thing.
Because of my hip surgeries my insurance runs over $600. a month. (gulp). I've now accepted this is how it is, worse case scenerio is it continue to rise.
Positive steps and strategies.
1. I will check other states to see if I can get insurance anywhere that isn't in the high risk pool.
2. Move to another country.
3. Live on a very very conscious budget (excited about this, I've done it before)
4. Stay positive. The knowledge I have excellent survival skills, did you know that Safeway/Vons grocery often has a separate garbage bin in the back for just their produce? I've shopped there before and its great. Best of all...free!
My fear is with the economy as it is, my investments taking a hit there is little left to live on and my health insurance keeps spiraling upward. My sadness is my body is so fragile, I have to monitor what I do so carefully to keep my physical pain from spiraling out of control.
One More Mourning.
Okay I feel a little self conscious about all this mourning.... I mourn my loss of my home and community. We moved to Oregon to become part of a new Cohousing community. A community built around the importance of community and sustainability. I was so excited about this community particularly because it was created with NVC (non-violent communication) as one of it's guiding principals.
Eight of the units are flats, with one unit below and another unit above it. The rest of the units are town houses. Because of my disability I chose a lower flat. It has been a total nightmare. Three of the upper units have bamboo floors. The result is as the people now living in my unit so aptly put, "it is like living in a bowling alley". The noise is awful.The couple who live there wanted to buy my home but I wouldn't sell it to them without them living in it. I honestly didn't know if the problem was me being overly sensitive or if it was an actual problem. They would love to buy it but there is no dollar amount they would pay in its present state.
There is a sound team, countless hours spent researching solutions and causes but I am the one most apt to lose tens of thousands of dollars. The law allows for the builder and developer to screen themselves from being accountable.
I worked so hard to have the money to buy this home, it was my safety net for raising Isa. It was my safety net should my body get worse. It is my ever present sadness and grief.
My Gratitudes
I am finding my smile and my gratitude again today.
For my brother Christian who helped me laugh last night.
For the sound team at CoHo who understand community is about all the members in the community and have put in countless hours working on the sound issue.
My mom, when she divorced my abusive stepfather we went from middle class to very poor. I am so grateful for all the survival strategies she embodied. She had the gift of making them fun. My favorite was our Sunday night raids of Goodwill bins. At 4ft 10 inches and 95 lbs. I would lower her into the goodwill box, she would pull out clothes. We'd go thru and take what we needed and put the rest back.
Second favorite..going thru the garbage dumps and getting enough stuff to have a garage sale.
Really grateful for remembering that picking up the countless pieces of paper that Isa likes to cut is my need NOT her need. Grateful for Tiffany for that reminder. I feel so much freedom, I can once again enjoy my need for order instead of inflicting it on Isa. I love allowing her to come to it in her own space and time. Yea!
So much gratitude for my Airstream and truck... Appreciating knowing that we always have a home.
Grateful that I am able to stay present and not get lost in an abyss of fear.
Gratitude for this sweet connection with all of you..
Thank you.Renee
