The female cartoon characters world cup

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  Worldwide coverage, Ecuador
Saturday, November 3, 2007

I don't know about you, but a lot of people come up to me and ask if the 32 fittest cartoon characters in the world were put together in a world cup style competition, who would be victorious. Well up until now I've had to answer I dont know, but now I have the answer, proved scientifically and democratically. An international panel of judges were convened to study this question and characters randomly assigned to groups as no prior records were available for seeding purposes. This led to some controversial and shock exits in the first round and matches in the later parts of the tournament being full of surprises. I promised to write up the fixtures and results, so if you want to find out the full results, read on...

THE GROUP STAGES:
 
GROUP A - Betty Rubble, Daphne (Scooby Doo), Mystique (X-Men), Mrs Incredible (er The Incredibles)
Rubble proved unstoppable, beating Daphne, Mystique and Incredible on her way to topping the group. Mystique also goes throgh to the knockout stage having defeated Daphne and Incredible. Daphne manages one win over Incredible, but the Mystery Machine still has to come early to pick up the flame haired lovely.  

GROUP B - Penelope Pitstop, Olive Oil, Snow White, Judy Jetson
Hat-trick of wins for the White one with the apple fixation. Pitstops wins over Oil (in the battle of the ultra-waifs) and Jetson are enough to secure the runners up spot leaving Oil and Jetson to fight over the wooden spoon which goes to Jetson.   

GROUP C - Ariel (The Littlest Mermaid), April O-Neill (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles), Rogue (X-Men), Pocahantas
O-Neill sinks to three straight defeats, but this is definitely the Group of Death with two wins each awarded to Ariel, Rogue and Poke, even on countback of the  votes cast there is nothing to seperate the three. Votes are recast and major controversy ensues when one judges changes his vote leading to Rogue's previous defeat of Ariel being overturned. The result of this inconsistency is that the half woman, half fish tops the group with Poke securing second and Rogue slipping to third and an early bath. Arguments ensue but eventually Rogue's inability to touch a person is deemed more damaging than half your body being a fish. Go figure. 

GROUP D - Catwoman, Cheetarah (Thundercats), Princess Jasmin (Aladdin), Rapunzel (Shrek)
Easy trio of victories for the Princess with the flying carpet, the battle of the Cats is pipped by Cheetarah and she also defeats the one with the unecessarily long hair (none of the judges wanted to wait for her to dry that) who is also defeated by the Cat but one victory is not enough to save her. Its must be a tough competition when a woman dressed in tight fighting black leather with a whip can't survive the first round.  

GROUP E - Princess FIona (Shrek and before becoming an ogre), Jean Grey (X-Men), Wilma Flintstone, Marge Simpson
Three out of three for the Cameron Diaz modelled Fiona (quelle surpise) and two victories for Flintstone secures second place and a space in the last 16. Simpson defeats Grey as she is deemed more fun plus Greys ability to read your mind definitely counts against her. 

GROUP F - She-ra, Jessica Rabbit, Velma (Scooby-Doo), Wonderwoman
One of the pre-tournament favourites, Rabbit, scores full points. Although she doesnt gets things all her own way, it is a titanic struggle against She-Ra, one judge remarking that he doesnt care who wins, as long as it goes the distance. She-Ra easily vanquishes Wonder and Velma. Velma scores nil point, maybe if she had gone to Specsavers...  

GROUP G - Batgirl, Betty Boop, Beauty (and the Beast), Minnie Mouse
Beauty may only be skin deep but it proves enough for 3/3, this time a tight leather suit works and Bat goes through as runner up with wins over Boop and Mouse. Boops lack of colour and annoying voice dooms her to last place and the Mouse joins her on the early flight home.

GROUP H - Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, The Witch (the one between The Lion and The Wardrobe)
The narcoleptic one goes through on full points and is joined by Storm (ability to control the weather is deemed a big plus), Cinderella falls out at this early stage which is a big shock but she would probably never leave Prince Charming anyway. Narnia witch is rightly dumped out and an inquiry is started as to how she was ever in the competition when beauties such as Smurfette never got into the last 32...  

THE LAST 16
A highly scientific methodology is employed to decide the fixtures for the next round (Jolley, pick a number between one and eight) with top seeds from each group playing the runners up.

RUBBLE v CHEETARAH. Clean sweep of the judges by the speedy Cat sends Rubble home, which is bad news for her but good news for Barney.  
FIONA v SHE-RA. Its close in the voting, but the pre-ogre princess just defeats the powerful sword wielding cousin of He-Man. With ties like this in the group of 16, how tough is the tournament going to get come quarter final stage? We're in for some mouth watering clashes. Farewell She-Ra.  
RABBIT v FLINTSTONE - the cute ragged dressed one simply does not enough in the locker to compete with the sultry songstress. Will anyone be able to stand up to the Rabbit juggernaut. Although her chain smoking is noted as a black mark.
WHITE v POKE - Its close but the cute squaw goes through, the thought of going back to her place when it is occupied by seven miners of diminished growth probably counts against White who we must bid a fond adieu.
ARIEL v STORM - the judges being reminded that its only in water that Ariel is half fish and on dry land may well have a fine pair of legs is not enough to save her against the metrologically minded X-Man (person?)
SLEEPY v PITSTOP - close contest but being asleep for years as a time appears to not be as bad a trait as constantly being tied to railway lines by the Hooded Claw (too annoying, with too many dates missed due to being in peril). Winner - Sleepy.
BEAUTY v BAT - surely someones whos very name is literally Beauty can not go out at this ealry stage. Well yes she can when up against the Bat. The leather suit no doubt plays its part but also she has a cool motorbike and obviously knows Batman so might be able to borrow the Batmobile for a date. Thats a big plus with the judges and the Bat is through.
JASMIN v MYSTIQUE - can the shape shifting bad girl defeat the Princess (lot of Princesses around here) from the Arabian peninsula. Well no, despite having the ability to take any form, Mystique's possible psychosis and high likelihood she may try to kill you at some point count against her. Bye bye baddy blue.

QUARTER FINALS
Its getting exciting now, theres some huge clashes coming up, into this round go two princesses, a cat, a bat, a rabbit, an X-person, a native American and the last remaining "beauty" in the contest. On with the matches.  
FIONA v RABBIT - Despite knowing that Roger is her one true love, the judges see beyond this thinking that he may well get hit on the head too many times by a 100 ton weight, leaving Jessica free. The Rabbit goes through leaving Fiona free to turn into an ogre and live in a swamp.
BAT v JAS - Even the leather suit is not enough against the Arabian princess whose form has been improving through the tournament. Maybe those tough early matches against Catgirl and Cheetarah instilled a new found confidence in the previously shy and retiring Jas. How far can she go?
STORM v POKE - Its close, there is much arguing, wailing and gnashing of teeth but the X-gal is through. Ability to fly is possibly the deciding factor, poke can only bring a canoe to the transportaion table. At this stage of the tournament, thats just not good enough.   SLEEPING v CHEETARAH - A clash of extreme opposites here, the feline clocked at a top speed of over 50mph against the apple eater famed for forty winks and not moving at all. Somehow old sleepy gets it by the slimmest of margins, Cheetarah is free to head back and fight once again against Mum'ra, which is good news for Liono and buddies. Did Cheetarah ever get it on with him, Tigro or Panthro the judges ponder. We think so, but not sure which one she would go for. The tournament digresses...

SEMI-FINALS
We're really at the business end now folks, only four left - who will take the crown?

STORM v JASMINE - I'm afraid its the end of the line for the flying weathergirl. Jasmine too has the ability of flight via her carpet so Storm's advantage over prior competitors is nullified. Jasmine is simply too cute, plus Storm is deemed a bit too serious and probably wouldn't be as much fun. Plus Jas lives in a country with pretty much guaranteed good weather so the ability to control it is not such an asset for the Stormy one. Storm did well to get this far but just doesn't have what it takes to beat the princess, Jas through to the final.  
SLEEPY v RABBIT - its no contest really, its a shame that at this late stage of the tournament the crowd aren't treated to a closer match in the second semi-final. Sleepy just can't compete with the Rabbit's sultry voice, her thigh slitting dress, her heaving bosom, um where was I...In fact a quick countback is undertaken to see how exactly Sleepy got this far. Rabbit through to the final. but she hasn't really been tested through the tournament, could complacency and a lack of tough competition count against her in the final?

THIRD-PLACE PLAY OFF
Its the game no-one wants to play in and proves a fairly uninteresting affair, with Sleepy narrowly getting the bronze medal. How does she keep doing it?

THE FINAL
This is what it all leads to folks, 32 cartoon characters started, only two remain. Jessica Rabbit v Princess Jasmin. Its a clash of overt sexiness versus quiet understated beauty. Why Don't You Do Right versus A Whole New World. A bare mid-riff versus a bare far too much in one scene for a cartoon (really, you need to pause at the right moment). There was a lot to consider, obviously they would never leave Roger and Aladdin respectively so thats a null issue. Jasmine does have the flying carpet on one hand but Jessica has that voice. Jasmine lives in a palace and is really rich but Jessica lives in Toonland which is cool. Long into the night the debates and arguments raged but in the end the winner of the 2007 Fittest Female Cartoon Character was...   Princess Jasmine.  The flying carpet probably swung it, the black mark of the smoking counted quite heavily against Rabbit and it was felt she might just be a bit more high maintenance.   So thats it for another four years/when we next run out of things to talk about at the reserve. Some great matches, some surprising results, some controvesy - its what the world cup is all about. Let the arguments about the results commence.    

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