Which one is the monkey?

Trip Start Jan 2006
Trip End Ongoing

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Flag of Malaysia  ,
Monday, February 13, 2006

We met strolling along a protected rainforest north of here, a lovely South African couple,an annoying Australian Michael Moore fanatic, Nathan, and good ol' cynical "I." After a while we decided to head back towards camp. Listening to yet another uneducated attempt at America bashing, I ditched the know-it-all from down under and began walking alongside this girl, who seemed rather quiet and shy. Yet, upon passing under a tree along the path, she looked up, stopped short and began to yell:

"Oh no, I cant believe it. (to the guide) your lying to us!!!!"
The guide, turning red, asked what he said wrong.

"The viper hasnt moved since we last were here!!! its fake!!!! i cant
believe you put a fake snake here to scare us"

The guide:
"It isnt fake"

the idiot:
well if it isnt fake, then lets see it move, i am not moving until it moves"

Now, it doesnt require a lot of common sense to totally have no idea whats going on. Who in the history of the world has ever said he will not leave until the head of a FUCKING VIPER moves? So, I started trying to lighten up the situation (embarrassing someone in public (and especially for no reason) in Asian cultures is one of the worst things you can do):

"Why doesnt Mr. America-needs-to-rewrite-its-constitution-because-i read-a-chapter-of-Farenheit 911 climb the tree and annoy the viper?"

No reaction. Tough crowd.

The guide, having lost all respect from the group members, tried desperately to make this ultimately venemous predator move his triangular poisoned filled head so that some moistened old bag could get off. First he shook the tree, but the snake didnt move.
then he tried to climb it , but at my suggestion that it wasnt worth it he came back down......

The next sentence out of the hole of ignorance was mindboggling:
"If that snake doesn't climb down this tree right now i will sue you and the Malaysian park service!"

Who did this tart think she was? Cleo-fucking-patra?
I couldnt help thinking, and if it does come down, your husband will
be suing the guide and the park service for the death of his
spouse..or would he? Any half wit in that position should buy life insurance, sit back and wait. He'd be rich in no time.

I gave the guide some wooden blocks, which he launched at the
head of the viper, but it still didnt move. I kept one block in
my hand, but believe me, after all this cultural insensitivity, this
block wasnt aimed at the vipers head......

The guide, still desperate, asked for the block and lauched it a
few inches in front of the vipers head, the viper faster than anything you could ever imagine, snapped at the block, split second, and returned back to its former position.

Nobody spoke for a considerable while. Not even Cher. Then, waving
her hand in condescending dismissal, the watery hole said "oh, ok
then" and continued walking towards the canteen.

My God, somebody actually fell in love and married that thing.
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