Rumination No. 6 - Ow! I Have Carpal Tunnel!

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  Alicante, Spain
Thursday, June 22, 2006

Warning: I write this immediately following the U.S. losing to Ghana. Iīm not saying we got jobbed - the team was too indifferent to blame it all on the ref. But, the penalty kick call was one of the worst (and the game has so many that I am embarrassed for anyone who pretends it is anything other than a soap opera on turf) of a bad lot.

With that, I offer my Americentric, fussball-ignorant, partly-buzzed rumination on the biggest sporting fraud in the world. They should just merge FIFA and the WWE and be done with it. Mind you, I enjoyed myself, but I also liked "Rocky" without believing there was an element of true sport involved. I also think that there is much to be said for the idea of the World Cup - bringing people from all over together, diffusing nationalism, harmless revelry, etc. However:

10. FIFA sucks. If there is an international body crying out to be investigated with greater vigor than the IOC in the 1990s, I donīt know it. The ticketing was beyond incompetence, and their governance of this so-called sport is proved by the product on the field.

9. The fans suck. Mass singing and chanting and overt nationalism scares the shit out of me. There is a reason that the Simpsons always makes fun of mob psychology. (See every bloody putsch/pogrom/inquisition/cleansing/etc. of historic or modern age.) I suppose it is better than trench warfare between countries, but, come on, who really can stand and root and defend the histories of any of these hegemonies. Well, other than the Swiss.

8. Shouldnīt the game be "Riverdance" on grass? No hands and all that. Iīve seen more grabbing and shoving and yanking and pushing than a Greco-Roman wrestling match, but without the singlets to satisfy the ladies. They should have weight classes.

7. The uniforms suck. This doesnīt go so much to the World Cup, but soccer in general. As best as I can figure it out, Puma is beating Adidas, who is kicking ass on Siemens (heh, heh, heh, he said Siemens). And each team has several uniforms. This outright crass ripoff of fans exists in the States too, but Iīm on an outrageousness roll.

5-6 (related ideas). The officiating sucks. To be expected given only one guy for the whole field, 22 players, the speed of the game, etc. So why not add more, let alone the idea of instant replay, or (as in the NCAA) and "eye in the sky" watching and in radio communication with the ref? Major League Baseball goes from 4 to 7 umpires for the playoffs. The NFL has so many linejudges, backjudges, frontjudges, and aftjudges that the entire AARP is employed. But soccer insists upon playing an anachronism proven flawed bi-hourly by TV. Moreover, the rules appear to be completely subjective. There is an element of that in other sports, but soccer may as well be icedancing. What one ref calls, another doesnīt, and there appears to be no balancing. Do something. Establish hard guidelines, and emasculate referees who donīt perform. Add 2 referees. Add a cameric review. Something, whatever. Technology is exposing the so-called "Greatest Game" for being nothing other than theater on cleats.

4. The scoring sucks. Even the NHL realized that 0-0, or 1-0 games are yawn-inspireing. It is embarrassing that grown men have orgasms on the field after scoring a goal in a football game, but it is almost understandable when one thinks about all the foreplay they have suffered. Those are 22 blue balls on the field.

3. The singing sucks. Like I said, mass/mob action scares me, particularly when I canīt understand the words. As a friend of mine says when he hears Germans speaking, he canīt help but subconsciously think they are saying ĻKill the Juden." And, when you are told the translation, it is generally moronic. And, they are often just singing the same phrase over and over. And, they are off-tune, which is the real crime.

2. The game is too fast. Like German trains, they start on time, and there are no breaks. No stoppage, just a few extra minutes pinned on to each half. Then, a 15-minute half, and the second 48 or so. No piss breaks. No beer breaks. Who would have thought I would pine for a commercial? I mean, you gots to pee, you needs your beer, but the only option is to miss the action (the halftime lines are not a viable choice).

1. The obvious - if I wanted to see bad Macbeth, I would watch Telemundo. I canīt blame the players because it works. I blame the game, FIFA, and the fans for tolerating such community theater. At this point, figure skating is more of a sport. And, ultimately, I feel ripped off. 60€ for what was, in essence, a B-grade kung-fu movie where you can see the punches are fake and the soundtrack doesnīt match the action?! Iīll take the shitty King Kong remake, thank you, because at least Christopher Columbus doesnīt pretend that it is anything more than escapist theater.

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