Rumination No. 1 - On Beer Drinking

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  Bratislava, Slovakia
Friday, May 5, 2006

Derivative, Non-PC, Shallow, Ameri-Centric Frivolous Rumination No. 1 - on Beer Drinking Every Night

When traveling alone, sitting at cafes/bars, drinking, reading, and otherwise doing nothing productive, certain thoughts occur, which percolate over time, reoccur, and become full-grown expositions in need of an audience. However, since they are not particularly geographically-specific, they are not necessarily fitted to a post about a specific city or festival. Nonetheless, I am going to set their inanity down for time memorial (because I know you care) as they reach full fulmination. I have named them - not self-deprecating at all - "Derivative, Non-PC, Shallow, Ameri-Centric Frivolous Ruminations." The first addresses the (sometimes) burning issue of how to handle drinking beer every night:

WARNING: This deals with my bowels - read at your own risk.

We start first with fact that beer is much cheaper than liquor in most parts of the world. Hell, beer is sometimes even cheaper than soda, juice, mineral water or iced tea, and it is always colder. Hence, I drink more beer abroad than at home. Also, I never have anything that I have to worry about, such as work. Thus, I'm drinking beers by day, beers by night, beers by afternoon, beers on trains, and beers with most meals. This has its consequences, though.

It leads to the beer shits. Lots of them. Partly this is due to what I call "Push It Forward," as borrowed from the Kevin Spacek/Haley Joel Osborne movie called "Pay It Forward." It's not a great analogy, but the ideas are forever related in my mind. In "Pay It Forward," Osborne's character devises a school project to do 3 deeds for others, and that they will hopefully do 3 good deeds, etc. . This Ponzi scheme of karma (and how ass-backwards is that?) is called "paying it forward." "Pushing It Forward" is the idea at always take a dump when you can. Call it constantly advancing the ball, if you wish.

"Push It Forward" serves multiple purposes: (1) you are less likely to be stuck without a toilet when you need one; (2) you are less likely to have to use a foul toilet because you no longer have the choice; and (3) you are less likely to suffer any mishaps when farting the beer farts that go ass-in-ass with the beer shits. This too has its consequences, though.

It leads to a raw anus. Pushing forward lots of beer shits leads to wiping one's ass lots of times with bad European toilet paper - that stuff that is so rough I'm checking it for knotholes because I swear they shaved it right off the tree. They bathroom frau may as well hand me tanbark while taking my money. So I compensate by going to the drugstore and buying the most expensive toilet paper they have. The European equivalent of Double-Stuffed, Aloe-Coated Charmin, and I truck that around with me in my bag, and a stuff a wad of sheets in my pocket when I go out.

Sure, the clerk at the Tesco store in Bratislava looked at me funny when I bought my TP, giving me a look that I translated as "I haven't sold a package of that overpriced stuff in months, but I will take your coddled American money because apparently you want to wipe your Imperialist, Bush-loving, ass with dollar bills." Actually, they like Americans here, they just don't have any respect for the consequences to my ass of their delicious, cheap (less than $1.00 for some pints) beer.

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