My Suan Mokh Experience

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  Surat Thani, Thailand
Monday, November 12, 2007

Monday, November 12th, 2007- 9:39 am

Hello my good Dhamma friends,

Well, I have successfully made it through the twelve day long meditation retreat, have had some time to reflect on my time there and am now ready to share some of my experiences. This is a daunting task for me as there is just so much that happened to me, so many details I don't want to forget and I am not sure where to begin. Also, I feel as if the words I am going to try and use to describe simply will not give the experience justice. I strain to find the adequate terms in my mental dictionary that would fully transmit the combination of thoughts, feelings and sensations that I was experiencing at any given time. Almost in doing so, I think that perhaps nomaclature (even though instrumental in verbal communication), has perhaps in some way also taken away from the object that we are naming. So, as I use words such as challenging, devastating, blissful and peaceful to describe my time there, please instead of just reading the words, try and recall a time that you felt that emotion and understand where I am coming from. A great example of this Buddhist concept of getting to the true essence of life can be found in a well known movie classic, in the line "there is no spoon."

Let me first tell you about the places that I spent my time and which shaped my daily routine.  Ubiquitous tropical jungle covering both the mountains in the distance and the area surrounding the monastary. The dining hall was near the enterance, housed the kitchen and offices and was where everyone gathered on day zero of the retreat. When we took our two meals of the day, we sat at these long wooden tables, on green metal chairs. Women on one side and men on the other. In this hall, there were also a couple of white boards that displayed the schedule for that day, the topic of the dhamma talk and a daily inspirational quote on meditation. As with all building on the premises, shoes had to be taken off at the door and footbaths were at each enterance if your feet were dirty or sandy.

The next place I'll introduce is the women's dormitory. Rooms were set up in a square with a courtyard in the middle and the toilets on the opposite end from the doors. Thai style showers were also found by the toilets. These being concrete square pools of water whose walls were about belly-high, where you had to use a small bowl to scoop the water and pour it over yourself. The water, of course, was always cold and refreshing and the task of bathing was made even more difficult by the fact that we women had to covered when doing so. At first, it was awkward and a bit cumbersome to wash and rinse the body while wearing a sarong, but after some practice I think I became quite good at it. Knowing how to hold the sarong discretely away from your body and how exaclty to pour the water over yourself to reach the desired places. There were also six smaller round tanks of water around the dormatory where clothes washing was done. Washing your clothes by hand with cold water was another new activity that took time to learn and get used to. There is an art of soaking, scrubbing, rinsing and wringing as I suppose, there is in all things in life. My room was number 108 (an auspicious number in eastern religions I'm told) but was the same as every other. A contrete box with a wooden door and small window with bars on it. There was a clothesline outside for wet clothes and a clothesline inside for dry clothes. My bed was again, made out of concrete, but did have a thin bamboo mat on it, which I gues helped with the cold at night a bit. It certainly didn't do anything in the way of padding my protruding hip and tail bones. The wooden pillow was not much help either, even though it was curved and buffed up so nicely. Truth be told, the wooden pillow wasn't so bad, if, and only if, you wanted to lie on your back. But for my, lying on my side was not comfortable, even if I did use my hands under my head for cushioning.

Meditation hall number 5 was where all the participants gathered to listen to the morning readings, do group sitting meditations, to listen to dhamma talks and do chanting. Again here, women and men had their own seperate sides with a wide walkway down the middle. Everyone had the same spot everyday and mine was in the very front row, third from the middle. I had a good vantage point to see and hear the speaker and observe the monks who would sit on low wooden tables at the front of the hall. We sat on the ground, on cushions on top of burlap sacks, to protect from the sandy ground. I also became used to using a small wooden bench to sit on which allowed your feet to slide comfortably underneath you. It did help me sit up strait but did not help with my tailbone issue. This sandbox of a meditation hall proved to be quite the challenge, as most days it rained and your feet would be wet and then would be completly covered with sand by the time you reached your place. Sand would get on your cushions and in your clothes and could be quite irritating and a distraction  while you meditated.

Other structures on the mediation centre's grounds that I would like to quickly mention. There were also three other meditation halls that were smaller than the group hall. One solely for men, one solely for women and the third was for coed to use. Theses three had concrete floors instead of sand floor and were often used in walking meditations when it was raining. Towards the back of the property, there were serveral ponds with paths around them, used for group and individual walking meditations. The square pond had large fish swimming in it and a bridge out to an island in the middle. At night, we did the group walking meditation in the dark, and our way was lit by these tall candle torches. This was the perfect expression of tranqulity and peace, as the candlelight as well as the outline of the trees and dark sky, would be reflected in the still water. The last structure worth mentioning is the bell tower, which was found right in the centre of the grounds. The bell would be struck with some sort of mallet to signal the start or end of the major sessions. No need for a watch or even the knowledge of time passing. Hearing this bell was incredible, as it's resonance would echo in your mind and all other thoughts would be lost.

Well, I wanted to give you an idea of the physical components of the retreat in hopes that you could in someway imagine the environment where I spent my time. To me this is important, as so much of my time was spent observing all the minute details of this area and so much effort was dedicated to learning how to truly live in and as a part of the surroundings. The sand, the concrete bed, the mosquitos, the wet ground, the slippery floors and the dark. All influenced my experience in it's own way.

As you all well know, this was entirely silent retreat. From 4:30 pm on October 31st to 5:45 am on November 11th, I had no conversations and asked no questions from the groups of 80 people that were around me. The only times that I did make any verbal sound was saying the Food Reflecion out loud before each meal, and during chanting each evening. This issue was not at all a challenge and did not seems to stress me out at all. In fact, I enjoyed it. It added to the calm and peaceful atmosphere, didn't cause any mental distractions and helped me focus entirely on  my actions and the thoughts that would come in and out of my head. The silence fostered my awareness on every single moment as it was happening and encouraged a profound sense of mindflness at all times. And I enjoyed this so much! The silence even helped 40 women live closely together, in equality and in harmony for 12 days without any disagreement or bad behaviours. I think another motivation for maintaining verbal silence was to help break down the habitual process of thinking about the self. This is a major topic in Buddhism. That there really is no self as we see it now and no true identity. or how I'm feeling.

I just mentioned the two major themes of this retreat from my perspective: learning about  the Dhamma (the teachings of Buddha which lead to enlightenment) and mindfulness. This was successfully accomplished due to the silence and a reliable daily routine.

The daily routine:

Big bell rings at 4 am, continuously for 15 minutes to wake everyone up from their restful sleep on their concrete beds. By candlelight, I would wash my face, brush my teeth, change clothes and head out the dorm  to the early morning session. At 4:30 in the meditation hall, everyone would be seated on their cushions, and we would listen to a reading on a specific area of meditation pactice or about Buddhism. This would lat about 15 minutes and would then be followed by a 45 minute sitting mediation session. At 5:15, the wowen head to meditation hall two in the dark and do an hour and a half yoga class on bamboo mats. If it wasn't usually so cloudy and rainy, we'd be able to witness the sunrise, as it was light by the time the csession ended at 7 am. The big bell would sound oss again, calling everyone back to the group hall for an hour of sitting meditation. For me, this was always the best time of the day for me to meditate. The yoga exercises filled me with energy, woke up my lungs for the day and chased the sleepiness from my body and replaced it with awareness. At 8 am the big bell would call us to the dining hall for breakfast.

Meals were always served buffet style, and you had the opportunity to fill your stainless steel bowl to the brim many sif you wanted to. Most breakfasts were the exact same with very little variation. Rice soup, lettuce, cucumbers, this other unnamable type of leafy green, a peice of fruit (usually mini bananas or green oranges) and tea. Everyone would have to be seated in order for the food reflection to be said and for the entire group to eat together, in silence.

Food Reflection:
With wise reflection, I eat this food. Not for play, not for intoxication. Not for fattening, not for beautification. Only to maintain this body. To keep it alive and healthy. To support the spirital (way of) life. Thus, I let go of unpleasant feelings, and do not stir up new ones. Thereby, the process of life goes on. Blameless, at ease and in peace.

Then when you're done enjoying your rice soup, clean your dishes in the kitchen and it was time for chores. On day zero, you had to sign up for a chore that you would perform twice everyday for the whole retreat. I signed up to sweep meditation hall 2, where women's yoga was done. I really let mysel get into this, finding the most efficient way of getting the task done and then really putting an effort into doing it right everyday. Sweeping is very mesmerizing. Back and forth, back and forth. And because I really put my concentration into it, I found that for the 20 minutes it took to complete the task, not many random thoughts invaded my head. It was enjoyable and relaxing. After this, we had "free time". This was mostly spent bathing, washing clothes or taking a short nap in your room.

The big bell would grab everyone's attention at 9:45 am, warning everyone to get to the hall for the dhamma talk at 10 am. Over the retreat, these talks were delivered by different people, either by monks, nuns or lay persons, and relayed a lot of information. The system of meditation which leads to enlightenment, ANAPANASATI (mindfulness of breathing) was covered in great detail. The 16 steps were broken down and it was made painfully clear what must be done and what to expect at each step of the process. Other Dhamma issues included the Four Noble Truths, The Nobel Eightfold path, non-self, dependant origination, the three difilements (greed, aversion sand delusion) and the five hinderances. Honestly, some very insightful but depressing stuff.

At 11 am we would be released from the meditation hall to mindfully stretch out our bodies with some walking meditation around the grounds. This was nice because it gave you the chance to go  where ever you wanted to on the grounds and honestly, do pretty much whatever you wanted. One thing that was very much stressed and obvious was that practicing a medatative life is very much up to the individual and that there was not going to be anyone chasing you around making sure you were doing what you were supposed to be doing. You could put as much or as little effort into your practice, but were told that the most effort shows the most positive results. (Side note: During chanting, there was this one Thai monk who would make us chant this one part over and over and over again, in both Pali and English. 'Effort is the duty of today. Even tomorrow death may come. For it is beyond our power to deny death and its great armies.') I'd like to say that I am pretty proud of my continued effort throughout the retreat. Especially during the walking meditation sessions where I never once sat down and sucumbed to boredom like some others I saw. Although I will admit to breaking out in quite a few tai chi sessions. But really, it's the same concept of meditation in motion.

The morning finished off with another sitting meditation in the big hall. I found that this was another good time of the day for me to meditate as my effort and concentration levels were still very high and my butt was not too sore yet.

At 12:30 the big bell would tell us it was time for lunch. This second and last meal of the day was always a step above the breakfasts that were served, and it was hard not to look forward to this part of the day. The food was delicious! There was always white rice, lettuce, cucumbers and tea served, but then there was two other main dishes and a dessert that was different everyday. Also I forgot to mention that everything that was served was vegetarian and the tofu (one of my favorite foods) was served in abundance! I was always completely satisfied after eating, putting me in a positive mood for more sweeping.

After meditation hall 2 was free from all debris and dust, I would have about 45 minutes of free time. I usually spent the morning session of free time showering and this second block of free time washing clothes and sweeping my room, if it needed it. Really, there was not a whole lot youe could do. No reading, writing, talking allowed. Once or twice I'll even admit to sitting outside my room on the walkway floor and meditating! I mentioned earlier that napping was  a possibility, but I only did that for the first three days when my body wasn't yet used to the routine and found myself quite sleepy. But from the fourth day on, I found naps were no longer needed.

2:30 pm- Big bell chimes. Back to the meditation hall. The group gets some instruction on the meditation practice and then gets a chance to practice until 3:30. Then another 45 minutes of walking meditation followed by 45 minutes of sitting meditation. Then it was time for some chanting, which was usually a welcome change at this point of the day, as you can imagine! Chanting was led by either the Thai monk or this very swet Thai nun named Ben. Even though at first most people were timid to sing, I think as time went on most became more comfortable and would really let themselves get into it. The chanting would be done in Pali and then we would read the English translations as well. There were some chants that I thought were really pleasing and beautiful which unfortunetly, I can't relay through these words. Next time you see me, just ask and I'll belt one out for you! I found that chanting had a positive physical effect that has an advantage for meditators. It helps to expand or at least warm up your lungs so that you'd be able to do some deep breathing practices, if you wished.

Chanting was followed by a short practice of loving-kindness meditation led by this other nice Thai nun. Usually she would verbally lead the group in sending out postive energy and intentions to your friends, family, people you've wronged or have wronged you. I realize this sounds a little silly but I found that if you just tried and took it seriously, it could realy help. It can put your mind at ease, help you work through ill-feelings you may have toward others or help you forgive yourself.

At this point it was 6 pm, the sun was setting and it time for tea or hot chocolate in the dining hall. I always took pleasure in this part of the day. A time to sit and relax witha hot beverage and reflect on the day that just passed. I usually thought of what I did well that day, which part was hard or annoyed me and if there was anything that I should try differently the next day. During this time of pondering, it was almost dark and the mosquitos would come out in full force. Another thing I always liked to watch for was the bats that would fly through the dining hall at this point. At least I think they were bats, although they may have been birds, I never could get a great close look at them.

Next, it was time to enjoy the hot springs! The most enchanting part of the day, it was so great! Woman had their own seperate hot spring to enjoy of course, but we still had to wear sarongs and be covered from shoulders to knees. Relaxing in this steaming hot pool of water, with the outline of the palm trees above your head and lightening bugs glowing in the twilight was so delightful and serene. And it felt so good on the body that had to endure so much sitting during the day.

The evening session would start at 7:30 with another ringing of the big bell. This would include a siiting meditation, a group walking meditation and would finish off with yup. another sitting meditation. I'll be honest, this was always the toughest part of the day for me and my heart was usually not into the meditation at all. the walking was fine for me, but during the sitting, I would just let my mind wander. Or, I'm ashamed to admit, there were days I would actually gets frustrated and just be itching to get up and go to bed. I don't know why. The mosquitos were always very bad at this point, as it was completely dark, and they would bite me through my clothes. Maybe also because I just had my fill of meditaion and sitting still and usually my back ached at this point. Anyways, I was always happy to be released of this session at 9 pm for bed. Most nights, even with the concrete bed and wooden pillow, I fell asleep quite fast. After all, I had to get up at 4 am and start it all over again!

Well, it's obvious that there's just so much that I want to share about this retreat. It has had a big effect of me, so much so that I'm still thinking about it two days later and don't want to let go of the memory. Overall, I would recommend this experience to everyone who is ready to truly learn about what they are made of. It certainly challenged me in ways I did not expect and I will foever be greatful for what I have learnt and for the people I met during this time.

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