Zhaoqing - its Chinese for 'Never Seen White Man'

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  Zhaoqing, China
Wednesday, March 23, 2005

23/3 - 24/3

Zhaoqing (pronounced Zowching for those without Pinyin expertise) is a couple of hours by bus, and 300 percentage points lower on the pollution-o-meter, from Guangzhou. Given the Chinese are now the kings of the concrete express tollway, inter-city travel is a pretty smooth experience - once you are actually on the bus...

Unfortunately when you actually arrive at the major bus stations to get your ticket, nothing is in English. Hence there is a lot of pointing in travel guides, attempted Chinese phrases and confused faces. I was never an expert at Charades, but I'm managing to act out conversations beautifully now with some grace. (its a movie, three word title, I know I know, 'The China Syndrome'...) It must be working, as I have managed to change cities.

Zhaoqing is built around a lake, which features the "Famous 7 Star Crags". That basically means a number of interconnected limestone islands and caves around the lake which allegedly occurred au natural. Usually the best way to tell if something has occurred naturally in China, is to look out for the neon lights which they will no-doubt have nailed to it to highlight its 'beauty'. I thought it best to view these first hand so I hired a lady motorised tri-shaw driver (the vehicle was motorised, not her) to take me round the crags.

Most of the locals seem to only know one English word - "hello". Except for one of the other tri-shaw drivers, who's English also extended to the word "cuddle". He was attempting to get me to grab onto my lady tri-shaw driver, even though there was no need, as I was safely tucked into a canopy at the back of the motorbike. He took great joy in doing a reach around and grab by the waist sort of motioning action, then yelling the word "cuddle" outloud, and pissing himself with laughter.

I am literally the only westerner here in Zhaoqing. I'm not talking few, I'm talking only... Whereas in Guangzhou there were quite a few western couples around town (most visiting in order to adopt a Chinese child), here I'm it. And given I'm tall and haven't gone the way of the comb-over (which is a balding Chinese male haircut d'jour) I'm getting the full-on treatment from the Zhaoqingians - pointing, in-depth stares, and laughs. They simply don't hold back, there is no shame. You'll catch them looking at you, so you look away and then double-back and they are still there just staring. A week is a long time in travel - last week ago I was "The Sexy Man", and this week I'm "The Freakshow".

My hotel is right on the lake front, and it does offer some rather special added extras in the bathroom department. For 10 Yuan (about $1.60) you can purchase "Man Lotion". "ML" is a small foil packet with what appears to be a moist towelette inside. According to the packaging, apparently "ML" should be applied to the male genitals as a chinese medicinal treatment, prior to swimming or sexual intercourse to avoid the spread of pathegons or diseases. The instructions are to 'massage into the genitals for 2-3 minutes, then shower, in order to greatly reduce the man from the catching of any sexual diseases'.

My theory is that after a good three minutes of harsh massaging, then a nice relaxing shower, the chances of catching an STD will have diminished because most males will have already reached the 'dozing off to sleep' stage of proceedings at that point, which greatly decreases the chances of coming into contact with anyone.

Although my consistent 'ganmao' continues (Chinese for cold flu thingy from what I understand) I have managed to successfully eat a full Chinese meal at a full Chinese restaurant, with some confidence. One thing I am discovering is that while some may view me as brave (or slightly mad) in volunteering to spend 6-7 weeks in China and 6-7 weeks in India, my gullet does not match up to that bravery. If there is a Chinese word for "woosey-woosey-nah-nah" then I must find it. While other travellers go in head first into local delicacies and street vendors ("city meat, yeah lets eat it.."), I just can't do it. I'm like the kid who'll only put his toe in the water even though the other kids are screaming "come on in, the water's fine, once you're in".

Its a mix of the fear of eating a cute pet, and the fear of a lost control bowel....

I have managed to sample some fine Cantonese Pumpkin Dumplings tonight, (Pumpin Dumpins perhaps) and also a chicken dish called Kanbao, which nearly caused a ventricle to pop due to its chilli content. But at least I'm dishin' it up like a local now.

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