Life...hmmmm
Trip Start
Mar 22, 2008
1
23
33
Trip End
Jun 23, 2008
Rome,
Italy
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
The last few weeks have been absolutely incredible. After leaving the comforts of my home in the U.S. and finally finding a new comfort, I can safely say that Rome has taught me how to live. In some ways I feel that I've found myself; in other ways I feel that I've lost myself. I now have more questions than answers, and let me say that it is a slightly (ok, not slightly...VERY) scary place to be.
I have seen what must be some of the most beautiful places on earth, and more importantly, I have met some of the most interesting and amazing people. It's a pretty powerful experience to exit a life that has been mine for nearly 33 years, with many people in it who have been a part of it for many of those years...and enter a new life and meet new people, knowing that I only get to live in this life for three months. THREE MONTHS. It's just a blip in the scheme of my life. I am becoming more sad every day, knowing that the end is near, and yet I feel guilty for feeling sad. Guilty to the people at home whom I miss so much, and who I know miss me as well. I feel loved and needed from across the oceans and it heightens my feelings of guilt and fear about coming home.
It's funny...I knew this experience would be life changing. But I didn't really know what it would do to my insides, to the core of my being. Maybe I have just been too sheltered and had things come too easily...even though I've never felt this to be the case. There are many moments lately when I long to be a more simple person. Someone who doesn't think so much. If only I could not be so complicated, many things about life would be easier. But that is not me, so this is what I have to deal with. We all have to deal with the cards we are dealt; this is a fact of life.
I'm also pissed off because I now know for certain that I get much more pleasure and personal fulfillment out of writing than drawing. And I feel like I'm better at it. So what the hell do I do with that? Listen to all the people in my life tell me one more time that I can't change my mind about what I want to do with my life? Whose life is this anyway? Sometimes I wonder. Again, more questions than answers.
SOOOOO, this all very heavy; I know. I am terrified at putting this out there but why not just face all my fears?
I'll lighten it up a little and write about some of the places I've been lately...
Praiano, Italy. Amalfi Coast. To date, the most amazing place I have ever been. But I have to say that looking back on it, it wasn't just about the place, which was f***ing amazing and beautiful by the way. It was the whole package: the place, the scenery, the people, and the experience. I can absolutely say that in all of my 32.9 years, I have never met a group of people who are consistently more genuine and generous and simply nice, than those I met in Praiano. We ended up going to this place because a friend we met in Rome has a friend who owns a small hotel there and he insisted that we must go. I am typically not a small town person. I generally feel trapped, confined, and stifled. But not here. I witnessed a community that made me long for a community. I usually want to be anonymous so this was a strange feeling. It's not necessary to spew forth all the things that I did...I only need to say that I felt so FULL that I said to myself I could die right now and feel that I had lived enough. I don't know if I can make clear how strange it was to feel this way, as I have never even considered this feeling. It was odd and amazing and exhilarating. Coming back to Rome after that weekend was a big letdown. It was hard to adjust and all I could think about was how I felt in Praiano.
One week later, I got to take another trip. I went with some friends from Rome (traveling without any of my roommates for the first time which was another nice change), to a very small island called Ventotene. I do mean very small by the way. I literally walked from one end of the island to the other in a matter of about one hour (and this included some hiking up a cliff). I enjoyed myself immensely but I did end up feeling absolutely trapped here! The island thing is different. It makes me stir crazy to know that when we missed the ferry we intended to take, the only way to get off the island was to wait several hours for the next one. I don't like feeling trapped. Literally or figuratively.
I now sit back in Rome, trying desperately to conjure up the gusto that I SO need in order to complete all the work I have to finish in the next several days. I literally have only 5.5 days left to finish all my work for this quarter and it is daunting what is left to complete. I'm fighting my internal battle between saying f*ck it, I just want to live and enjoy my last few weeks here, and knowing that I have to be responsible (to a certain degree). I have spent many hours and days feeling that I have two people inside of me, duking it out to see who wins...responsible, practical Audrey or the f*ck it, I'm in Italy Audrey. So far the latter has been the winner but we're down to the wire now and I think the practical Audrey has to take over for just a little bit.
That's where I stand and that's all I've got for now...
