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  Rome, Italy
Sunday, May 18, 2008

Well, here goes...

I haven't written for a while because I've been feeling a little at a loss for words.  Or more precisely, that what I have to say isn't very interesting or important for the world to read.  But since I've given myself this platform to stand on and speak my mind, I guess I might as well use it.  So here's how I feel right now:  I. HATE. SCHOOL.  I am absolutely loathing this design project I have been "trying" to work on.  By "trying" I mean that I'm not trying very hard because I'm so unmotivated.  I sit down and stare at my papers and drawing tools and I just get angry.  I'm digging in my heels and protesting.  Inside I'm screaming at the top of my lungs.  I realize this is technically why I came here, but nonetheless it is making me angry, agitated, and slightly depressed.

Couple this with my rapidly growing feelings of revulsion at having to enter yet ANOTHER church, and my agitation rises to a level of sincere panic.  I believe I have determined that my problem with the churches is not simply related to this syndrome of seeing too much art and decoration.  After a visit to the Jewish Ghetto and a tour of the synagogue that included the brutal history of the persecution of Jews and the strife that still exists today between Catholics and Jews in Rome, I am more sure than I ever have been that my illness and aversion to churches is, in fact, related to my feelings that ALL religion is just a bunch of crap.

I can not and will not look at these buildings and their art as simply art and architecture.  It is ALL related to this BS thing that, in my mind, is at the heart of much of the worlds' troubles, and has been for centuries.  If I ever thought I was convicted in my beliefs in the past, I was sadly mistaken at the depths of my convictions.  If nothing else, this experience has solidified something for me that will never leave me.  As I am forced to choke on the extravagance of these buildings...as I gain an understanding for the depths to which the church has control over a society, I am sickened beyond the capacity of which my words can describe.

It has come to the point that as soon as I enter a church, particularly if there are many people in it, I feel like I am losing my mind.  It is not getting better; it is getting worse.  And now that I have this mental clarity about its cause, I can only imagine that things won't really be looking up.  I am struggling with the fact that I have to do this for my class, yet I feel that I am dishonoring myself every time.  I'm not really sure what to do with that.

I have become bitter over the fact that in some ways, this trip has had the opposite effect on me from what was intended.  By this I mean that the point of looking at all this architecture is for me to gain an appreciation for the historical nature of it, and to be able to use this in my future career.  I hate to say that what it has done for me instead (at least at this very moment), is made me completely disinterested in architecture in general.  It seems so frivolous and trivial to me.  What is the point?

To end this on a good note, I will conclude by saying that I know wholeheartedly that due to the nature of my being, I trust that this experience is here to nudge, maybe push, maybe thrust me in the direction that is right for my life.  Who knows what that will be, but surely this crazy ride I'm on holds purpose beyond my current suffering.

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