TravelStream™ news feed for member jimbarnard on TravelPod's free travel blogs service http://www.travelpod.com/syndication/rss/jimbarnard en-us Copyright ©2009 TravelPod.com Thu, 01 Mar 2007 14:18:03 -0500 http://www.travelpod.com http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/jimbarnard/jb_trip_06/1172771340/tpod.html http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/jimbarnard/jb_trip_06/1172771340/tpod.html#comments Travel Blogs http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/jimbarnard/jb_trip_06/1172771340/tpod.html Thu, 01 Mar 2007 14:18:03 -0500 Africa and Australasia - Flashpacking.

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Hong Kong, Hong Kong

AUCKLAND - THE LAST OF NEW ZEALAND
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I should really update on Auckalnd and my last day in New Zealand before coming on to Hong Kong. Three highlights that stood out in the day i had before i flew out:

1) Taking in the view over Auckland from the Sky Tower, 300m or so straight up.
The lift that takes you up there has a glass bottom and a glass front so there is no escaping the feeling of height as you ascend. The most interesting part though had to be watching the fat English lout who had been giving it some in the lift on the way up completely lose it when trying to walk over the glass floor panels on the observation deck. After a full 5 minutes spent trying to psyche himself up to walk over them he teetered on the edge, prodded a panel gently with his foot (while gripping manically to the hand rail) and then ran back to the safety of inner wall. His misery was complete when seconds later a boy who cannot have been older than 8 jumped up and down on said section while shouting and banging off the outer glass wall. Priceless

2) Eating Dinner down at America's Cup Village with a very camp Michael Barrymore and his lover.
I am not sure if having Michael Barrymore as a dining companion says good or bad things about my taste in restaurants. I had decided to spoil myself on my last night and had just polished off a bottle of champagne when Michael minces over with his very butch lover and makes a scene, hoping everyone would notice him. No-one notice him - I love this country more every day. Clearly taken aback by his new found anonymity he ate quickly and minced off, all uptight ego and high campery, while his companion followed on behind, looking considerably more miserable for the experience.

3) Strange American love in and communal shag in the Dorm.
I stayed in a crappy high rise Backpackers on my last night (never let it be said i am tight) and shared my less than spacious cupboard with 3 American guys who were trying desperately to look bohemian. I knew i was in for a difficult evening when they started to cane the Absinthe. We were joined later by a surprisingly attractive American girl who is clearly shagging one of them - which one i am not sure because whenever one left the room a different bloke would snuggle up to her and slag off the previous admirer. I woke about 3.00am to the sound of the long haired guy shagging her in the bunk across from me. Bizarrely i woke again at 5.00 to catch my flight and she was in a different bunk with some other guy. I slammed the door on my way out to register my disappointment that i had not been on the bunk rotation schedule.


HONG KONG - A HARD WEEKS RELAXING
So there is more to the place than my previous booze afflicted evening wanderings uncovered when i used to come here on business ! The seedier side of HK was just as i remembered it being, the rest of the island however was spectacular. I got in at 8.00pm on Chinese New Year's day and we quickly dumped our bags before heading out. I am a little embarrassed to say that i was too knackered to make it to the waterfront and so we saw the fireworks on the TV in a bar around the corner from Chris' flat (friend i went over to see). It looked great and i felt awful - flew all the way out here and tried to time it so i could see the new year in and then i sit and watch it in a bar. Still, i was too bloody tired to go any further and so forgave myself this momentous act of lethargy after about 5 minutes and a couple of beers. The flight was affecting my co-ordination as well as i twice knocked over the drinks - Chris was not so lucky the second time round and spent the evening with a conspicuously wet crotch. Still, this did not stop a large group of American women cracking on to us in the last bar we staggered into - well, i say a large group. The only one who actually cracked onto us was the really ugly older woman in the group who had clearly taken a shine to me - bloody perfect ! Chris laughed his bollocks off needless to say.

I had penciled in Hong Kong for a little relaxation to recover from the beating my body took in New Zealand before i headed back to blighty but Chris hadn't read the script and so we spent a manic 5 days tearing round the island taking in all the sights i had so miserably failed to see on my previous visits.

The most physically painful part (well, of the bits i am allowed to divulge anyway) was the walk over the mountainous interior of the island to Stanley bay. This walk from hell, Chris promised, was a nice two or three hour walk with scenic views. The reality was a sweaty slog fest through thick fog. There are three really painful ascents on the part of the Wilson Trail we walked - i could not breathe half way up the first, at which point Chris cheerfully informed me that a) this was the easiest of the three ascents, b) the full trail is 100km long and was run in 13 hrs by a team of Gurkha's once (i was on course to complete the 10km we were walking in about the same time) and c) Sarah regularly strolled this trail in under 2 hours without breaking step. I would have cursed him if i could have found the breathe but i was busy trying not to pass out at the time. My legs went on the second ascent and i could only manage 20 steps at a time before collapsing with wobbly legs that were on fire from having to carry my lardy arse. Stanley is a pretty enough suburb of Hong Kong but it felt like heaven after that walk - beautifully flat. We wandered through the market which was interesting enough and a famous tourist destination but doesn't hold quite the same fascination once they clamped down on all the counterfeit stuff they used to sell.

Far more interesting where the markets around Mong Kok which Chris and i explored. Despite getting our timing wrong and arriving as they packed up, it was fascinating to walk round the flower and bird markets. The flower market is an explosion of colour in an otherwise grey city and is full of frantic stall owners all competing for the same customers and determined not to let one go before they have bought a couple of tonnes of the stuff. The bird market was a less comfortable experience as you walk passed row after row of beautiful and delicate birds couped up in impossibly small cages. We hit the ladies market on the way back which is a lively street lined on both sides with stalls selling impossibly bad clothes as far as the eye could see. The place is heaving with people, though i cannot imagine anyone buying this stuff. The highlight of the market was some old Chinese guy i saw wearing what can only be described as a shocking pink terry towelling nappy on his head, which was twisted in a knot at the front for added decorative appeal. He didn't look to be doing brisk business - i guess everyone has their limits.

We took in the Fish Market in Aberdeen the following day, which is an incredible place to wander round. It is a wet market and the live fish and crustacean are all housed in giant plastic trunks lined up row after row. Every now and then one of the residents gets a little frisky and jumps out of the tubs, keen on doing a runner. Once you have selected a fish the kindly stall holder proceeds to bash the poor buggers head off the floor until it stops wriggling and then wraps it up all nice for you. We wandered over to Lamma island after this for a gentle stroll - the island looks decidedly less lovely now they have built a bloody great big power station right next to the picturesque beach. What is immediately noticeable when you get off the ferry is how quiet the island is - it is only then that you realise how in your face and frenetic Hong Kong is. It is like Keith Chegwin on speed.

THE SPORTING STUFF
Chris is a member of the Jockey Club here, who own the Race Course that is improbably located slap bang in the middle of central Hong Kong. It has a fantastic array of sporting facilities though it seems to be patronised by a bunch of frightfully proper middle age men with spread who look like they wouldn't dream of sweating in their leisure time. Chris and i clearly did not fit this mould as we sweated, grunted and pounded our way through a couple of games of Tennis. Fabulous venue for it - from the rooftop courts you look out over the race course and sports fields to the high rise back drop that is 'Happy Valley'. I dare say we did not make quite such a fine sight, Chris cussing and throwing a strop with every dropped shot and me lumbering around the court a cross between a tired old cow and a hysterical chicken. Not an easy impression to carry off but i managed it with aplomb. Not that i am competitive but for the record i thrashed him !

I was invited to join Chris and the Jockey Club Hockey Veterans (if that makes sense) on their annual golf day while i was there. It is played at an even more posh and uptight golf course just outside of Hong Kong which has a 24 yr waiting list ! It is a beautiful course though i suspect that will all change when the Olympics hits town and they appropriate it for the cross country horse racing ! Chris and i teamed up and after a faltering front nine where i might as well have been swinging my tennis racket, we made a charge to the finish. Well, i made a charge. Chris collapsed and built to a crescendo of girly stroppiness which by the last hole was so funny i fell over i was laughing so much. Despite his best efforts Chris and i won the team event and with that i guaranteed never to get an invitation to join them again. Much praise was lavished on me through gritted teeth. After the game we all headed down to Wan Chai for a few beers and the inevitable bump and grind action with the mainland prostitutes who ply their wares in all the bars down there. They are a terrifying bunch of women, expert at character appraisal and ruthless in their execution. Despite vociferous and repeated protests they clearly sensed a sucker and proceeded to bump and grind me into submission. I beat a hasty retreat when it all got a bit much and managed to get out with just bite wounds to my name.

Accommodation in Hong Kong is tight, very tight, the sort of tight that makes your ears bleed - i knew it wouldn't exactly be commodious but i don't think i had prepared myself for the hermetically sealed Tupperware boxes people live in here. Chris has a lovely flat but it is only 700sq ft - i had a bathroom bigger than that. It is never a good idea to stick two blokes, fueled with alcohol and curry in a place this small. I woke most mornings at 4.00 as i was still on NZ time, or at least i thought it was the time difference that led to the early rise - it could equally have been the snoring, farting, groaning old man whose bed i was sleeping at the base of. The nights spent sleeping in the flat were certainly intimate, though not in that good way !

Thanks to Chris for being such an energetic host.

Next stop Blighty >>>>>>>>>>> THE END
]]> http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/jimbarnard/jb_trip_06/1172373420/tpod.html http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/jimbarnard/jb_trip_06/1172373420/tpod.html#comments Travel Blogs http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/jimbarnard/jb_trip_06/1172373420/tpod.html Sat, 24 Feb 2007 22:46:02 -0500 Africa and Australasia - Flashpacking.

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Photos of Rafting and Canyoning, New Zealand

Last Photo Catch Up
]]> http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/jimbarnard/jb_trip_06/1172370540/tpod.html http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/jimbarnard/jb_trip_06/1172370540/tpod.html#comments Travel Blogs http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/jimbarnard/jb_trip_06/1172370540/tpod.html Sat, 24 Feb 2007 22:16:51 -0500 Africa and Australasia - Flashpacking.

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Photos from Kaikoura to Auckland, New Zealand

More Photos of the trip
]]> http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/jimbarnard/jb_trip_06/1171776300/tpod.html http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/jimbarnard/jb_trip_06/1171776300/tpod.html#comments Travel Blogs http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/jimbarnard/jb_trip_06/1171776300/tpod.html Sun, 18 Feb 2007 02:00:22 -0500 Africa and Australasia - Flashpacking.

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Christchurch to Aukland, New Zealand

CHRISTCHURCH - MORE WATER !
Stopped off for some lunch in Akaroa on the way to Christchurch, which is perched on the Eastern tip of the Otago Peninsula. Another ridiculously pretty place in the middle of nowhere, but not particularly noteworthy in the grand scheme of things. Of most interest in this picture postcard town was the company i kept for lunch - a depressingly uncouth young English couple who swore like terrets is going out of fashion. Noun, Adjective, Punctuation - i had no idea f**k could be used so liberally. I warmed to them after a while and decided not to dissuade them from their frequent outbursts with a quick fork to the back of the head.

I hit Christchurch late on and had high hopes after a number of people raved about the place. I can only conclude that they were missing 'big' city living and the amenities that come with it as it is not a particularly special place. It has a nice enough centre which revolves around the Cathedral, a now defunct tram system which serves as a traveling restaurant and a decent park out the top end. Other than that it is like every other city. Having wondered around for a day i started to hanker for an adrenalin fix again and signed on to do some more White Water Rafting. The water is pretty big an hour outside of the city and i was looking forward to hurtling down it again (Grade 5 in sections - if grade 2 is like a fart in a bath tub, grade 5 is like paddling through waves the height of houses (well, bungalows)). I got the raft full of women which i ordinarily would not complain about but when you have to paddle a raft for 4 hours, half hearted and dainty paddling can be a real pain in the arse. The river got progressively bigger as we went down and ended in two sections of grade 5 that could prematurely age a man - one just 40m long and the other a series of rapids 400m long. Damn it was exciting punching through the standing waves with your face as you try frantically to paddle in an effort to stop yourself slamming into the rock faces. Needless to say our guide thought it would be a laugh to steer into the rocks on the way down, in an effort to warm us up before the big stuff.

The hostel i am staying in came highly rated, though i am not sure why. The highlight of my stay was the beds in the dorm which screamed out every time you twitched and were made for dwarfs (or whatever the PC term for them is). The bed issue was not a huge one for me but was for the poor couple who needed a pee in the middle of the night and walked face first into my stinking feet. I basked in satisfaction as they yelped and then walked into the door amid the confusion.

That was enough of Christchurch for me. After a brief stay i headed up to Wellington on the North Island as time was now running out. I took the gentile option and went via the train as it wound it's way slowly up the east coast passed all the spots i could not appreciate on the way down as i was busy driving and trying to block out the German girl who was meditating in the seat next to me (on reflection she strikes me as a cross between Animal from the Muppets and Yoda - i can just imagine what that must have looked like, Yoda and Lurch sharing a car !)


WELLINGTON, NORTH ISLAND
Damn i like Wellington, it is a fabulous city. Diverse, laid back (as all of NZ appears to be), and full of interest. The place is divided into quarters:
1) A posh city and fashion district full of impossibly self conscious people mincing up and down frantically during their lunch breaks
2) A couple of Cafe quarters ranging from upmarket to downright scuzzy (bumped into guys smoking crack on the street one night and a couple of prostitutes plying their trade)
3) A waterfront district that had skate parks and basketball courts at one end and a pretty beach front at the other (reminded me a cross between Manly Beach and Nice).

Spent a day wandering around eating and drinking, watching the kids at the basketball court beat crap out of each other and enjoying the sight of pro skateboarders mixing with kids who have even less balance than me and would inevitably end their sessions with an 'Ollie to Face Plant'.

Stayed with some family friends on the way out of Christchurch. This is the first time since Zimbabwe i have had a bedroom to myself and a bed big enough to sleep in - it was heaven. So good in fact that i woke at 5.00am startled by the lack of noise. My much needed rest was rudely interrupted though by their adorable little girl who decided she would come into my room at 7.00am and jump up and down on my bollocks. You have to love kids. The two i spent the day with were like Duracell bunnies on speed - i have newfound respect for parenthood !


TAUPO - WALKING MOUNT DOOM
Next stop was Taupo, a very pretty town on the edge of Lake Taupo. I came here to walk the Tongariro Crossing - meant to be one of the finest day walks in the world. It came with a fearsome reputation as a relentless 10 hour slog - i started the day rather meekly. 30 minutes in i could see why it has that reputation as i fought my way up the near vertical side of one crater - after kicking my 10th rock i was starting to regret wearing sport sandals. The good news is that once on top of the crater, which only took a further 45 minutes, it was all downhill and turned out to be a piece of cake. I was joined at the top by a haphazard Dutch guy and a relatively sober Irish bloke who made fine company. The view from the top of the Tongariro crater was incredible - it was like walking on the moon. Mount Doom shot straight up in front of us, a near perfect conical volcano. The guidebook said it was climbable if you found the first ascent easy. I melted, heaved and cussed my way up that first climb and so declined the invitation.

The area is still active, which meant steam rose from the ground around us and it smelled like rotten eggs - good news as i was a bit windy that day. We got a chance to practice some scree running on the way across the craters and we bounded John Wayne style down the slopes with considerably more ease that we had climbed the first ones. 5 hours later we were down the other side and nursing weary legs while we waited for the bus. The first bus went when it was full and the second one was not guaranteed to leave until everyone was down - this could have taken another 3 hours. The three of us therefore spent a good 10 minutes planning our attack to ensure we got to the front of the queue. I subtly sat in the middle of the car park while the other two perched on the flanks to stave off the hordes. We had agreed that punching was not on but judicious elbows were fair game. When it came down to it there was depressingly little jostling.

I spent Valentines night with the strange Dutch bloke i climbed with and we ate cheeseburgers and played pool - all very romantic.

ROTORUA, RAGLAN, WAITOMO AND THE CORROMANDEL
After the exertion of the climb i could barely move and opted to take it easy for the the last 3 days in New Zealand. I popped into Rotorua for the thermal springs, which were all very pretty - blah blah blah, and then headed out to the coast to hang with some surfers at a tiny place called Raglan. It looked bigger on the map but turned out to be a one street town with a very bohemian feel to it. Ate drank, chilled out and went for a swim in water that would make your nuts shrivel to raisins after about 2 minutes. Nothing very eventful happened other than that.

The next day i headed out to Waitomo to do some Caving. There are over 800 caves carved into the Limestone under Waitomo and the surrounding areas, only a few of which are commercially explored. Some, of course are explored by less well equipped animals and the cavers are regularly called out to rescue Cows and Sheep that have inadvertently fallen down a cave. I booked onto an all day caving adventure called the 'epic lost world adventure'. It promised to be the most physically demanding of the various options as well as the most expensive - i nearly had a nose bleed when i discovered just how expensive. Still, sod it i thought, you only die once. We got kitted up in more rubber and helmets (no rude suggestions please) and piled on down the abseil, which was fully 100m - a damn long way down. The descending device we used was new to me and while i was assured it was safer than the ones i am used to it had the unnerving feature of being particularly hard to lock off if you were generously proportioned. Hence i slid with ever greater speed down the rope toward the bottom.

We stopped for lunch at the bottom before we took to the caves which stretched out for 2km - a good 5 to 6 hours caving. It was fabulous fun, wading through underground rivers, climbing over fallen rock roofs, scrambling under massive boulders and wading under and climbing over waterfalls. At one point we had to jump through the 'Jaws of Death'. This was a hole in the cave floor about the size of a human which led into pitch black. The jump was literally a leap of faith and terrifying. We turned off all our helmet lights to add to the sense of occasion and each in turn plunged down. It felt like an eternity until i hit the rock pool at the bottom of the new cave system and i gasped with shock as i finally resurfaced. Before we had time to recover we were then on to the big climb over another waterfall which required us to crab our way up a small funnel through a waterfall and traverse a rock ledge to a more substantial flat section about 10 - 15m further up. Not easy to do when you are covered in a restricted wet suit and wearing wellington boots. Several people slipped and fell (harmlessly into the pool below). We were all totally shagged out when we finally emerged out the other end. It was all i could do to crawl into bed at 9.00 to grab some kip and try to recover.

Final stop before Auckland and my flight to Hong Kong was the Corromandel, another peninsula and even more breathtaking that Otago. I spent a glorious day in baking heat and sunshine exploring the various bays and headlands before crashing for the night in Corromandel town. The specialty here - well, one of them any rate - is battered, smoked mussels. Sounded interesting but on reflection tasted much like i imagine the sweaty insoles of my walking shoes would. The campsite i am in has a very strange take on a trampoline. It is a giant inflated cushion tethered to the ground and the size of a tennis court. I threw myself around on it for half an hour but had to retire guiltily after knocking some kid clean off the thing following a more acrobatic move. To my relief the boy looked initially stunned and then burst into laughter. Resilient the little buggers they breed here !

NZ is now no more - only a day left in Auckland to go and then i start my way home via Hong Kong. Sad to be leaving such a chilled place with such fantastic geography and so much to do, but i am battered, bruised and sleep derived and so getting back to a sense of normality may be just what i need, before still more parts of my anatomy stop working
]]> http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/jimbarnard/jb_trip_06/1170982680/tpod.html http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/jimbarnard/jb_trip_06/1170982680/tpod.html#comments Travel Blogs http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/jimbarnard/jb_trip_06/1170982680/tpod.html Sun, 18 Feb 2007 00:25:12 -0500 Africa and Australasia - Flashpacking.

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Franz Josef to Kaikoura, New Zealand

FRANZ JOSEF - STILL TWO WEEKS IN

After the relatively sedate Canyoning in Wanaka i headed on to Franz Josef to climb the glacier. The trip across to the West Coast was mind blowing. To get there i had to drive through the Haast Pass which is possibly the most rugged and in your face mountain pass i have ever seen - it is like driving through a lost world. It was pissing down with rain (160mm in one day - more than some places get in a year) and the clouds clung to the top of the mountains to lend an eery feeling of suppression to the whole thing. Aside from the towering mountains and glowering clouds that defined the cavernous gorge, the rain had swelled the river and it raged and foamed below with torrents of white water. The most spectacular aspect of the Pass though, had to be the waterfalls which tore through the tree lined valley sides. The ones on the side of the valley the road ran along crashed into the tarmac, swollen as they were beyond their usual restraints. Some of the larger falls fell fully across half the road and driving through them was more a matter of luck than judgment. I loved it and backed up to have another go at several points.

Rain was great for the Pass but less great for glacier walking. I arrived in Franz Josef to a sodden and miserable little town that didn't have much going for it, and was told there was no point waiting for the weather to clear before walking up the glacier as it rains 200 days a year here (they get about 8 metres of rain a year). Bugger it, i was going up anyway. As it transpired there was a break in the weather the following day and we had glorious sunshine for the day. Kitting up was not fun though as the kit was still very wet from the previous 3 days rain. I poured about half a pint of water out of each boot before putting them on (well, i did with the second one, i forgot to check when i put the first one on). We got full Goretex head to foot kit, Climbing Boots, Crampons and Ice Axes if we felt frisky enough and needed the extra balance they would provide. The Glacier is in retreat though it's tongue was still 12km long, 150 - 300m thick and fed from a basin at the top which measured 32 sq km. That is a lot of ice. The first part of the ascent was relatively straightforward as we traversed and ascended via cut steps and reasonable tracks. However easy progress was short lived as we hit he folding point in the glacier where it ran over a rock lip. At this point the ice fractured in a series of vertical fans which were anything up to 30m high. To progress up the glacier we had to cut and climb our way up these vertical ice faces. Spectacular to be in and amazing to climb up, though it took it out of you after an hour or two. I was grateful for lunch to fuel up. Eating lunch while sitting on a glacier is much like i imagine it feels like to have someone insert ice cubes up your arse while someone else blows snow in your face. Lunch was a brief stop. You could hear the ice crashing in on itself at various points in great crescendo's which added too the sense of adventure. Eventually, after 6 hours on the ice we made our way back down, knackered, a fair bit bruised but all of us buzzed from the experience.

I cursed my bad luck as i have yet another snoring freak in the dorm with me. This one is a bloke, has one eye (i shit you not), is a dwarf and only speaks German. Needless to say my efforts to engage him in conversation fell on deaf ears. Not only does he snore like someone farting down a Tuba, he got up at 6.ooam both mornings and inexplicably rustled plastic shopping bags for half an hour. I tried to remain calm and theorized he must have OCD or some such problem and that i should not get wound up by him but eventually i caved in and asked him politely if he wouldn't mind fiddling with his bags somewhere else. I also tried to 'help' him with his snoring but gave up after having woke him twice to suggest he lies on his side or better still his face as imminent asphyxiation would come as a welcome relief to the rest of us. Nothing helped and the only course of action let to me was retribution - i spent the second night farting into his bunk and accidentally kicked his stuff across the room. I know it is puerile but damn it was satisfying.


ABEL TASMAN
After larking around on the ice i was keen to get a move on and get up to the coast and the Abel Tasman national park to do some trekking in relative warmth. On the way i gave a lift to a Dutch bloke back to Haast and spent a most enjoyable hour listening to him rant about the Germans. I used Nelson as my base for exploring Abel Tasman - it is a great place and meant to be the most desirable place to live in New Zealand on account of it's sunshine hours and pleasant city centre. Not sure it is all that but it was a welcome relief from the rain in Franz Josef. I pitched up as the annual Buskers festival was on and it was fantastic. The most memorable act being a cross dressing American comedian and pantomime artist. His masterpiece was juggling knives while wearing roller skates and a dress atop 3 beer barrels on the stage ! His best line was in the build up to this when he admitted to the crowd, "I am American....(glances at beer barrels)... i may have started something here i cannot finish" followed by pause for comic effect. It took the crowd a second or two to realise the link with Iraq and then they burst into laughter.

The walk along the coast of the Abel Tasman national park was great (running out of superlatives). It was a baking hot day (well, for NZ it was hot) and the walk wove round the headlands and bays along the coastal strip of the park. I got a water taxi out and then set off in earnest for the 8 hour walk back. It was a relatively busy trail which detracted slightly from the experience but the coast line was riddled with pristine sandy coves and after stopping to swim at various points i no longer minded the company. I had lunch at Torrent Bay and spent a most amusing half hour watching a huge woman break into a panic when she realised how little the hotel had given her and her husband in their packed lunch. She was practically in tears with joy when she discovered the chocolate bar, which she snatched out of her wiry husbands hands and ate in one. Depressingly they were English. I left as she started to wipe sunscreen through the folds in her screen. After the glacier trek i was wasted and the walk nearly finished me off as the first four hours saw the track Yo Yo up and down the headlands. I was just starting to feel proud of the effort when a pregnant lady waltzed past with her handbag, smiled and said hello !!


MARLBOROUGH SOUNDS
After that walk i headed to Picton for a little R&R. Picton is nestled in amongst the Marlborough Sounds, a series of flooded river tributaries at the top of South Island. The town is pretty enough but the location, on the edge of Queen Charlotte Sound is stunning. I spent the first afternoon relaxing in the park by the sound, watching the world go by. In celebration for my efforts the last few days i bought a bottle of fizz and headed back to my hostel to drink it. It was while i was making my way through the second half of the bottle that i was 'fortunate' enough to meet Maren. Maren is a 36 year old German girl who looks like a cross between Yoda and Animal off the Muppets. She was into alternative therapies. Maren decided she would accompany me over the next two days as i explored the Sounds - Deep Joy. I tried my best to put her off and in the end gave up. I decided i would get up early and leave before she woke so i could get away from here. The plan proved less effective when i realised she was sleeping in the bunk underneath me. So, with muttering hippie German Yoda girl in tow, i headed out to hike up the mountains of the sound to get a view across them. The walk was arduous but i managed to resist congratulating myself in case some blind overweight paraplegic jogged passed effortlessly to further erode my now dwindling ego. Had a great view across the Sounds from the top of the lookout hill / mountain. It was quite busy at the top and we were attracting rather more attention than i was comfortable with. Still, i guess it is not every day you see Yoda and Lurch hiking around the place. Even more unlikely to see Yoda meditating which included periods of groaning and spasmodic head, body and arm movement as she 'released the energy flows'. I decided i would have to dump the young lady when she started to tell me about the key to her healthy sex life and tips on female masturbation. TOO MUCH DETAIL. I could have gone my whole life happily not knowing half of what she told me on the climb down.


KAIKOURA - SWIMMING WITH SEALS
I left for Kaikoura the next day to go whale watching and try to escape my new traveling companion. Regrettably Maren decided it would be a great idea to go back to Kaikoura and told me she would join me for the journey. I spent the two hours it took to drive down to Kaikoura in silence in protest at the invasion of my privacy. This didn't seem to matter to Maren who was busy meditating in the seat next to me. I got to Kaikoura and told her that i would appreciate being alone for the next section of my travels which thankfully fitted with her plans as well.

Kaikoura is famous for it's whale watching (unique underwater topography means the migrating sperm whales stop off very close to shore to feed) and i booked to go out and have a look. The sea was big on the day i arrived and they had canceled the days trips. My heart sank as i envisaged spending the whole trip with my head in a puke bag the following day. As it turned out i had perfect weather and the swell was only a couple of metres. It still managed to turn a couple of people and i had the pleasure of sitting next to a poor German lady who started throwing up almost the moment we left harbour. I tried to offer her some advice on how to handle it but she was a little pre-occupied trying to clean the puke from her hair. We saw three Sperm Whales on the trip - all of them from not more than 15-20m away. I had seen the Souther Right Whale in Argentina before but it was nothing compared to the male Sperm Whales which must have been fully twice their size. They dwarfed the boat we were on. On the way back in we detoured to catch a pod of Dolphins playing near the coast and they raced us part way back to the harbour, jumping through the wash of the engines and flashing past the bow of the boat.

I had booked up seal swimming in the afternoon. The whale watching had been fun but it really just killed time before i got to play with the Fur Seals. It was a scream - the seals are all wild but incredibly inquisitive and playful. It did not take long for the whole colony to stop sunning themselves and dive into the water to play with us. I had seals darting all over the place and charging up to me only to flash away at the last moment. Several of them jumped clean out of the water over us as we swam by. They are beautiful creatures and it was awe inspiring to see them underwater playing and fishing as we swam with them. Certainly a highlight of the trip. Frostbite set in after a couple of hours and i beat a reluctant retreat back to the boat at the point i couldn't feel my face, hands, groin and feet anymore.

Buzzed from the day i headed into town to calm down over a few beers and met Chris, the outrageous queen from Wanaka. He promptly regaled me with stories of the German bloke he had got lucky with in Christchurch, broadcasting the truly embarrassing bits for the whole pub to hear. It was a great evening and i eventually staggered back to my hostel at 1.00am feeling very worse for wear.

Kaikoura is lovely but a couple of days is enough - on to Christchurch ...................
]]> http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/jimbarnard/jb_trip_06/1171436520/tpod.html http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/jimbarnard/jb_trip_06/1171436520/tpod.html#comments Travel Blogs http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/jimbarnard/jb_trip_06/1171436520/tpod.html Wed, 14 Feb 2007 02:21:09 -0500 Africa and Australasia - Flashpacking.

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Wanaka to Abel Tasman photos, New Zealand

More pictures !
]]> http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/jimbarnard/jb_trip_06/1170403200/tpod.html http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/jimbarnard/jb_trip_06/1170403200/tpod.html#comments Travel Blogs http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/jimbarnard/jb_trip_06/1170403200/tpod.html Fri, 02 Feb 2007 03:52:05 -0500 Africa and Australasia - Flashpacking.

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South Island, NZ Photos, New Zealand

Here you go folks - some pictures of South Island so far...........
]]> http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/jimbarnard/jb_trip_06/1170316560/tpod.html http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/jimbarnard/jb_trip_06/1170316560/tpod.html#comments Travel Blogs http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/jimbarnard/jb_trip_06/1170316560/tpod.html Thu, 01 Feb 2007 02:49:52 -0500 Africa and Australasia - Flashpacking.

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Franz Josef, New Zealand

WEEK ONE - GLENORCHY
Having battered myself blue in Queenstown i headed up to the top of lake Wakatipu to rest and recuperate. Glenorchy is a tiny village sandwiched between the mountains at the lake head but this was too Hollywood for me so i headed round the lake to a place called Kinloch which has one house, the one i stayed in. Great place with a hot tub that you could lie in as you looked out over the lake. Would have spent longer in it but for the flying fangs (sand flies) which were draining me of blood faster than the tax man. In order to rest up i decided to hike part of the Dart River trail past a place called Paradise (featured in the Lord of the Rings though i have no idea which film). The hike was preceded by a hair raising 20km drive along unsealed roads and across proper rivers (unbridged). I grounded the car twice in rivers and was lucky to get the thing out again. The hike took 4 hours and weaved through the Dart Valley passed thunderous waterfalls which punctured the tree infested flanks of the place and closer to some spectacular views of the big mountains in the near distance. I was looked on with great disdain by the hikers coming off the 3 day route as i paced it up in a t shirt, shorts and not much else while they lumbered on with huge rucksacks and full waterproof gear.

WEEK TWO - FIORDLAND
One day was enough rest and recuperation and, on the verge of coming down off my adrenalin high i headed down to Fiordland. Based myself at Te Anau, another ludicrously pretty lake with mountainous backdrop and headed out on day trips to the Fiords from there. Day one in the area was a Sea Kayak trip down Doubtfull Sound (incorrectly named as it is a Fiord). There were only 4 other people in my group and we were the only people on the Fiord so it was a magical experience. Doubtfull is a big glacial valley and so is an impressive U shape with lots of hanging valleys falling into it in a surprised fashion. It again is littered with waterfalls, many of which we played under in the kayaks. The place had an eery silence and the water was glassy flat in most places. I had given up the steering seat to the young German girl with the fierce face in the hope it might make her smile and it was all i could do not to give constant instruction when we inexplicably weaved our way in zig zags down the fiord. She also seemed not to realise the need to paddle the kayak in order to make progress and so i spent most of my time frantically paddling to keep us up with the group. I had pondered a few choice words and pictured bending her over the kayak and giving her a good whack with the paddle but valor got the better of me and i settled for 'accidentally' splashing her repeatedly with my backstroke. I dare say she tired of this after a couple of hours though it did nothing for her desire to paddle harder.

Day two in the area was spent under Millford Sound (another incorrectly named Fiord) diving. This was an even more fantastic day than the previous one. Millford sound gets 8m of rainfall a year and has such a wide catchment area that the fiord has anywhere between 3m and 8m of fresh water sitting on top of the salt water at any one time. This creates a marine environment unique in the world. The tannins in the fresh water (from the trees it washes down through) act as a filter for the sun and create light conditions similar to being 100 - 300m under water. This coupled with the relatively benign conditions (fiord mouth shelters it from the worst ravages of the Tasman sea) creates a deep water marine environment. I therefore dived with sea and coral that you would not see anywhere in the world on a recreational dive. Coupled with that was the slightly unnerving experience of descending and ascending through the mixing layer of fresh and salt water which made everything very gloopy and oily and reduced visibility to about 30cm - damn this is freaky as you suddenly feel you are lost and alone. The other distinctive characteristic of diving in Millford Sound is the temperature. It was so cold 20m down i swear i lost my bollocks and it took another 2 hours before they resurfaced. Instant ice cream headaches all round. Oh, nearly forgot, the third interesting feature of diving in the Fiord is the underwater topography. The U shaped valley continued for another 200 - 300m below water level and so you dive on a rock face that drops away suddenly below you - very difficult to gauge depth in this environment and more than a little intimidating looking down and not being able to see the end of the plunging rock face you are traversing. On the way back in on the boat we stopped off at one of the bigger waterfalls (3 times as high as Niagara apparently - he may have said Viagra - not sure as i could not hear much through the 14mm rubber sock i was wearing around my head). We all piled out of the boat with our fins and mask on and swam under it -w hich was incredible though slightly uncomfortable as the sensation is like getting pounded by sack loads of needles. The really cool bit is when you lie back and stick you fins up above the water - the force of the crashing water creates a wind that hits your fins and blows you back out into the fiord. One final note on Millford Diving - it is so cold the wet suits have what can only be described as genital warmers on em - straps that you pull from behind you over your crotch and attach at the front. This is the work of Satan (or a particularly mean woman, i leave you to decide which, if indeed they are different). It is like someone giving you a giant wedgy and then holding it there for an hour. I was almost in tears on resurfacing.

I returned to Millford Sound the next day to take a more leisurely boat trip around the fiord -all very lovely and i will upload the pictures some time so you can testify to this.

That was enough of mucking around in Fiords and i headed out the next day to drive the Southern Scenic Route through to Dunedin (along the Catlins). After the stunning majesty and sheer size of Fiordland anything would have been a disappointment. However, the rolling countryside was very pretty - much like Dorset or Scotland, only wetter !. There were two driving highlights on the trip down. The first was being pulled over by the cops for speeding - terribly polite and not at all patronising. It was almost a pleasure paying the fine and after he had taken my money we got into a long conversation about where i was going and he gave me detailed directions and even some hostel recommendations. The second highlight was driving the unsealed roads that lead off the scenic route down to the various coastal features. Mild boredom had set in at this point and i chose to alleviate it by trying out my rally car driving skills. Several hand brake turns and sideways skids later i was looking pretty good. Promptly mis timed a corner going too fast and stuffed the car across a ditch and into a bank. After i finished pulling bits of the bank out of the car it was almost impossible to tell i had stuffed it into the verge. I do love hire cars. I stayed the first night in a great little place called Riverton which felt like West Bay in Dorset, though colder and wetter. It was as if time had passed it by and it was stuck in the 50's. Night two was spent in Dunedin which has clearly seen better days but is nevertheless very Scottish with it's impressive stone buildings and mostly miserable climate.

WEEK TWO STILL - BACK IN BIG COUNTRY
Two days of no activity was starting to send me crazy so i quickly paced it up to Wanaka, an hour north of Queenstown and also based around an impossibly pretty lake. It is a wonderful little community, relatively unspoiled by the cynical tourist trade. I came here for the Canyoning and it was awesome. Canyoning for the uninitiated basically consists of walking up a bastard steep mountain and then throwing yourself down a steep river valley via a series of jumps, abseils and white water slides. We frequently jumped 10m down into impossibly small rock pools and abseiled through numerous waterfalls. The most painful part of it all was catching my genitals on a rock on the way down one of the white water slides (descending face first) and abseiling facing out down some of the waterfalls (which inevitably led to catching my right testicle in the climbing harness and then hanging from it for 20-30m). Other than that it was incredible fun and a big rush. The group we had was hilarious, the highlight of which had to be the outrageously camp and non PC gay American Lobbyist, who seemed to have even more trouble than i did keeping from bashing his buts off the rocks. Spent a very enjoyable evening in his and others company that night reliving tales of the day and giving each other terrible and very drunken advice about everything from hair transplants to career and life choices.

Battered and bruised i headed on the next day for Franz Josef and some Glacier walking ............................
]]> http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/jimbarnard/jb_trip_06/1169613840/tpod.html http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/jimbarnard/jb_trip_06/1169613840/tpod.html#comments Travel Blogs http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/jimbarnard/jb_trip_06/1169613840/tpod.html Thu, 01 Feb 2007 01:56:06 -0500 Africa and Australasia - Flashpacking.

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Sydney, Australia

BRISBANE - 4 WEEKS IN
The most telling example of irony so far came courtesy of Brisbane. Went for a late walk round town on arrival and saw a flat chested miserable young lady on the door of Hooters, "the friendliest club in town" !
My first impressions of Brisbane are that it is a town in the process of being knocked down - a good thing most Australians will tell you. Everywhere u turned the various (though not numerous) tourist attractions are amidst ambitious building sites. Desperate for a bit of Kulture i visited the museum of contemporary art on the South Bank where they have dedicated a whole wall to a mural by some famous Indonesian artist depicting the city's transition. I have to admit it was lost on me - looked like a kids painting of a flying robot's head. Other than that exhibit, the museum was fab - as impressive architecturally as it was for its art. Nothing much happened while i was in Brisbane (hence writing about museum). I mooched around town, lazed by the artificial lagoon on the South Bank of the river (full of the buzz of hordes of kids dive bombing unsuspecting parents and total strangers), and ate out on the street while watching the world go by. Spent a very painful half hour over dinner watching a tone deaf American busker with a voice like an amplified cross between an opera singer and someone who has just been swiftly kicked in the nuts. He really only held the guitar for effect and instead directed his concentration toward producing a startlingly disturbing vocal assault on unrecognizable songs which was notable for being out of tune, out of time and delivered in short bursts every time someone passed by. Despite all this Brisbane was a joy to be in and my favourite Aussie city so far.
SYDNEY - THE LAST DAY
Flew back into Sydney in order to catch my flight to New Zealand and gave myself another day to wander around and try to feel some kind of emotional engagement with the place - didn't work. Spent an enjoyable couple of hours at an Aboriginal art exhibition with my Aunt, proceeded to eat and drink too much and then staggered round Cockle Bay to Darling Harbour in an attempt to sober up. Nothing of distinction on the way, more was the pity. That evening though we went to see Stomp's new performance at the Opera House. They are the guys who burst onto the music scene with trash cans and brooms. This latest performance had everything from trumpets made of funnels, to saws, glasses, oil drums, metal pipes, traffic cones, bicycle horns and glass jars. It was a full on assault of the senses and a fantastic high energy performance. Their best stuff was still the percussive pieces, which had you bouncing in your chairs. If i am honest i am glad to be moving on to New Zealand. Australia has left me a bit cold - amazing though it is i felt it lacked soul and missed both a bit of authentic character and some sense of identity / history / culture.
QUEENSTOWN, SOUTH ISLAND, NEW ZEALAND
Hot damn - this is the business. I loved New Zealand from the moment i touched down. I couldn't stop smiling for two hours. Queenstown is on the edge of a lake that is smack bang in the middle of some very big, very rugged mountains and feels like a more radical Scotland. It is also activity central and i was determined to do every dangerous, adrenalin packed activity they had in the three days i had allowed myself here. So here goes:
Day One: 'Awesome Foursome' consisting of Bungee Jump (134m), Jet Boat (80km/hr), Helicopter and White Water Rafting (Grade 4+). The bungee was every bit as terrifying as the others which was a relief. I wore the T shirt i got when jumping in South Africa (highest in world) to wind the Kiwi's up and it worked. Got all the trash talk as i prepared to jump which did wanders for the adrenalin rush. The Bungee jump station itself suspended on a metal rope over the canyon and you get to it by open air cable car. Once on the platform the glass bottom does wanders for your nerves. You get to peer down through your feet and watch other jumpers plummet. I was expecting the Jet Boat to be a disappointment but it was anything but. The boats can run in just 3 inches of water, which gave the drivers ample opportunity to get right into the banks and submerged obstacles. We must have missed the rocky canyon faces by a maximum of 5 inches while hurtling down the rapids at 80km/hr. They don't run it in the rain because it hits your face so hard at those speeds it is like falling on a bed of needles face first. Needless to say it rained half way through the trip. The other notable discomfort came courtesy of the flat metal bottom to the hull. Every time we hit a rapid it sent a massive percussive wave through my testicles, the pain from which was further amplified when i got airborne on one section and sat on them on the way down. It is a good job it was raining so you couldn't see the tears. I would liken the experience to sitting on a large kettle drum naked while someone in hobnail boots kicked the underside of it. The helicopter pilot was called 'suicide sex' which boded well. I have been on one of these before when the pilot used the air cushion from the rotors to bounce off the canyon wall and this was just as intense. We dived and banked and heaved our way through the river canyon to the White Water Rafting point Vietnam style. The G force was intense and we would have looked very cool indeed touching down in front of all the other rafters if i hadn't stepped off it and vomited all over the bank of the river. So, on to White Water Rafting - very technical river with a string of big grade 4 rapids in quick succession. Very exciting rafting, the highlights of which included; head-butting rock wall on one bend, woman in back breaking nose after head-butting her own paddle (don't ask me how she managed that), lady from the back row of the raft somersaulting into the front of the raft as we hit a standing wave and kicking the guy next to me in the face and having the back half of the raft sucked completely under us in one hole, along with our rafting guide. All in all a bloody great adventure.
Day Two: Mountain Luge and River Sledging. The great irony is that most people who end up getting injured in Queenstown do so going down the 800m concrete alpine track in a go kart. I can see why as i mis-timed corners and flew over dips in the track as i attempted to catch some kamikaze pre teen nutter in front. I reasoned that my weight advantage would assist me in wiping said opponent out but i hadn't figured on his total disregard for life or limb. After a couple of hours of this i wound my way back down the mountain to go river sledging. River sledging is just like white water rafting except on a boogie board. What this means is a face full of foaming white water every time you hit a rapid. I got mashed, sucked under, thrown backwards and generally pummeled for a good couple of hours. Struggled to breathe at several points and was so tired from kicking against the river for two hours through rapids that i had to be dragged out of the last rapid, gasping for breathe. This did lots for my sense of humility as the 12 year old girl next to me sailed on by merrily and the 50 yr old obese guy laughed his way down. We finished the day with some toboggan thing down a metal slide into the river, a tow behind the Jet Ski and a rope swing into the canyon.. I had recovered sufficiently to get cocky on the rope swing and started offering helpful advice to others going before me. It was therefore no great surprise that i distinguished myself by completing an impressive looping back flop and winding myself. My humbling experience was complete when, while attempting to kneel on the board going down the toboggan run i hit the water off balance, traveled a maximum of 5 metres across the water and promptly did a face plant.
By this point i hurt all over from the exertion of the first two days i was close to tears on getting up for the third day.
Day Three: Canyon Swing and Extreme Downhill Mountain Biking. The Canyon Swing (highest in the world) was a fantastic rush. I went backwards on my first jump which was singularly terrifying and for my second got them to suspend me upside down over the canyon before dropping me (strangely much more sedate than the first jump). I was convinced it was not possible to bike down the Mountain trail we hit in the afternoon. Damn it was practically vertical and at several points required biking down near vertical rock faces into rivers (okay, streams but they looked like rivers when traveling at speed). I could barely stand on the pedals by this point, my legs hurt so much. We did the trail twice and i picked up considerably more courage and speed on the second run. Mis-timed my exit from one rocky section while traveling at speed and flew into a thorn bush, followed by my bike. Undeterred i pushed on and then wiped out in said river section. Massive fun - would recommend it to anyone who was no regard for the continued functioning of their legs or the state of their genitals.
Following all this exertion i spent three hours horizontal in the hostel lounge racked with pain but with a big arse grin on my face. I am still suffering from the exertion two days later.
Soppy bit - i was so overawed by the landscape and the soul of this place while driving up to the head of the lake and into the mountains around Paradise (a real place), i spontaneously burst into tears with a mixture of joy, love for all those i hold dear and loneliness. Genuinely cannot remember the last time i cried. It is a hugely moving place and has come at the perfect time for me.
]]> http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/jimbarnard/jb_trip_06/1169017680/tpod.html http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/jimbarnard/jb_trip_06/1169017680/tpod.html#comments Travel Blogs http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/jimbarnard/jb_trip_06/1169017680/tpod.html Wed, 17 Jan 2007 04:36:16 -0500 Africa and Australasia - Flashpacking.

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Whitsundays to Fraser Island, Australia

WHITSUNDAY ISLANDS - SAILING, SNORKELING AND DRINKING GAMES
I did not think it possible for Oz to get more humid than Cairns but i was very clearly wrong. I arrived in Airlie Beach (hop on / off point for sailing in the Whitsundays) to a pleasant 32 degrees and not so pleasant 80% humidity. I melted, with much bad temper, and looked like i had just stepped out of a shower most of the time. Airlie Beach itself is a fairly mundane place, a strip development geared almost exclusively to tourists and sailing. That said it has a nice fake lagoon where you can sit and cool down while being dive bombed by kids and watching obese families float / bloat past.

I had hooked up for 2 days and 2 nights sailing round the Whitsunday Islands aboard Apollo - a 22m racing Maxi (sailing boat to those of us who did not know) which had previously won every race on the East Coast at some point including the Sydney to Hobart twice. I am sure that means a huge amount to sailing buffs but being amongst the great unwashed masses i failed to see the significance - especially as, with light winds, the thing wasn't destined to go anywhere near that fast with me on it. Though i suspect that the quality of the crew may also have slowed it down ! We had a fabulous time on board. The skipper was a professional racing yachtsman and really knew his stuff and also the surrounding environment. Spent a wonderful two days gently sailing round the islands, which rise suddenly out of the crystal clear deep blue water covered in forest and fringed with bright white sandy lips. Snorkeled on both days on the coral fringes round several of the islands. While it did not match the diving in Cairns it was still spectacular - huge coral formations punctuated with lazy parrot fish having a nibble and the occasional painfully shy turtle. I thought i spotted a seal and got very excited, broadcasting it to the whole boat. Needless to say seals don't hang around here as the water is too warm - did my street cred the world of good when first mate pointed it out to the excited huddle leaning over the boat for a look.

The first night on board was a relatively quiet affair as we all jostled for position and tried to suss each other out. The second night was anything but quiet. The drinking games included some bizarre effort involving pirates - cannot remember much of the evening in truth and crowned a very entertaining evening by falling down the hatch - tres cool. I was to be found later that night asleep on the floor of the boat. A couple of the guys kindly lifted me back into the bunk. I knew it would not be a wise idea to start the drinking games with a Scot and a freshly graduated hard drinking rugby lad and so it proved. The bunks incidentally are tiny - this must be what it is like to sleep on a plastic toothpick. We all had to peel ourselves off the things in the morning, dripping with sweat - reckon i would have been better off on the floor !

On our second days sailing we visited Whitehaven beach, which was simply stunning (pictures to follow). We set anchor and headed over to the island we must have seen 20 turtles intermittently surfacing for air during the short trip to the island. Whitehaven has the whitest and purest sand (97% Silica) in the world and was used, untreated, to make the lens for the Hubble Telescope. It was a beautiful setting, the white beach, shady lagoon (where rays and sand sharks were mating) and blue blue water studded with forest ridden islands. Went for a swim in our not so fetching 'stinger suits' which look like a cross between a leotard and an old mans pyjamas. Still, it is the only time i will get to wear a leotard without being arrested so i made the most of it. Surprisingly flattering these all in one Lycra affairs - might get myself one when i get home. Had various fish nibble the air bubbles on our legs as we waded through the water.

After a couple of days combination of sweat, salt water and alcohol abuse it was a genuine surprise to find that i had quite an attractive group when i later met up with them in Airlie Beach for a post excursion session. More drinking games and some food later and i was to be found at midnight dribbling and deeply incoherent wandering along the high street with that ' collapsing knee' gait that is reserved for the truly pissed.


FRASER ISLAND - SAND, SAND, MORE SAND, BOOZE AND PASSING OUT IN THE DUNES
It was with a great deal of effort that i managed to haul my ass out of bed the next day to fly down to Hervey Bay for a 3 day 2 night self guided 4x4 safari on Fraser Island (largest sand island in the world and reputed to have more sand on it than is in the Sahara - still, that was an Aussie who told me that so take its validity with a bucket of salt). I arrived late into Hervey Bay and as i walked in saw a swarm of giant fruit bats gunning it down the high street in search of food. There must have been hundreds of them and they made a beautiful, if somewhat horror movie esque, sight. I quickly met up with my group - all under 20 and mostly female and felt oddly crestfallen. Should have been feeling good about being in tents with a bunch of young women but all i could think of was the inevitable drinking games - not sure i can hack falling over drunk again.

We set off early the next day and i got to do the first driving stint on the island which was enormous fun. Driving a 4x4 in very thick sand up and down dunes and deeply gouged sand tracks is a bit like a cross between playing about on a skid pan and aqua planing. It is incredible to see what one of these beasts can do - i swear we ascended damn near vertical sand banks with relative ease. I hit the trail a bit hard and had the whole group airborne at one point which was accompanied with a loud crash as all the cooking gear fell down from the internal shelf in the roof. Fortunately people took it in good spirit. We headed for lake Wabby on the first day, having set up our tents on the dunes overlooking the sea. It was one of several freshwater lakes on the island and came as a welcome relief from the suffocating heat and invasive sand. The lake is bordered on one side by a huge sand dune which we proceeded to run down as we dived in to the lake. To my great surprise the lake is very shallow for the first 5 metres and so my jump ended with me toppling knee deep in water with a great splat onto my face. It is a genuine wonder to me that people talk to me at all after my seemingly endless stream of retarded gaffs ! Dinner that evening was depressingly familiar - stodgy food and drinking games. I gainfully resisted the temptation to pickle myself for most of the night and by the time i had developed the taste for it i was so knackered i fell asleep anyway and so was spared the pain. We had dingo's wander the camp late at night scavenging for food. To me they look just like dogs but the group were suitably impressed by the wild poodle sniffling around and broke out into a chorus of screams that both scared the thing off and woke me up, when i promptly poured beer all over myself in the initial panic. Still, could be worse - two of hte boys went to the toilet (hole dug in ground) and got so excited on seeing a Dingo that one of htem staggered backwards into the toilet, post evacuation ! I woke the next morning with great smugness at 6.00am feeling great. Quick jog down the endless beach (67km of it end to end) and i was back to wind up the troops.

Day two saw us head for Indian Head at the top of the island which was like walking into a David Attenborough film in fast forward. As i perched on the cliff head i got to see a whole marine soap show erupt in front of me. First i saw giant Rays languorously flap by, which was followed by an enormous turtle, equally on slow go, surface for air before lazily swimming off. The pick of the action though were the Tiger Sharks. Two 3m sharks were watching over a bunch of smaller young as the chased shoals of fish about looking to break the group up and pick one off to chomp. At one point one of the young sharks broke the water thrashing about with glee as it caught a fish. This was followed by a fish eagle swooping to pick off a fish that must have been half it's size and swoop back to it's nest on a rocky outcrop just below us. An incredible couple of hours. We finished the day back at Lake Wabby for a swim to cool us down before the evening festivities. We swam with a horde of turtles that night that had come out of the water to roam around for a bit. It was a wonderful scene.

We dispensed with the drinking games that night and decided instead just to neck the vodka and whiskey we had brought in a round robin race. We had managed to pick up a huge / fat, loud, foul mouthed and deeply ignorant Canadian at some point earlier in the evening. After he savagely took the piss out of the group for drinking 'like a bunch of girls', which most of us self evidently were (i helpfully pointed this out to him) i decided to take him up on his challenge and we each proceeded to chin what remained of the whiskey and vodka. I don't remember any of the evening after this but i am reliably informed the following things then unfolded; I constantly took the piss out of the Canadian in an attempt to get him to bugger off and leave us alone ('come sit down here with your man boobs and spare tire big man, i would just love to listen to you crap on again' was apparently my least subtle line). I then spent half an hour doing the salsa with one of one of the Spanish girls which must have looked fabulous as i was by this stage too drunk to stand and we were knee deep in sand. In defense i apparently uttered the immortal line 'i am a lover not a dancer' (Jesus, if only that were true !). I then challenged a young Scots guy who had joined us to shotgun cans of beer for half an hour as i clearly hadn't had enough to drink by this point (conjures up larson esque images of some intellectually challenged nerd head butting a big red self destruct button). I was later to be found passed out on the camp ground and had to be helped into bed by three girls at about 1.00am.

I woke up the next morning oblivious to all this fully clothed and with a raging hangover. I can now testify that sand, 38 degree heat and bumpy roads are the closest thing to hell one can get with a hangover. I had to stop the car twice on the 11km trip to Lake Makenzie to vomit by the side of the road. To make matters worse i seemed to pick up some flees during one of these visits to the undergrowth and now had the combined agony of nausea, sunburn and intense itching to deal with. I fell into Lake Makenzie like a flaccid corpse and floated for two hours before being reluctantly pulled out to catch the ferry. It was a strange couple of hours as people i didn't;t know kept coming up to me to greet me by name and ask how i was doing today. Apparently i was quite the socialite during my self combustion the previous evening. I embarrassingly had to admit to each of my new found friends that i could not remember last night and was terribly ill so would they mind terribly if i did not talk and just went back to floating which was already taking up a herculean amount of effort. Lake Makenzie was a deep blue where lake wabby was an intense and dark green. It too was fringed with perfect sandy beaches and peppered with bikini clad tourists.
After all that it was back to Hervey Bay to fly out to Brisbane for a bit of a wander.........
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