TravelStream™ news feed for member baileyandkerry on TravelPod's free travel blogs service http://www.travelpod.com/syndication/rss/baileyandkerry en-us Copyright ©2009 TravelPod.com Sun, 20 Jul 2008 06:06:15 -0400 http://www.travelpod.com http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/baileyandkerry/theworldbyland/1216544280/tpod.html http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/baileyandkerry/theworldbyland/1216544280/tpod.html#comments Travel Blogs http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/baileyandkerry/theworldbyland/1216544280/tpod.html Sun, 20 Jul 2008 06:06:15 -0400 England to Australia without flying - the random adventures of 2 fat dogs

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Melbourne, Victoria, Australia

This was going to be a very short entry with a tag-line like 'Leeds to Melbourne in 1year, Melbourne to Leeds in 1day.' However, for some reason, we regretted it almost instantly, we had pieced together the budget airlines and our 4pronged route home went via the Gold Coast, Kuala Lumpur, Macao and Hong Kong. After some nightmare journeys in the past 12months, we felt hardened as travelers, and were confident of the 3days travel passing relatively quickly.

The first 3legs went smoothly. Overnight stays in a free gold coast campsite and a noisy guest house in Kuala Lumpur, which we vacated at 2.30am to catch a flight to Macao, were painless. Most of the time in the air we had spent laughing at the bright red outfits Air Asia staff were failing to squeeze into: the occasional breast popping out and hitting passengers in the ear. With a day to kill before a boat to Hong Kong and final flight we spent the day exploring Macao, a country with the most diverse architecture we had ever seen. Gigantic, shiny mega casinos, like the MGM grand, stand amongst hundreds of dilapidated concrete tower blocks, home to locals considerably less affluent than the gambling tourists. 15th century cathedrals and Church's, remnants from its time as a Portuguese colony, stand next to a newly built Roman amphitheater, and a block of the English Tudor houses. Walk past the modern Chinese temples and a clone of the Potala Palace in Tibet built upon a fake volcano, then you reach a labyrinth of narrow streets housing shops which sell all imaginable kinds of Chinese crap. Greek Gods, Egyptian Faro's, Roman Soldiers, Chinese hawkers all compete for your money. It looked like it had been designed by Jade Goody and Jordan after a heavy night taking magic mushrooms. We were enjoying this trip home.

At 11pm we arrived at Hong Kong airport but our flight wasn't displayed on the departures board so we went for help. Strange things have happened in the past year but nothing could prepare us for 'Oasis, the airline you are flying with went bankrupt 3months ago.' You bastards. Thanks for the email to let us know. Bankrupt! The airline started to lose money so one day they just took what was left and ran. Still, you wouldn't expect anything less from a society that spawned capitalism - a way of life fundamentally grounded in climbing over everyone else to reach the top. I bet the owners are sitting in their luxury mansions asking their servants to order another Ferrari while we're stuck in Hong Kong airport. Scum. I might be being stupid but wouldn't informing the passengers be one of the first things to do if you had decided to cancel all your flights.

We booked new flights with British Airways (reasons why England's great #5 - an airline that doesn't go bankrupt and provides free food and drink on its flights) for the following night. So, after 24hours bumming around Hong Kong airport, a 13hour flight and a national express coach I made it to my parents house in Preston 105hours after leaving Melbourne. Perhaps it was Karma's way of bringing us back down to Earth.

And finally, Reasons why England's great #6 - Its where my bed is.
]]> http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/baileyandkerry/theworldbyland/1216449660/tpod.html http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/baileyandkerry/theworldbyland/1216449660/tpod.html#comments Travel Blogs http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/baileyandkerry/theworldbyland/1216449660/tpod.html Sat, 19 Jul 2008 04:15:18 -0400 England to Australia without flying - the random adventures of 2 fat dogs

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Melbourne, Victoria, Australia

After spending 35 of the past 36 nights in the tent it was a relief to reach Sydney and stay with a pair of legends, Wayne and Nat, who we had met in Cambodia, in their flat overlooking famous Bondi Beach. Bondi looked identical to Scarborough: cliffs, wide beach with a promenade, grand buildings on the main road, the resemblance was uncanny. Penguin took this as an insult and was huffing and puffing about Bondi was, but we saw it as a compliment - Scarborough's brilliant. Bondi is a very popular surf beach and Wayne told us about surf gangs who are very protective over their particular patch of waves. Can you imagine some bleached blond surfer shouting 'f*** off thats my wave?' Neither can I, so they have different tactics. When their riding a wave they surf straight into people who are trying to paddle out to their patch. Every few minutes a full speed mid-water collision put a smile on our face.

We only had 2days in Sydney so we set about ticking all the must see things off our list: picture next to opera house, boat through the harbor, pint in the cities oldest pub. I had imagined the opera house to be a gleaming breathtaking structure but up-close it looks battered and drab, especially inside. It definitely looks better on the TV. A huge art installation had been installed in a nearby warehouse which blew us away. Hundreds of speakers had been arranged to create a huge surround sound system which told an audio story about a women who was looking for her. Bizarre.

Despite Kerry locking the keys in Shelia, we drove the 880km to Sydney in a day. We stayed at the greatest bed and breakfast in the whole of Australia - my Great Aunt and Uncle's Rona and Brian. They looked after us unbelievably well and I have never been offered so much food for breakfast. Whereas my impressions of Sydney were a city almost trying too hard to show off, Melbourne seemed more reserved and content. It had such variety and the narrow lanes of the centerer oozed originality. If it wasn't for the terrible weather it would have been our favourite place in Australia.

Rona took us to Napean point - the most Southerly point we could reach on our journey. In front of us was the Southern ocean (next stop Antartica) and a pod of 8dolphins hunting a school of fish just metres from the shore. Our journey was over, but we had two final things to tick off the list. We went to the 100,000 capacity MCG to watch an Aussies rules football match. While the stadium was amazing and the game was good, the atmosphere was pretty pathetic - I think I was shouting louder than all the Aussies put together, where was their passion? 'Hawthorn (clap, clap, clap) Hawthorn (clap, clap, clap)' was the only song they had and it sounded like it was sung by an American cheer leading outfit. Finally, we visited Ramsey street. After devoting so many student hours to Neighbours I had to see this famous cul-de-sac. Admittedly it was a bit of an anti-climax, and Toadie or Harold Bishop didn't answer their door, but we could rest knowing everything we wanted to do had been done. Time to go home.
]]> http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/baileyandkerry/theworldbyland/1215494160/tpod.html http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/baileyandkerry/theworldbyland/1215494160/tpod.html#comments Travel Blogs http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/baileyandkerry/theworldbyland/1215494160/tpod.html Sat, 19 Jul 2008 01:17:39 -0400 England to Australia without flying - the random adventures of 2 fat dogs

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Sydney, New South Wales, Australia

Finally...in no chronological order for some reason
]]> http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/baileyandkerry/theworldbyland/1215469980/tpod.html http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/baileyandkerry/theworldbyland/1215469980/tpod.html#comments Travel Blogs http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/baileyandkerry/theworldbyland/1215469980/tpod.html Mon, 07 Jul 2008 20:30:13 -0400 England to Australia without flying - the random adventures of 2 fat dogs

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Byron Bay, New South Wales, Australia

After the last entry I studied our map of Australia and started panicking. We were attempting the full Monty down the East coast but after a month with the car we had barely even taken our shoes off. Some serious driving was required and Shelia duly obliged by leaking oil everywhere. Maybe I should stop slapping her arse. When we finally started making progress it was like watching an England friendly: everything was so predictable and repetitive. From Arlie Beach to Brisbane we drove past over 1000km of sugarcane fields and dead Kangaroos lying by the road. Every hour or so we would come to the same indistinguishable tin pot pseudo ghost town: a deserted main street containing a unwelcoming pub, a couple of boarded up shops, and a string of 70year old wooden houses with verandas overlooking the road. They looked like sets from a Clint Eastwood film. Did anyone live there? We weren't hanging around to find out. To make matters worse every Australian truck driver fancied a bit of Shelia and cruised along the deserted road 1meter away from her rear end.

After some hardcore driving we reached the town of 1770, my favourite place in Australia. It was a small quiet seaside village but we were befriended by a huge group of Australians on holiday and spent long days on the beach getting stuck into Australian sport, and longer nights making monumental fires and watching the Aussies vomit after too much Bundaberg rum. I had a surf board for a couple of days but found it far too frustrating. Wherever I was in the sea a wave would come a smash me backwards. Get up, get back on, paddle out 10m and then BANG! your back where you started. The Australians made it look simple and were clearly enjoying watching me get wiped out by a wave every 15seconds. Hoping to compound our misery they produced a rugby ball but had they conveniently forgotten the last 2 World cups? The 5 a-side beach rugby game was ridiculously one-sided. We destroyed them. Buoyed in confidence we hit a driving range and took aim at the wild kangaroos hopping around at 200yards. Bringing on the Happy Gilmore's, I repeatedly missed the ball, the pigeon threw his wood 70yards into a forest and the penguin bent his driver.

Back on the road we continued towards Brisbane, stopping only to laugh at the Wicked campers going the other way. Some hire car company has been making a fortune by buying the crappiest smallest oldest campervans about, spray painting them with some dodgy artwork, then charging double the going rate for a camper - backpackers are always the most susceptible to cheap gimmicks like this. On the boot they paint a huge distinguishable slogan that ranges from the predictably shit: 'a beer always listens and never argues' or 'what can do the work of 5men? 1 woman,' to the embarrassingly awful: 'good girls get fat, bad girls get eaten' or 'whats harder than a pitbul with aids? the man who gave it too him,' and finally the plain abusive: 'lawyers come from anal intercourse' and 'save a whale, harpoon a Jap.' I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

After a stopover in Tin Can bay where we hand fed wild dolphins we reached Brisbane, a city we were told would be dull and boring. It reminded me of Leeds: rapidly developing and full of little jems tailor made for all day drinking. It was the deciding game of the state of origin rugby league so we had our own little Australia day and ended up in a huge courtyard wearing our maroon Queensland jerseys and chanting with a thousand other Aussies. To continue my previous analogy, the English equivalent of this match would be Northerners vs Southerners at football. With the deciding game delicately poised at 2-2 (Rooney pouncing on a David James howler to level the scores after a Neville own goal put us behind), Phil Jaglielka surges from the back and crosses for supersub Alan Shearer to win it with 5 minutes to go. The pub erupted as Queensland won the game but we took our football analogy too far and spent the rest of the night chanting "Northerners, Northerners, Northerners..."

Give an Englishman a few beers and they will start chanting. As the rain came down in Byron Bay we ended up in a England vs Australia Connect4 international challenge. All the songs from the football terraces at Deepdale and Oakwell came flooding back and soon the Aussies were on the receiving end of a barrage of abuse - "Me, me mum, me dad and me gran......," "if I had the ass of a sparrow......" "shall we sing a song for you......" "your shit and you know you are.......", "your mums your dad, your dads your mum, your........" Eventually they told us to shut up and argued 'we don't have songs we just beat you' to which we replied "where's your banter gone, where's your banter gone."

I nicknamed Byron Bay 'Wopperville' for the type of backpackers it attracted and the $81 parking fine we received for 'not parking at a 135degree angle (rear to curb). Is that not the daftest thing you have ever heard? I want to meet this traffic warden and his pocket protractor. We stayed long enough though to venture to the most Easterly point of mainland Australia and watch 10m+ humpback whales splashing about in the ocean less than 100m from the shore. From this distance you got an understanding of the sheer size of these mammals whose annual migration makes our own journey look like a stroll in the park.

Back in the 1960's, hippies took over the small farming village of Nimbin and ever since it has become a must see on the backpacker route. We were expecting a chilled out town full of characters but it was probably the scariest place I have ever been too. Groups of pale faced skinny weirdos hung around the streets offering you drugs and then laughing when we said no. We took refuge in the Nimbin museum but this turned out to be like a scene from a Tim Burton film. I don't think any of us had felt so intimidated.

Reasons why England's great #4 - English (Northern) banter

An American wearing a huge sombrero asked us if we knew somewhere nearby to eat. He had been to a Mexican restaurant but it was too expensive so I said to him "is that why you stole their hat?" He launched into a 5minute defensive explaining how much the hat had cost and where it was from etc. Does no-one else understand sarcasm?
]]> http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/baileyandkerry/theworldbyland/1214178300/tpod.html http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/baileyandkerry/theworldbyland/1214178300/tpod.html#comments Travel Blogs http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/baileyandkerry/theworldbyland/1214178300/tpod.html Sun, 22 Jun 2008 20:54:16 -0400 England to Australia without flying - the random adventures of 2 fat dogs

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Hydeaway Bay, Australia

With big Shelia at the back, 2 fat dogs in the middle, and the penguin up front our 5-a-side east coast team was nearly complete. To look the part we raided the charity shop for illumines vests and daft head-pieces. I still can't manage to get any photos on line so to help you visualize what we look like imagine the rejects from a Chucklebrothers audition. When we picked the final member of a team, James the Pigeon, from the airport, we were that worried about hanging around and being arrested for looking suspicious we completely missed his arrival.

With the Pigeon on board it what a huge relief to leave Cairns for a second time. Every time we went to a bar I felt like we had gatecrashed a school disco mixed by DJ Otzi. Worse was to follow, as this school disco has been on tour in every subsequent bar we have been to on Mission Beach, Magnetic Island and Arlie Beach. To give you an idea of what its like to drink in one of these places I will insert various lines you hear over the crackling speakers from the incompetent DJ and MC throughout the blog. I am getting old or do I have taste? You decide.

Fully attired we sat on the floor of a miniature Toys R Us plane and rose to 5,000feet. "Blow my whistle bitch." "This is the height we open the parachute" my tandem instructor explained. Shit. We rose through the clouds until we leveled off at 14,000feet. To prevent myself from "pretty green eyes" soiling my pants I recited my favourite Alan Partridge lines whenever I was told to do anything. The red light lit up and I was told to "Put your goggles on." "Back of the net" was my reply. Amber indicated shuffle forward to the exit door. "Cashback." Green light. "What do you think about the pedestrianization of Norwich ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, shitttttttttttt, aaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh City Centre Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh." As you can imagine, jumping out of a plane and free falling at 120mph is pretty insane. The G force caused every flap of my skin to wobble in the wind and I think I screamed that much my instructor gave me a cheeky slap. I was so pumped on adrenaline when we landed at 9am all I wanted to know was where the after party was.

One great thing about Australia is how sociable all the people are. I can't decide if its in built or its something to do with "everyone get on your knees and pretend to be a cock, we're going to have a cockfight" the hours and hours of sunshine they get. Its uplifting. One thing that has started to annoy me is the bombardment of messages trying to dictate where you spend your tourist dollar. You constantly hear and read about the most magnificent spectacular incredible unbelievable sumptuous amazing places to go, so your always disappointed when you arrive and "the vengabus is coming" the truth doesn't mirror the tourist propaganda. The main tourist places just don't live up to the hype. Others, like Hydeaway bay, continue the dream image of Australia for us. Deserted beach, BBQ, beer and a big fire at your campsite every night.

Why England is great # 3 - English food

After sampling various cuisines over the past 11 months there is no doubt that English food is not the best in the world. Japanese and Korean is far healthier, South East Asian has a far greater variety of flavour, Australian beef is incomparable. "Girls get on stage we're having the hourly wet t-shirt competition." However, if you think about single meals nothing comes to close to some of England's finest. Cornish Pasty, Sunday Dinner with Yorkshire pudding cooked by your Mum, bubble and squeak. Can you name a greater hangover food than a full English breakfast? Toad in the hole followed by bread and butter pudding. Proper chips from the chippy that are all soggy and covered in vinegar. Have you ever had one of those meals and not been full? Meat Pie, sausage roll, come on England I can't wait to get home and sample your delights once more!
]]> http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/baileyandkerry/theworldbyland/1212969420/tpod.html http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/baileyandkerry/theworldbyland/1212969420/tpod.html#comments Travel Blogs http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/baileyandkerry/theworldbyland/1212969420/tpod.html Mon, 09 Jun 2008 22:07:50 -0400 England to Australia without flying - the random adventures of 2 fat dogs

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Millaa Millaa, Australia

England to Australia. We nearly fell at the final hurdle. Checking into at the airport we were asked if we already had visas for the land of kangaroos -
- "no, we don't need a visa."
- "So, you don't have a visa for Australia," he skillfully rephrased his question.
- "Our queens on their banknotes!" I exclaimed before Kerry put on her best Hayecinth Bucket (from Keeping up Appearances) voice and added "we're English don't you know."
- "everyone needs a visa for Australia"
- "shit."

After a manic half an hour on the Internet spending $40 on what is supposed to be a free visa we made it onto the plane with 10minutes to spare. Landing in Australia was a culture shock. Gone were the mesmerizing smells and infectious energy of Asia. In its place was a strange and welcome feeling of anonymity and a look of shock as we tried to absorb the price of everything. I felt like I'd been slapped around the face with a piece of gammon. $3 for a bottle of water, $13 for a half hour train journey, $22 for a bed in a hostel dorm. Other strange occurrences included watching a woman taking a dog for a walk, then seeing a dog wearing a nappy. Is this normal? What is normality? To make sense of it all we needed a native. We found Shelia. Shelia is a curvaceous 18year old with a lovely rear end and an insatiable appetite for fuel. I curse her fat arse when I reverse her into telegraph poles but other than that she's been a perfect traveling companion.

Our first Aussie experience was watching the State of Origin rugby league match in a huge beer garden. The English equivalent of this event would be Northerners vs Southerners at football so you can imagine the atmosphere and intensity of 1000 Aussies cheering on the state of their birthplace. Less impressive was how the Aussies drink their beer. Proper lightweights. Rather than a pint you get a schooner - 2 gulps and its gone. I felt daft, standing around drinking beer in a glass that closely resembles a shot glass. Its like when your Mum will only give you a small glass of Coca Cola because she's worried about it being detrimental to your health, but you know better. Ignoring the pub, for my birthday we bought 2 crates of the cheapest beer. After 6 hours most of the beer was gone but I still felt sober. I'd been conned again. They were mid strength beers, half the alcohol content. I thought Aussies were supposed to be big drinkers?

Cairns was a little disappointing and I'm amazed at its popularity with backpackers. Blocks of suburban monotony interspersed with the sort of cheesy pub most people grow bored of before they turn 18. Shelia took us on the road and pretty much everywhere else in the surrounding North Queensland area has been amazing. Endless miles of inviting deserted beachs standing next to thick tropical rainforest tastefully made accessible for tourism. Ellis Beach and Port Douglas appear to have been copied from a dreamers image of a tropical beach holiday, and the Atherton Tablelands provided some of the most spectacularly lush and diverse scenery - rolling green hills, picturesque waterfalls and an abundance of wildlife. It reminded me of the Pennines except, rather than sheep, they have wallabies.

At first glance Wallabies look like a miniture version of their marsupial friends the Kangaroo. On closer inspection quite a few of them did resemble Splinter the rat of Teenage Mutant Ninga Turtles. We camped in Granite gorge surrounded by literally hundreds of wallabies who were completely unafraid of us. We spent the best part of 2hours feeding the animals and even fed a Joey whose head was peering out from its mothers pouch. This was the Australia we had wanted to see.

To get a better taste of rural Australia I did some Wwoofing on a cattle farm with our friend Ben the Penguin from England. Wwoofing is a fantastic concept - backpackers work for a few hours a day in return for accommodation and food. The family we stayed with was as rural as they come. For most of their lives they had lived on a 900,000 acre cattle station and often went months without seeing any other people (I'm not exactly sure how big that is but I think its about the size of Yorkshire). To say they were stuck in their ways would be understatement. At first I thought they were incredibly narrow minded, but their isolation had created some of the views they held. They were incredibly persistently racist but would then argue "we're not racist, we hate every c*** equally." People pissed them off and after 5days of staying their we still hadn't managed to get a conversation out of the lady of the house. We once asked if they ever wanted a feeling of anonymity, living in such a small place where everyone knows everyones business. "Go stand in the middle of that field, no f***ing c*** knows you there."

Each month they slaughtered a cow to live off. Breakfast, lunch and dinner consisted of bread or potato's and one or two of the following - steak, roast beef, steak, corned beef, minced beef, steak. I asked one of them if he ever ate fruit, he told me to f*** off. Fancy some peas? F*** off you pommy c***. I'm making this sound like a negative experience which it wasn't. The food was amazing (although my stomach doesn't agree), and it was as much of a cultural experience as when we lived in a Cambodian village - the diversity of this world continuing to amaze and fascinate me. When we left they gave us a crate of home-brew and as much fruit as we could fit in Shelia.

Reasons why England's great #2 - The English Pub

I may be being presumptuous but Australia has a lot of pubs that mimic the English pub. I can't stand fancy bars -pretentious bollocks that go out of fashion as quickly as their clientele's clothes. Being in Australia has enabled us to go to some proper drinking establishments after 8months of Asia's bars which all appeared to be designed by a drunken Lawrence Llewelyn Bowen. The English pub looks inviting whether its empty or full, has functional seating, sells draught beer not just bottles and alcho-pops, doesn't play shit music at such a volume you have to shout to order a drink, and looks as traditionally English as anything I can think off. Amazing. If this was our only gift to the world I would be happy. As it is we have people like Noel Edmunds, Jeremy Beadle, and Ray Mears who frequent these places wearing their incredible jumpers, so I'm even happier.

Pictures to come soon.
]]> http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/baileyandkerry/theworldbyland/1210924620/tpod.html http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/baileyandkerry/theworldbyland/1210924620/tpod.html#comments Travel Blogs http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/baileyandkerry/theworldbyland/1210924620/tpod.html Fri, 16 May 2008 05:21:16 -0400 England to Australia without flying - the random adventures of 2 fat dogs

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Kota Kinabalu, Sabah, Malaysia

Our decision to come to Borneo was based on 4 photos we saw in a book on Malaysia. We had come to see Pulau Sipadan, a pinnacle of land Jacques Cousteau described as the second most beautiful in the world. It lived up to expectation. Sipadan is a tiny speck of land in the ocean, small enough to walk around in 10 minutes. Walk out from the beach for 6m and nothing appears spectacular. Take another step and you meet a 600m vertical drop covered with untouched coral reef. Diving around this pinnacle was one of the highlights of the trip. The open ocean creates a strong 15mph+ current that propels you from one amazement to another - hundreds of sharks, eels, turtles, trigger fish, 3000 strong schools of giant barracuda, 1.5m long bump head parrottfish. I felt like an extra in the BBC's blue planet imagining David Attenborough - "this is a strange creature, a menace to the other marine life, lacking elegance in the water using the inefficient doggy-style approach and after years of research we are still unsure of the use of those hideously hairy legs." Cheeky git.

From Sipadan we headed to another of Borneo's wonders - the orangutans. Found in only Borneo and the Indonesian island of Sumatra, it was a privilege to actually shake hands with one in the rainforest. They are truly amazing creatures - well I should think that seen as their genetic make up is 96.4% identical with humans. Admiring the incredible suppleness of their hip joints, and their feet, which look and function like human hands, I started thinking that maybe we were better off before we evolved. Imagine opening and drinking a beer with one foot, changing the channel with the other, holding a burger in one hand, and answering the phone with the other. Human kind could double its productivity! And these female orangutans look quite fetching don't you think?
Maintaining the animal theme we also visited the most evolved creature in history - the 200 million year old crocodile. Unfortunately they looked as scary as My Little Pony. Were they playing dead or had they been smoking opium? You could stand in the crocs mouth and they wouldn't even bat an eyelid. I jumped over the fence to do my best Steve Irwin impression but a Malaysian guy beat me to it.

While the scenery and wildlife have been spectacular, Borneon cities have been real dumps. Dirty, dull and with very little of interest. Also, the people have a guardedness towards foreigners, more so than anywhere else we have traveled. It has been unexpected, particularly considering that the people living here are a random mix of Malays, Indians, Chinese, Philipinos and Indonesians. I hadn't imagined such defensiveness from this eclectic blend of people. While it has been different from other places in Asia I have been admiring some of the steps they have taken to stave off the Westernization that forces itself on pretty much the whole world. Just like everywhere else they are obsessed with Levis and Manchester United, and repetitively listen to that incredibly irritating song that goes "umbrella ella ella eh eh eh umbrella ella ella" (can crimes against humanity be brought against this singer?). However, they have their own versions of fast-food restaurants and a government policy to keep out the likes of McDonald's. They have also done a good job of demolishing nearly all the remnants of a colonial rule that only ended 51 years ago. The general ideology seems to be 'this is Borneo - if you don't like it you can piss off.' I'm enjoying it far more than Thailand's 'this is Thailand, give us some money and we will make it just how you like it.'

You may be wondering how we made it to the eastern tip of Borneo without flying. Well, I'm sorry to say but after 20 countries and over 22,000 miles our overland adventure came to an end when we boarded a flight in Kuala Lumpur. Despite being part of the same country, the only way to reach Borneo is by plane. I actually really enjoy flying for one main reason. When you land and the captain says "please remain in your seats until the plane has come to a complete standstill," everyone simultaneously jumps from their seats and starts swinging around the bags of duty free alcohol that were stored in the overhead compartments. The air stewards look all flustered and everyone stands around for ages wondering why its taking so long to open the exit doors. Then everyone charges off, using their elbows as they jostle for the lead. One day I'm going to put a sign on the luggage carousel - "Congratulations, you've beaten your luggage to the carousel...again. Enjoy your wait."

Although we were initially disappointed we have to admit that the actual process of traveling had become too monotonous and boring. Whereas once we were loving how the scenery was gradually changing throughout the trip, after 10months we couldn't be arsed any more. Furthermore, our proposed route into Australia by land had hit a serious hitch. We were planning to reach East Timor where there is a large Australian Navy presence, hoping to hitch a lift to Darwin with them. However, an opposition party tried to assasinate the president of East Timor, leaving him in a coma and the country on the brink of civil war. The British foreign office advises against all travel to the country, the same warning it gives for Iraq. I'll wrestle a croc but not a man with an AK47.

For the people who have been reading this wondering how you can get to Australia by land, these are the alternatives.
1) A freighter ship that travels between Singapore and Freemantle, near Perth. This is a sure thing, but it takes 7 days, costs $1000, and spending a week on a freighter rather than flying didn't exactly fill us with inspiration.
2) Hitch a lift with an Australian yacht owner from Bali, West Timor, or another Indonesian island. Our first choice before we left we soon discovered that this was going to be extremely unlikely. No one we have met in 10 months has ever heard of anyone doing this. Everyone we met from Darwin laughed at us, saying that if we wanted to travel on someone else's yacht we better make sure we have a suitcase of money to pay them for the 24hour+ journey.
3) Make it to Papua New Guinea where you are that close you can see Australia. The only hurdle being boats from Indonesia only go to the North of the island and it would take about a month to cross the worlds second biggest island North to South because there are no roads through the mountains. This would be an incredible journey but not one for our time limits or depleting adventurousness.

Hopefully that helps a few people.

For 23 years while I lived in England I was remarkably unpatriotic (apart from the football team). I didn't hold England in any great esteem. However, since coming away and seeing so much of the world I've realised how amazing my country is. So, at the risk of alienating most of my readers, here is

Reasons why England is great (to me) # 1) English Tea and the willingness to change

I know your thinking, isn't English tea actually Indian tea. It is, and this is my point. What other country could so easily accept and integrate a foreign concept and make it fundamental to their own culture. Curry is now our national dish and we're happy about it. We love curry so why not? You don't get people marching around with banners saying 'save the sprouts' or 'be English - have yourself a Shepherds pie.' We found the greatest ever hot beverage and made it our own. Have some of that.
]]> http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/baileyandkerry/theworldbyland/1209705120/tpod.html http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/baileyandkerry/theworldbyland/1209705120/tpod.html#comments Travel Blogs http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/baileyandkerry/theworldbyland/1209705120/tpod.html Fri, 02 May 2008 01:38:00 -0400 England to Australia without flying - the random adventures of 2 fat dogs

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Kuala Lumpur, Wilayah Persekutuan, Malaysia

You know the feeling when its been sunny all week so you organise a big BBQ and then the weather pulls a nutmeg on you. Laughs behind your back. Pisses on your chips. After 2 weeks absorbing 38degree heat the last thing I had anticipated was crossing the ocean to the Perhentian Islands in the middle of a tropical storm. We would have been drier swimming. The 40minute ride on the speedboat was exhilarating but everything we owned was drenched and for a week we smelt like the damp basement room of a student house. A travel brochure would make the Perhentian Islands look like a dream destination: some mindless dribble like "virgin-white sand and crystal clear waters make this a beach lovers paradise" accompanying a photograph of palm trees and empty beach. When it rains though, this sort of place is incredibly boring. Apart from a bit of diving there was nothing for us to do apart from chase away spiders the size of rabbits.

Although I had read a lot about its religious diversity, Malaysia, especially Kota Bharu, is a predominantly Islamic country. This has been a welcome change because Buddhism and monks were really getting on my nerves. Monks kept approaching us in the street, giving us a pendent and saying, "you special, this lucky Buddha for you," then demanding money, "you pay you pay, many people pay, you pay for Buddha." I should be careful with what I write because the last time it happened I went to run away and my flip flop had mysteriously broke. Cheeky sod -thats George Bush tactics - scaring people into conforming to their ideas. I much prefer how Muslims keep their religion to themselves here. Rather than making religious buildings tourist attractions, the Mosques are strictly a place of worship where tourists aren't allowed to go.

The Indian/Pakistani/Malay food here is like nothing I've ever had before. Each morning we eat Tosai, a Roti style pancake served with cold curry sauce and mint chutney; and every evening rice and hot beef masala served on a banana leaf and eaten with fingers. This suits people like me with limited table manners - the only etiquette appears to be try and get at least half of the food in your mouth. As well as the food, highlight of the past 10 days was camping deep inside the rainforest at Taman Negara national park. Although we didn't see many animals, the sounds that echoed through the trees were absolutely stunning.

As we approached the national park we drove through mile and mile of palm tree plantations that had replaced rainforest. It really annoys me when people bang on about saving the rainforest and how terrible it is that bio-diversity has been killed by countries that produce palm oil. Who are we to tell a developing country how to use their natural resources? Their producing palm oil which we consume from pretty much every packaged good we buy and then we blame them for ruining the world. We bomb half the world, spend billions on producing arms, but apparently, their screwing up the delicate balance of planet Earth by chopping down the forest. Imagine a Malaysian/Cambodian company approaching Gordon Brown - "could you convert the lake district into rice fields because there's a shortage over here. And make sure those badgers and red squirrels don't become extinct, we hate how you lot are ruining the natural habitat of the Earth. One more thing, we will be drilling for oil, hope you don't mind." Unthinkable.

Kuala Lumpur is a funny city. Its developing at a rapid speed and juxtaposition of old and new is strangely bizarre. The gleaming Petronas twin towers, until 5 years ago the tallest building in the world, overlook narrow streets of dilapidated housing. You can buy mashed potato from vending machines yet every public toilet has instructions on how to use the toilet seat. Huge skyscrapers stand next to colonial Tudor buildings and a cricket pitch in the middle of the city center. I like how its gone about modernisation by throwing the Americanised model out of the window and doing things its own way. Out of all the big Asian cities we have been to, Kuala Lumpur is definitely the most livable - it seems to relaxed and quiet to be a city of 7million people.

No people to avoid while traveling this week. it was going to be save the tree people but I can't slag them off just because their narrow-minded.
]]> http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/baileyandkerry/theworldbyland/1208836320/tpod.html http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/baileyandkerry/theworldbyland/1208836320/tpod.html#comments Travel Blogs http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/baileyandkerry/theworldbyland/1208836320/tpod.html Mon, 21 Apr 2008 01:26:06 -0400 England to Australia without flying - the random adventures of 2 fat dogs

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Bangkok, Thailand

Am I in a different Bangkok to everyone else? Its clean, the foods been awful, and I haven't seen a prostitute anywhere (not that I was looking but the cities name is pretty suggestive). And where are these impressive lady-boys that people rave about? All I've seen is some badly dressed hermaphrodites who've been hit around the head with a frying pan. They look like Kryton from Red Dwarf in drag and display less femininity than a pint of boddingtons. One inescapable element of Bangkok is evident though: the ubiquitously annoying (or should that be annoyingly ubiquitous?) tuctucs who run a series of scams systematic of the city. The cost of any journey is dependent on how many state run tailors and jewelery shops you are prepared to stop at. If we endured 15 minutes of pushy sails people, the driver got a petrol coupon. My hideously wide hobbit feet came in handy: the easiest way out was to ask for the narrowest pointiest shoes and then look upset when they didn't fit.

Tuctuc drivers spend their days hassling people to go to these shops, pingpong shows (more about this later), and temples - "i take you best temple, very big Buddha, special lucky temple, many Buddha for you." Are they working on commission for this as well? It figures that more tourists equals more money for the monks. This may explain why we have seen monks buying $600+ digital SLR cameras in every camera shop we have been to. After China, we had seen enough Buddhist propaganda and vowed never to visit a temple again. We watched 40 people, who had payed $80 to go see the 'worlds biggest Buddha,' come back disappointed because it was only the 'worlds biggest sitting Buddha.' As my friend once said about Bangkok, 'sitting Buddha, kneeling Buddha, lying Buddha, big Buddha, I prayed to never again see a Buddha.' Same same.

There was probably loads of cultural stuff to do here but there was only two Bangkok institutions we wanted to visit. The predictably vicious Thai boxing and the unpredictably depressing Ping Pong show. Anyone easily offended should look away now. Out of curiosity (and because its one of those must do things in Bangkok) we payed $10 for a beer and watched a group of Thai women use their genitalia to do everything other than have babies: blow out candles, smoke a cigarette, fire ping pongs, smash an egg, insert razor blades - all performed with the enthusiasm of Kevin and Perry at a school parents evening. They looked smacked up and did everything in such a matter of fact manner, yet some of them must have done some hardcore training. We watched a woman blow out darts which popped balloons on the ceiling 10 meters away. Maybe there is a special Olympics for talent like that. No-one would ever find it arousing and all the guests were similarly curious Westerners who didn't know whether to laugh or cry at the 'menu' on display. In the final trick we saw, a woman inserted a pen and used it to write "thankyou for come to super pussy bar." Enough to graphically describe what happens. A dilemma clouded my mind on the journey home - were Westerners like us helping provide an income to impoverished women, or was our presence maintaining the suffering of opium addicted Thia's being forced to work. I suspect the later.

I didn't intend to write so negatively about Bangkok - we have had a great time here - unfortunately its the negative elements that jump out of me when I think back to this city. I have one piece of advice for travelers for whom Bangkok is the first place they visit - don't bring anything. Seriously, don't pack a bag, don't even take a bag. Everything you could ever possibly need can be bought from the market for a fraction of the price back home - clothes, a backpack, books (thats all you really need), mosquito net, lonely planet guides etc etc.

People to avoid while traveling # 7 - The "I'm trying to find myself" people (ITFMs)

Its a well stated cliche: you go traveling and you can 'find yourself.' Why? Normally when I lose something I look in the last place I had it. I say this to ITFMs but they're so unbelievably self absorbed they fail to recognise the sarcasm and usually obliviously continue talking with the classic line "I just feel so lost." Have you asked for directions? Of course your lost, your 10,000 miles from home. Most of the ITFMs seem to come from America with a particularly strong crowd from New Yaarrrk. Its impossible to change the subject of conversation - whatever you say is irrelevant, their just biding their time, waiting for you to shut up so they can carry on babbling about themselves. If you have ever been complimented as being a 'good listener' be careful. ITFMs will sniff you out and cling onto you like a leech.
]]> http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/baileyandkerry/theworldbyland/1208231640/tpod.html http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/baileyandkerry/theworldbyland/1208231640/tpod.html#comments Travel Blogs http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/baileyandkerry/theworldbyland/1208231640/tpod.html Tue, 15 Apr 2008 04:24:52 -0400 England to Australia without flying - the random adventures of 2 fat dogs

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Koh Rong Sam Loem, Cambodia

I will fore warn all of you - this is a long entry and if you want to return to work/facebook/porn/or anything else you may be doing on the computer, there's a dad joke at the end of the blog to send you on your way.
I've been racking my brain all week for comparisons and similes I could use to describe Cambodia in this entry, but none have been forthcoming. My conclusion is that Cambodia is too unique and so ridiculously stupid its incomparable. For example, our friend bought a TV which broke after a week. He takes it back to the shop and is told "you buy bad TV, you need good TV." After paying for an upgrade he is asked "you want Sony or Masonic?" - "Well, Sony would be grand." The woman in the shop opens a drawer, pulls out a Sony sticker and attaches it to the broken 'bad TV!'

Not a day goes by without something unexplainably strange happening. A few days ago a snake fell out of a tree and landed on Kerry as she walked down the main road. Four grown men were walking around Sihanoukville in pyjamas the next day playing bin lids as drums and being cheered on by 30 monks. A new bar opened in town and I was given a flyer which read "fine pimpery - GIRLS, beer, GIRLS, pool, GIRLS, food, GIRLS 28/7" by the owner who claims it isn't a brothel. Yesterday was Khmer (Cambodian) new year and apparently its custom to soak everyone with water for 3days. Locals took this opportunity to set up road blocks all over town and fire buckets of water on every passing motorcyclist. Every few minutes a motorbike crashed - not only were they hurt the mob set upon them just in case they weren't wet enough. You can't argue with tradition.

Staying here for 6weeks and really starting to understand the life the local people have has made me proud and privileged to have been brought up in England. The more I find out the less I want to know. None of the children I taught had books or pens so I made a sheet of words and had the Khmer translation written next to the English. Only 2 of the 30 children I teach could read their own language. Only those aged over 12 can write their own name. We were feeling all good about ourselves because we raised money for the kids to go to school, yet it was only enough for the children aged 11-16 to go to school for 1-2 hours a day. I sat in on a lesson and watched the children being taught basic arithmetic like 2+3 and 5-2.

All education must be paid for and for a decent education you need to have money. To get decent money you need to be corrupt. Cambodia is officially the third most corrupt country in the world and 90% of government workers surveyed (by some multinational aid agency who will diagnose problems but do jack shit to solve them) admitted being offered bribes in the past 3months. One example - Thai and Vietnamese fishing boats pay $1500 a month to the government to fish in Cambodian waters. The government, Governor and Sihanoukville, and the Navy all take a cut to turn a blind eye - they get rich while the local fishing communities they serve live in poverty. With such huge corruption nothing is illegal if you have money. The Russian billionaire who bought an island and built a 5* resort where he raped little boys is getting all charges against him dropped.

In spite of the countries problems, the people rival Mongolians as the happiest we have met on this trip. Perhaps the brutal suffering during Pol Pot have anesthetized them from the pains of today. Their just happy to be alive. They have made our stay here the most enjoyable part of the whole trip and their enthusiasm and joy rubs off on all the expats. Two weekly events brought most of us (I now consider myself part of this clique) together. On Wednesdays Angkor brewery give away free beer in their bar between 3 and 5. Cue 35 men trying to beat previous personal bests, banging on the tables like monkeys, and eying up the vomit window. Us Englishman are in the majority so the last half an hour degenerates into England football chants. During major football tournaments people often think that enthusiastic English chanting is misplaced optimism for on-field success - it is nothing of the sort - it just takes a certain amount of beer for us to become patriotic.

On Saturdays, Sessions bar host a beer beach volleyball tournament. This normally involves a load of over-serious Brits getting their arse kicked by Scandinavians who look appalled at the standard of competition. To sum up my team's (the democratic republic of unanimous gammon slappers) performance, these are some of the comments made after another 1st round exit: Kerry - "woo, I can't believe I hit the ball", Kate - "thank god we lost, if we won we would have to play again," Paddy - "at least we got a point." True English sporting mentality - its the taking part that counts. Highlight of the day is the $10 charity lap dance by the bar owner - check out the photos.

After the success of FatDog Cambodia we threw another party to raise $270 and keep the teacher employed for a whole year. This was more of a typical charity affair - we had a raffle and I was forced to play middle of the road music to keep people happy (think of the children not your precious techno). We raised $380 - paying for the teacher and leaving money aside to start a reef conservation project around the island. Making it fancy dress spiced things up a little and my Jamaican cocktail waitress (grass skirt and a lovely pair of coconuts) was a huge success particularly after the party had finished. Everyone headed to Naphouse, the sort of bar that is only popular because everywhere else has closed. No-one enjoys being there except the 30 or so prostitutes who hang around sitting on the laps of overweight Westerners. They didn't understand my outfit and thought I was a ladyboy who forgot to shave. I spent the night propositioning them in the same way they annoy everyone else - "you want a real woman?," "you could never afford me," - then pushing my coconuts together with the eroticism of a pole-dancing Peter Kay.

You may have noticed that last week this blog was featured on Travelpod and the number of readers has more than doubled. I'm understandably happy with this, however, I'm getting really pissed off with the travel companies who have started sending me personal messages like "I see you haven't been to Greece on Cyprus on your trip yet, if your going there check out this amazing site" or "why don't you travel through China with el bollocko tours, we ensure maximum flexibility with your travel plans blah blah blah blah." Can all travel agents just piss off. Anyway, to welcome new readers to the blog I'm going to slag off not one but two types of people who really get on my tits.

Firstly, NGO's. Non-governmental organizations that work for 'charity' in third world countries. Do not be fooled into thinking they are doing any good. 95% of them exist in Cambodia to provide a few corrupt bigwigs with a brand new landcruiser; simultaneously taking money away from where it is needed. You may have seen adverts for volunteer work abroad and thought why do I have to pay $1000s to volunteer my time. You may have been told or thought that it is to cover organisational costs, food, etc etc. Bollocks. You hand over your money and some company director gets a new car. We wanted to paint the school with the kids but were told that another NGO paid for the wood so we couldn't do it. As an alternative, we got all the children to paint pictures of their village to decorate the inside. As we're doing this a woman introduces herself as being from an Italian NGO who are 'redeveloping' the school.
- "I here your the English teacher. We're tiling the school floor and building a kindergarten" she says
- I'm thinking, there is not a single building on Koh Rong Sam Loem with a tiled floor and the kids only go to school 2 hours a day so why do they need two rooms. However, I was exasperated by her retardedness and could only reply with a "oh. Really?" Maybe the director has shares in El Woppo extortionate Tiling and co. Am I being cynical?
- "yeah and were going to pay for a teacher."
- I know you should be positive about any help but they built the school over a year ago - surely then was the time to start paying the teacher. "There was no teacher so we raised the money to pay him."
- "ooh well thats a bit of a problem isn't it."
- HOW IS THAT A PROBLEM YOU IMBECILE. YOU HAVE NEVER BEEN HERE BEFORE IN YOUR LIFE. I hold my tongue though and point out an obvious solution - "maybe you could pay for a teacher for that kindergarten your building."
- "we can work something out" she says patronisingly and wanders off to look at the school. The bit that really pissed me off though is that she never came back to talk with me. I don't want to sound big-headed but after spending nearly half of the last 6weeks on the island teaching English and doing various activities with the kids surely I have an informed understanding of what is needed to aid the children's education. If we worked together we could spend money wisely and for the benefit of the community. Not for the benefit of the NGO who can tick a box saying they built a kindergarten for disadvantaged children and claim more funding.

People to avoid while traveling number 6 - 4 and 5* resort tourists

Its understandable that people would want a standard of accommodation higher than the normal backpacker hangout. This isn't why I dislike people who stay in resorts. Its there attitude towards local people that really grates on me. After spending $70 a night to stay in some soulless 'could be anywhere in the world' resort they then haggle for every last penny with the local people on tuctucs, in shops, at the markets, anywhere. Then they slag of the Cambodians because they feel they have been ripped off. Wait a second - you walk around with a telescope looking camera around your neck and make absolutely no attempt to speak the language. Of course their going to rip you off - your nights accommodation costs 3months wages. And the worse thing is that resorts in the developing world are run by greedy multinationals so none of their money stays in Cambodia.

At the moment Sihanoukville is in transformation - it currently has 2 posh resorts but gradually the beachside bars are being ploughed down to make way for more. 11 of the 22 islands off the coast are being sold to foreign hotel chains to make private resorts. An American hotel chain has bid $300million for Koh Rong Sam Loem and I'm disappointed to be leaving before I know what the future holds for the village. Maybe the village gets demolished. Maybe they turn it into a tourist attraction so all the resort tourists can go on tours to the 'traditional' Cambodian village and get pissed off when they get charged $1 for the same drink that costs $2 in the hotel bar.

As promised - From the Monkey Republic book of crap jokes

Why was the man standing on one leg at the ATM? - he was checking his balance.
Who is the coolest guy in hospital? - the ultrasound man
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