Pubic hair on my feet! A review of Fairfield Inn & Suites Anchorage Midtown

I had the odious experience of staying at the Fairfield Inn and Suites recently with my family. We booked the "king jacuzzi suite" for our stay. A groggy, unpolite individual at the front desk greeted us upon arrival and rudely provided me with my roomkey (he was apparently angered that I had awakened him from his paid slumber). We went up to our room to find that we had been given the distinction of the "handicapped suite". If you have never stayed in a hotel room like this before, it is best described as a funnel where the drainage from the shower sleuces down into the middle of the floor. Well, our bathroom had a large drain which was filled with curly, short hairs. They provided a nice warm (mohair type) sock for my children as they exited after urinating. In addition to the soothing feel of human hair on my feet, this room provided the soothing sounds of a constantly flushing toilet. I went down to the lobby again to request a different room from my new buddy at the front desk, but he informed me that there were no other rooms available. Mastermind that he was, he cleverly solved my problem by providing the following advice: "Don't use the toilet". Wow, that was an epiphany. How stupid of me! When I informed him that my children consume liquids from time to time and may need to use a toilet intermittently during our 3 day stay at the hotel he begrudgingly called the airport shuttle driver to come fix my toilet. The poor guy from the shuttle spent about 30 minutes fiddling with the toilet @ 2 am (and perhaps basking in the warmth of his new hairy footwear) and gave up on my problem. As the toilet did not involve the use of a steering wheel - I cannot fault him. He actually made the problem worse as the toilet now continually flushed and leaked water all over the floor. In the morning, needing to take a shower, I set sail across "Lake Pubey" in a portable raft and after a "3 hour tour" made it to the shower. There was no place to put toiletries in the shower so my soap kept falling into the sewage floating around in my luxurious bathroom accomodations. After showering, I doused myself in an antibacterial salve and attempted to get my children clean. I dressed them in Haz-Mat suits and repeated the futile ritual of trying to get them clean in a glorified sewer. That morning, after complaining again, my room was switched reluctantly. I was given a $30 dollar discount off my room price for "the inconvenience". I declined the discount citing my free access to others body hair which should allow me to fashion a "technicolor dreamcoat" toupe in the future. I would recommend a full series of innoculations prior to checking in to this fine establishment.

Thanks Fairfield Inn and Suites!

Reviewed by
Fairfield Inn & Suites Anchorage Midtown
109 reviews