I'm just going to post this whole thing because it's SO funny:
Like crossing city limits into Hollywood, you never really know you’re “there” until someone tells you. The reflective traffic triangles on the backs of the buggies ruin the old-timey mood. And how many handcrafted rocking chairs and wheels of white cheese can you buy?
GROUND ZERO, NEW YORK CITY
Six years later, the smoking hole in the ground is a national disgrace, a monument to American litigiousness, lack of national will, and craven political leadership. (Hillary and Rudy should be equally ashamed.) Yet thousands a day troop down here to stand behind temporary barricades and watch a bunch of guys in hard hats milling around.
LOCAL BOUTIQUE FOODS
In perfect rows in charming gift shops, those little jars of homemade salmonberry preserves, triple-jalapeņo hot sauce, and cranberry-pistachio tapenade look like the perfect souvenir … to sit in your sister-in-law’s cupboard for two years before she finally tosses them out.
Or any derelict city center’s $65 million outlet mall, er, “downtown renovation project.”
To misquote TC Boyle, the power of nature is immense but fleeting. Unlike the drive to the famed national monument. Which is just immense. And marred by the obligatory stop at Wall Drug. At least at Georgia’s Stone Mountain you can tram to the top after the two minutes it takes to get tired of looking at the faces of Confederate heroes carved in rock.
RETRO COCKTAIL LOUNGES
Travelers can’t resist “cool” local bars, but any place that advertises more than two types of martini—gin, vodka—is trying too hard. For the genuine drinker, these palaces of red vinyl and toxic flavor combinations are the equivalent of Sex and the City marathons on TBS.
When the new Yankee Stadium finally opens, the sports media will go on a yearlong caterwauling binge bidding farewell to the House That Ruth Built. Don’t believe a word. The stadium’s mid-1970s makeover destroyed whatever traces of authenticity were left in this claustrophobic rat hole. New Yorkers deserve a place to watch baseball that’s at least as good as what they have in cities like Milwaukee and Arlington.
Or any spot dedicated to Elvis kitsch. If the man wasn’t over-marketed before, he is now. When did Presley go from American icon to white trash icon? Blame Graceland.
LAS VEGAS ARCHITECTURE
We went to the moon in 1969. Big fountains and replicas of pyramids built 4,500 years ago aren’t that impressive. Nor is a city where you can’t walk to the building next door without burning 600 calories.
Every Chinatown distills the worst of the obligatory tourist trap: worthless trinkets, no public bathrooms, impossible parking, hit-and-miss food. Most of the guys cooking aren’t even real chefs; they’re recent immigrants dragooned into manning the grill. Chinatowns have stolen more time from weekend vacations than weather at O’Hare.Agree? Disagree? Discuss..
I don't know about you, but I happen to like "local boutique foods" and my mom eats all of the jars that I buy her, I swear!